SERIOUS emotional advice needed - What would you do???

[Running Mommy]

WOW! After going back and reading those comments to that article I must say- THANK GOD I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT TREATS CYCLISTS WITH REPSECT!!

Yeah, I felt the need to SHOUT it! I'm THAT grateful! Now I'm not saying that Phoenix as a whole is cyclist friendly, far from it. But my little burb overall is very courteous. In fact sometimes they are TOO courteous! Most of our roads have a wide center turn lane here, and they go all the way into that lane to give us space, thus kicking up all the scree in the lane and chucking it back at us. Not that I'm complaining!!

[Mr. Bloom]

Mr. Silver, I would really like it if you described the reaction of the mourners to this woman. What did she say and how did they react? Do they have any plans on what to do about it?

My pleasure. It will help me sort it out. I'll use names to help me keep players safe:

Players:
Five riders: Tom, Cindy, someone else, Silver and me.

State trooper watching from 100 feet away.

Driver's Mom in the street, a man (dad?) in the SUV...not involved.

We came up after this had begun. After I clarified with her who she was, here are some comments I recall (not necessarily in order):

NOTE: I would characterize Mom's tone as tearful and compassionate. Tom was firm and very offended by her, Cindy was compassionate and tearful. Silver was firm and frustrated. I was offended and firm. NO ONE raised their voice...

Mom: Please, please leave us alone. We've been here 60 years and now I have to go 10 miles out of my way to go to church because of all the stuff you're putting here [a STR sign, two bouquets of flowers]. We can't move on because we everytime we come here we see these reminders [presumeably the sign]. 900 riders are driving by here today, but YOU have to stop? What are you doing this to us? [Note: It's convenient that once someone stopped, she was there like !@#$%^ hmmmm.... ]

Tom: We understand, but do you realize that our friend is DEAD and that we have a right to remember him?

Silver: Do you remember me from last year...I was the one sitting right here.

Mom: I'm tired of this, my son can't even drive this way. I even have someone from the Evansville Bike Club stalking me? Don't you know that we've invited Sam's wife to visit us and see how sorry we are, but she refuses to come visit us! [My cut: Sam's wife is suing them...she can't interact with them...and Mom is trying to make the suit go away...so I have reason to partially doubt her sincerity...but I believe it's at least partially genuine]

Me: We're not part of the bike club and have nothing to do with them. Do you understand what the last year has been for us because of what your son did? The counseling? The depression? Do you understand that this is their right to mourn this?

Mom: Oh yes, I know about counseling, but WE have to move on and we can't do that with all this here.

Cindy: [Crying] we all share pain here, can't we grieve together...[she then reaches out to hold Mom's hand]

Mom: No! No! Don't touch me! Get Away! I don't want anything to do with you! Just leave us alone! I'm not doing THAT! [then she walks away to the SUV]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

[Mr. Bloom]

I'm happy to be off some rather narrow roads, but everyone (vehicle drivers) were curteous. I could hear a diesel pickup rumbling behind me for about a mile before it was safe to pass. Even when we signaled that the road was clear, he didn't pass until he got to a passing lane. He didn't cross the double yellow to pass us.

You know, there was a lot of good that happened today...
- MANY cars cautiously waited far longer to pass than they had to
- MANY cars put on their flashers as they approached cyclists as a sign to others

I was really impressed by 95% of the drivers behavior ...particularly given that I consider this area as unfriendly to cyclists.

I believe that the small group that Silver has hooked up with to install the signs and raise awareness is having an effect

[Zen]

Isn't the offending driver of legal age? Why is Mom so involved? No one is suing her.
She must be getting therapeutic counseling confused with legal counseling.

[Sheesh]

I agree with previous posters that confronting this mother will not do any good, and will probably just make the situation worse - she'll probably go so far as to call you "stalkers", like she does the member of the Evansville Bike Club. I'm sure there's little you can do to get through to her, so I would recommend continuing with what you're doing to reach those who are likely to hear the message. Your work to educate motorists and remind them to "Share the Road" is very commendable!

[Trek420]

WOW! After going back and reading those comments to that article I must say- THANK GOD I LIVE IN A PLACE THAT TREATS CYCLISTS WITH REPSECT!!

Yeah, I felt the need to SHOUT it! I'm THAT grateful!

It's important for those of us in areas where cyclists are respected to remember that's not true of much of the country. And it's important for riders there to know that we stand behind you or should I say "ride" behind you Ultimately we're only as respected as you are.

And since when is "moving on" mean remove all traces of what happened? Sounds like her idea of "moving on" is pretend it never happened ASAP. That's denial, and ultimately it makes it worse.

There's an ad on radio here for boating safety, a young man tells how his best friend died in a boating accident ... he was driving the boat. Now he's speaking out about safety. Not easy for him I'm sure. Here too, two families lives are changed forever. Hopefully some good can come of it.

