to the pair of Paris and Nicole wannabees I passed on the Sammamish River Trail yesterday:

I know you thought you were being clever and funny as you critiqued my lycra covered behind as I passed you on the trail yesterday, but you really ruined my day. Thanks. You probably think that someone that fat and that old should not appear in public in lycra. You probably think a good dose of humiliation is just the trick for putting me in my place. Well, I have news for you; I wear appropriate biking attire for the same reasons thin people do: It is comfortable. It doesn't bind or bunch at the crotch. It doesn't have seams that rub me the wrong way where my legs touch the seat. It wicks away moisture which is important since a typical ride lasts several hours, and I am not overly fond of yeast infections and other forms of crotch rot. I do not wear it because I am under the impression I am "hot", or because I recently watched the tour de france and thought it looked cool. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm taking myself too seriously. I was riding alot faster than you...otherwise, you wouldn't have had the opportunity to comment.

I do take some small comfort in the fact that you will grow up someday and become self aware beings (hopefully) and you will cringe at the memory of what jerks you were.