Hi -

Sorry to hear about the inner turmoil regarding time on the bike. Has something happened or did something happen in the past?
What other sports/activities do you engage in?
Maybe it's time to give a new physical activity a try for awhile, or a hobby, or new interest to broaden your horizons.
I've ridden alone since 1989 when I got married and moved to Southern Indiana. I used to live in Indy where I had riding partners, club rides, group rides, a velodrome close to my house, racing opportunities, etc. Now I ride all by myself. I push myself hard, so my fitness is about the same. I'm 47 and in darn good shape. I'm proud of my freaky bikie tan.
This body is the only one I'm going to have. I have to take care of it. I want to be able to stay active when I'm old and gray. This means dedication. I'm a nurse and I take care of too many patients who let themselves get fat and lazy long ago. I work in Kentucky where nearly everyone smokes. This isn't the life for me.
Don't beat yourself up.
I'm sure you find answers to your situation and you'll move forward.

Best wishes.

Barb