Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Trekhawk]

Batbike, your entire post was well-written.

Everyone has a different opinion based on their perspective. I guess I am amazed at the number of marriages that might teeter if a spouse is put in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, therefore the opinion is that one's spouse should never be put in such a situation.

It is like a step back in time, taking away all of the advances women have made over the past 100 years. Seriously, is a female detective not supposed to work with a male dectective? Is a female executive not supposed to hire a male assistant because they will be alone together, day-after-day? Is a female Navy officer not supposed to go in a submarine because she is the only female? Is a female astronaut not supposed to go up in the space shuttle because she will be isolated with only male companions?

I've only thought of a few examples of every day life where men and women work together, closely and intimately, because it is their profession and their job. For this situation, it is like Batbike said, "It is bike riding." It would be ridiculous for a spouse to declare that the married partner should give up a profession because of working with the opposite sex, and the same is true of cycling.

What is next? The female racers should give up their training coaches because they are male?

Darcy

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.

[teigyr]

LOL - this thread is very interesting and Darcy you really made me laugh with this post. Well said Darcy!!
My husband's last job was based on a ship overseas for six months a ship with not only men but women. When some of my acquaintances found out about this they were horrifed. They asked didn't I worry about him maybe fooling around with these women when he would be away for so long. I can honestly say it never crossed my mind. I can't live my life like that. I honestly don't believe people have affairs just because they are thrown together. I believe however that great friendships dont have to be reserved for people of the same sex.

And Trekhawk, I agree with you.

I think affairs happen not because of close proximity but due to problems in someones life or problems in the relationship. It is a sign that something is wrong. There are also people, of course, who just do that sort of thing with thought whatsoever but I'd like to think that's the minority.

I can see both sides. I also believe that affairs aren't just physical so if you were spending more time with your riding buddy (and this translates maybe into emotional intimacy) and not sharing things with your husband, that is a problem.

I met my husband through a male friend (who liked/s me) who still proclaims his affection but realizes I am married. I never even went out with this guy though we did do things as friends. I was never even tempted and I wasn't seeing anyone at the time! My husbands female friends came to our wedding as did my male friends. I was a bartender (ages ago) and when my customers would lament and say things like "I wish my wife were as cool as you" I'd remind them that she probably is, he is just seeing me as an escape and he had better figure out what's going on.

Ok, rant over. I'm glad that the two of you came to terms and that your husband realizes how important cycling is. I think that was a problem in the beginning. So maybe this could have been averted if he had supported you a bit more maybe. And for all my male friends/riding partners/coaches/whatever's wives, there is no need to worry

[indysteel]

I say all of the following with the caveat that I've never been married, so I can only speculate as to how I might deal with a similar situation if I were married. However, I have been involved with men with close female friends, and have generally taken the approach that until I have some concrete reason not to trust the situation then whatever issues I have with it are a product of my own insecurities and, therefore, more or less "my" problem to fix. Asking someone to pacify those insecurites by getting rid of the friend would likely prove to be only a temporary fix as the insecurities would just manifest themselves in some other way. And if there really is some larger trust issue, getting rid of the friend would again just mask the problem. In fact, I'm of the opinion that demanding someone disavow a relationship with a member of the opposite sex for no other reason than it just makes them feel threatened, is just the type of behavior that can ultimately lead to infidelity--maybe not in the shortrun, but over time.

Building and maintaining trust, it seems to me, isn't about eliminating all forms of temptation. For one, that's just unrealistic. For another, in my opinoin, infidelity is more often than not a byproduct of what happens within a marriage, not because of what happens outside of it. In that sense, the energy spent worrying about exes, coworkers, friends at the gym and riding buddies could be better spent nurturing and growing the relationship in more positive ways or, in some cases, working on yourself.

I'm not suggesting that Mel not listen to her husband's concerns or pay them any heed, but I would encourage both of them to identify what they're really about. Are they about his insecurities as a cyclist? Fear that she is looking elsewhere to have some of her needs met? Fear about her getting hurt on the road? Insecurities about his own attractiveness or manliness? Fear that they're growing apart? Assuming they're able to identify the real issue--which will admittedly require some honesty and introspection--then finding a solution that actually addresses it may obviate the need to "lose the riding buddy." Maybe he just needs reassurance that she finds him attractive and sexy. Maybe they need to come to a better understanding about what a healthy, balanced marriage means to both of them and whether it can or should include outside interests and people. Maybe he needs to admit that some of his insecurities about their respective athleticism are his to work through with her encouragement. Maybe he just needs to get to know the riding buddy himself.

And if she does decide to "lose the riding buddy," there's nothing wrong with making that decision for the health of the marriage, as long as it's a decision made voluntarily and not because of threats, compulsion or ultimatums.

[margo49]

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

This is what I was getting at in my previous post.
Like the Zen monk said "I ride my bike to ride my bike"

[xeney]

This is sort of an interesting and timely thread for me. My husband and I have been together since 1994, so whatever jealousy issues we had back then (and I for one had plenty) have long since been worked out. His best not-me friend is a woman, and in some ways they probably spend more time together than we do, because they work together and go to lunch together every day. But she's my friend too and I have no issues with that relationship -- in fact, I fully support it and the extent of my jealousy is that they go to a lot of restaurants that I am too busy to visit, and they never bring me take-out.

Right now, though, I am unable to ride, and we are not spending any fun time together, mostly because I am not having any fun ... I'm just working, getting the house ready for a baby, and sitting around with my damn feet up wondering whose dumb idea it was to have a baby in August. I can barely walk two blocks, much less get on a bike or go hiking or do any of the stuff that we usually do for fun.

Meanwhile, he's joined a cycling club and going for long rides every weekend. The fact that there are women in the group doesn't bother me (I have joked about the fact that he is spending his weekends with hot young chicks in spandex while I am here turning into Shamu, but it is really not an issue, and in fact one of those young chicks is probably going to be our part-time nanny); I am mostly jealous of the guys. Because he rides with them all the time, and I am not riding at all, and I am petty and bitter and I want to go have fun and let him sit around with his feet up for a change.

For me, irrational sexual jealousy -- i.e., the idea that he might run off and screw some young thing if I let him out of my sight or "allow" him to interact with other women -- is my own problem, one I am glad to rarely experience these days, and one that I would not tolerate in my partner if the tables were turned. But sadness and a feeling that you are being neglected because your partner is having all of his or her fun with other people, that's a different issue, and one that does need to be addressed. So I would say that it is really important to figure out which of these things is going on.

(My husband has been very adamant that we take the grandparents up on their offers of babysitting once the baby arrives, so that we can go back to riding together even before she is old enough to tag along, and we should be able to resume other stuff like hiking as soon as I am recovered and the baby can hold her head up in the carrier. So our situation is, I hope, temporary, but I am pretty cranky about it right now.)