Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Trekhawk]

Batbike, your entire post was well-written.

Everyone has a different opinion based on their perspective. I guess I am amazed at the number of marriages that might teeter if a spouse is put in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, therefore the opinion is that one's spouse should never be put in such a situation.

It is like a step back in time, taking away all of the advances women have made over the past 100 years. Seriously, is a female detective not supposed to work with a male dectective? Is a female executive not supposed to hire a male assistant because they will be alone together, day-after-day? Is a female Navy officer not supposed to go in a submarine because she is the only female? Is a female astronaut not supposed to go up in the space shuttle because she will be isolated with only male companions?

I've only thought of a few examples of every day life where men and women work together, closely and intimately, because it is their profession and their job. For this situation, it is like Batbike said, "It is bike riding." It would be ridiculous for a spouse to declare that the married partner should give up a profession because of working with the opposite sex, and the same is true of cycling.

What is next? The female racers should give up their training coaches because they are male?

Darcy

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.

[teigyr]

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.

And Trekhawk, I agree with you.

I think affairs happen not because of close proximity but due to problems in someones life or problems in the relationship. It is a sign that something is wrong. There are also people, of course, who just do that sort of thing with thought whatsoever but I'd like to think that's the minority.

I can see both sides. I also believe that affairs aren't just physical so if you were spending more time with your riding buddy (and this translates maybe into emotional intimacy) and not sharing things with your husband, that is a problem.

I met my husband through a male friend (who liked/s me) who still proclaims his affection but realizes I am married. I never even went out with this guy though we did do things as friends. I was never even tempted and I wasn't seeing anyone at the time! My husbands female friends came to our wedding as did my male friends. I was a bartender (ages ago) and when my customers would lament and say things like "I wish my wife were as cool as you" I'd remind them that she probably is, he is just seeing me as an escape and he had better figure out what's going on.

Ok, rant over. I'm glad that the two of you came to terms and that your husband realizes how important cycling is. I think that was a problem in the beginning. So maybe this could have been averted if he had supported you a bit more maybe. And for all my male friends/riding partners/coaches/whatever's wives, there is no need to worry

[Mr. Bloom]

Even the best relationships are not immune to this issue.

In a perfect world, with perfect people, this would not be a problem.

BUT, the world is NOT perfect and people are fallible too.

To take a "get over it" perspective with a spouse is naive and disrepectful.

In a relationship - whether married or not - when one suffers, both suffer. When that suffering (or pain, or confusion, or whatever) comes from one inside the relationship, then everyone is hurt.

When one spouse has an issue with third party relationships, it's my belief that it's not out of distrust of their spouse nearly as much as it is distrust of the third party.

No one wakes up one day saying "I'm going to compromise my relationship today". The compromises occur in little baby steps until suddenly "the leap" is not too far at all. I've seen it time and time again in my friends, and it pains me everytime.

I'm glad that there is a happy ending and that you shared your story with us.

[teigyr]

Even the best relationships are not immune to this issue.

In a perfect world, with perfect people, this would not be a problem.

BUT, the world is NOT perfect and people are fallible too.

To take a "get over it" perspective with a spouse is naive and disrepectful.

In a relationship - whether married or not - when one suffers, both suffer. When that suffering (or pain, or confusion, or whatever) comes from one inside the relationship, then everyone is hurt.

When one spouse has an issue with third party relationships, it's my belief that it's not out of distrust of their spouse nearly as much as it is distrust of the third party.

No one wakes up one day saying "I'm going to compromise my relationship today". The compromises occur in little baby steps until suddenly "the leap" is not too far at all. I've seen it time and time again in my friends, and it pains me everytime.

I'm glad that there is a happy ending and that you shared your story with us.

I was thinking and thinking about this and was debating to myself for a while (I'm sure if strangers saw inside my mind they'd think I'm insane!) but I don't think we're so different here.