[SR500]

A very difficult situation. Maybe best to see if time can't provide some more healing. Maybe see if a minister or other person might get a few of you together with her and see if any common ground can be found. Bottom line, one man is dead and a family devastated

[blueskies]

Keep in mind, my view is that she was tearful and compassionate...but selfishly so. It was about her...That's what I found offensive.

What do you think?

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

[Tuckervill]

I admire all of you and your reserve. I'm afraid I would have been more forceful--not necessarily without compassion, but adamant.

I believe she's feeling a great amount of guilt over the incident, and she's probably not the type to ever admit it. But she probably cannot feel compassion for the family of the victim, because that would mean she would have to realize her son got off too lightly. She can't see the other side because it would force her to change her beliefs about what happened.

She reminds me a lot of my own mother.

Sam's dead. That trumps all her feelings or desire to "move on". That's what I would have been adamant about. I'm feeling the ire rising again.

Karen

[Mr. Bloom]

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You did a good job of expressing a very key point:
- I'm being critical of her because she's making it "all about her"
- In reality, I'm actually making it "all about us"

My suggestion that Silver write a letter was to give her an outlet to channel her anger...I'm still thinking this is a good idea...but with the stipulation that she wait a week to decide if she still feels strongly enough to actually send it.

We are not by our nature "angry people"...the problem comes when something unexpected happens and when you're done, you think of all the things you WISH you had said...we're human.

[Mr. Bloom]

Sam's dead. That trumps all her feelings or desire to "move on". That's what I would have been adamant about. I'm feeling the ire rising again.

You're right...but she won't move on. I'm convinced that she confronted the group today because she is finding identity in the being the victim.

Example: She thinks someone is stalking her from the bike club???? The Evansville Bike Club is a co-defendent - with her family in the lawsuits! Why would they stalk her...in reality, we've been frustrated by the Bike Club's ambivalence to the accident and their slowness to embrace the STR campaign.

So, all this to say: I think she's going wallow in her misery for a long time because it gives her an excuse for her family's dysfunctions (whatever they might be...). Why should be rudely fuel her fire? We'll make sure she doesn't confront Silver again...but I'm not going to fuel her need to be the victim.

[salsabike]

Mr. Silver,

I hesitate to write, because I don't think my ability to express what's in my heart is quite up to the job... but I'll try...

You are the husband of a woman who was riding for a short period of time with a man who was suddenly and unexpectedly killed in a tragic accident. She is the mother of a teen-ager who was at fault for killing the man. Really try and put yourself in her shoes. As devastating as this was for Silver, as a near-witness and companion, how devastating would it be to be the young driver who killed this man?

I, personally, know a very good man who killed a pedestrian. The victim was an elderly woman with mental problems who just stepped out into traffic. The driver wasn't at fault, couldn't have stopped, and *still*, needed counseling and medication to move on with his life. A friend's niece left college with PTSD after her experience riding in a car that struck a pedestrian, and she wasn't even the driver. It's a terrible, terrible thing to take a life through your negligence & be completely powerless to ever undo it.

Think about what this experience was like for Silver, at the time, and over the last year. Her connection to the victim, was very short and limited, and yet this was a life-changing experience for her.

Think about that boy... what has this year been like for him? Of course his mother's heart aches for him.

Is she handling it well? In those moments when she spoke to your group, it sounded like she was trying to ask for mercy... not very skillfully, not with the ability to really listen to your perspective... but to me, she sounds like a mother whose heart is breaking.

I support the group that are putting up the "Share the Road" signs. I support tougher sentencing for negligent drivers. I support improving transportation infrastructure in ways that make it safer for cyclists & drivers to share roads. I support the right of the grieving to mourn. And I still have compassion for this mother & this young man.

Blueskies

I think what Blueskies is saying is really important. It's much like what I would have wished to say, but she did it better than I could have.

[SR500]

I just read the article and some replies. My question is why sue? It appears is was an accident. Including the bike club, company the guy worked for, just makes the lawsuit look poor. I'm not sure to what end bringing suit solves.

[Mr. Bloom]

I just read the article and some replies. My question is why sue? It appears is was an accident. Including the bike club, company the guy worked for, just makes the lawsuit look poor. I'm not sure to what end bringing suit solves.

I can only suspect the motivation for suing, but there is a legal perspective for for who got sued:

The bike club: among other things, apparently neglected to put emergency services on notice (including the police) so that they could be adequately staffed for contingencies. I assure you that the police were quite visible today

The employer: Family owned business, son was driving a car owned by the business.

Personally, after seeing the site today, I DON'T believe it was an accident. To me, the track was clear...this kid was negligent and careless.

[silver]

I'm still deep into processing what happened.....

Your replies are so helpful.

I know some of the background into why she is suing. I can't discuss all the details. I'll say that I understand why she's doing it and she does have a case but I think there are legal reasons behind some of the named defendants and that some of the defendents will be dropped eventually.

the driver was ticketed for failure to yield and fined $129.

I would not call it an accident.