Need Friend Advice

[Tuckervill]

Others have said it already, but here's how I would put it.

She's going to drink heavily no matter what you do. If you tell her, she'll drink. If you let her come, she'll drink. Alcohol abusers will use any excuse--or none.

Anything other than absolute honesty is enabling her. Enforcing your boundaries is the only honorable way to behave in this situation.

I feel for you, though

Karen

[CycleChic06]

Thanks again for all your advice and concern. She seems to go through cycles, she'll hit bottom, seek help, get better, then go off on her own again and start going down hill, hit botton, etc... I'm not an expert, but I agree that its probably caused by depression. She recently turned 30, lives alone and is just generally unhappy with herself. A few months ago after a recent break-up, she locked herself in her apartment for 4 days and went on a drinking binge, didn't go to work, wouldn't even get out of bed, wouldn't answer phone calls. She's a mess, and as a friend I'm at a loss of how to help her. I listen to her when she's upset and try to be there for her, but I don't know what else to do. I've discussed it with mutual friends and none of us know how to help her. Like you all said, she has got to want to help herself.

I think you are all right, honesty is best in this situation. The truth will hurt, but I hope in the end she'll understand it's for her own good.

[Irulan]

T I've discussed it with mutual friends and none of us know how to help her. Like you all said, she has got to want to help herself.

the best way to help her is to help yourself by getting extremely educated about alcoholism, and by seeking support from others who have drinkers in their lives. You might look into al-anon, it's the sister 12 step program to AA that is specifically for friends and loved ones of alcoholics.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

She's going to drink heavily no matter what you do. If you tell her, she'll drink. If you let her come, she'll drink. Alcohol abusers will use any excuse--or none.

Anything other than absolute honesty is enabling her. Enforcing your boundaries is the only honorable way to behave in this situation.

This is all completely true.
As an alcoholic, she will drink until she stops drinking. Doesn't matter if you say anything or not, or if you listen to her woes and are supportive or not. If she were to get a raise at work, she'd drink to celebrate and get drunk. If she got fired, she'd drink to comfort herself and get drunk. You drink because you're happy, you drink because you're depressed. You drink because you're surrounded by friends and having a good time, you drink because you're alone and sad. You drink because you drink.
She needs to work through her problem and get help through other people who are working to stop drinking. Sympathetic listening by well meaning friends does not help her. AA might seem corny but it works for a lot of people. She needs to get help on her own as many times as she needs to. The only way she will ever be able to "control" her drinking is by living a life where she is not drinking at ALL. This concept often takes years for an alcoholic to come to grips with, and years of trial and error.
The best way to be her friend is to be honest with her.