I can't think of anyone in a good relationship who would have a "get over it" attitude. I guess the feeling I got from the original post was that he (the husband) was being unreasonable. In my limited scope of relationships, we discuss. There are no edicts or judgments, but then again we mostly think alike. If he thinks someone is creepy, I tend to too. Also in any of my dealings with anyone, opposite sex or not, my DH is invited to go along. He is the most important person in my life but that's not to say we don't both have friends. Some are even of the opposite sex persuasion but I guess we're both ok with that.

Yes, if one person suffers, both do. I guess I've seen unreasonable jealousy though and I tend to look at life through that angle. Control solves nothing but thoughtful discussion and decision making does. I've seen unfounded jealousy destroy more than one relationship and no matter how truthful and open the person is, the mate or spouse still has doubts. There can be paranoia and control issues and I don't believe someone should closet themselves due to the insecurities of the person they are involved with.

If there is a problem with the third party, the trust (unless you think the third party is an axe murderer or something) resides with the spouse. I trust my spouse implicitly. I might be naive or silly though.

Maybe I seemed dead-set on not siding with the spouse but I'm in a relationship (now) where we talk about this stuff and we are pretty much in agreement about most things. Betrayal goes way beyond traditional "cheating" and both of us share what's going on in our lives with each other, not other people. A cycling partner would be a cycling partner and nothing else. I would trust my husband with any female friend of his (along with my female friends) and he has met all my male friends. I guess we both know we are the most important people in each others lives so there's really no threat.

I think for those people who have bad things happen by baby steps (and that is a good description), they need to think more critically about their lives. If I ever had any kind of "close" feeling to someone I'd start wondering why and I would try to fix any problems before they got worse. Then again, I tend to over-analyze, I guess.

And I am also glad that there is a happy resolution. I think there was a combination of things going on but it is good that both sides moved toward a middle ground.

There. Internal debate done

[salsabike]

And Trekhawk, I agree with you.

I think affairs happen not because of close proximity but due to problems in someones life or problems in the relationship. It is a sign that something is wrong. There are also people, of course, who just do that sort of thing with thought whatsoever but I'd like to think that's the minority.

I can see both sides. I also believe that affairs aren't just physical so if you were spending more time with your riding buddy (and this translates maybe into emotional intimacy) and not sharing things with your husband, that is a problem.

I met my husband through a male friend (who liked/s me) who still proclaims his affection but realizes I am married. I never even went out with this guy though we did do things as friends. I was never even tempted and I wasn't seeing anyone at the time! My husbands female friends came to our wedding as did my male friends. I was a bartender (ages ago) and when my customers would lament and say things like "I wish my wife were as cool as you" I'd remind them that she probably is, he is just seeing me as an escape and he had better figure out what's going on.

Ok, rant over. I'm glad that the two of you came to terms and that your husband realizes how important cycling is. I think that was a problem in the beginning. So maybe this could have been averted if he had supported you a bit more maybe. And for all my male friends/riding partners/coaches/whatever's wives, there is no need to worry

Adding one more "I agree" to Trekhawk and Teigyr.

[luv'nAustin]

Enjoyed reading this thread. Mr. Silver, I especially enjoyed reading your take on the situation. You have wonderful insight. Thanks for sharing.

[Starfish]

Enjoyed reading this thread. Mr. Silver, I especially enjoyed reading your take on the situation. You have wonderful insight. Thanks for sharing.

I also appreciated Mr.'s last post on this thread...really true, IMO.

Melalvai, thank you for the update, and so happy for you that things are working out.

[margo49]

Thanks for the update.
I'm sorry it turned out like this.
The older I get the more I think that one should be able to be "just friends" but the more I see that it doesn't happen very often at all.

[mimitabby]

Thanks for the update.
I'm sorry it turned out like this.
The older I get the more I think that one should be able to be "just friends" but the more I see that it doesn't happen very often at all.

hey Margo, when you get old enough you can do it. i mean really old