Hey Raindrop...
First off, hugs to you.
Please know that I have some understanding of how you feel right now. Please accept this in the most respectful and supportive way. And granted, the circumstances are somewhat different, but the pain is the same.Today is the 1st anniversary of my brother Steve's death. It has been very hard for me.
He was also a great guy...my soulmate, my best friend. We "got" each other. We loved music and old movies, and the Titanic, and British comedies.. Some nights we'd just stay up, groovin' to old classics, or watching a concert DVD...laughing and joking.
He died very suddenly as well. But- due to an insidious disease, we knew we wouldn't have him forever, and just the month before, I'd said to an acquaintance that one day I'll get a phone call...just telling me he's gone.
It was as if somebody flipped a switch...one second he was here, and then he was gone. He was on the phone when it happened, to a friend in another province, who called 911. There was a problem responding and finding the number...he was a cop and kept his number under his mom's maiden name. His friends found him the next day, the phone still in his hand.
I have never reacted to a death like that before...I got the call as I arrived at work, and stumbled through the back door. My legs didn't work. I half crawled to the office and collapsed. All I could do was say nonononononono.

The last time I'd spoken to him, was about a month before. I'd had a weird premonition. I was driving along the Upper Levels highway and suddenly started to cry. All I could see was his face. I pulled over, and called him on the cell phone. "hey bro...call me an idiot, call me stupid, but I have a very bad feeling, pleaseplease call me."
He did. "Hey lil sis, I'm not going anywhere...got lots of stuff I'm gonna do."
The last thing we said before we hung up, as was our custom, was I love you and I miss you.
I have that. And I have great memories of our time together.
Raindrop, hold on to those memories of your brother that make you happy. Those are the most important. Find the silliestthings...and hold on to them tight. They'll flit through your mind so quickly...and the bad ones will eventually flit through too..let them go...revel in the good ones.
You'll find yourself going through many different phases. The denial...the sadness, the grieving. It hurts like hell...but it's all important. Let it happen. Don't hold it in.
I went through the guilt too...I am 4000 kms away. (It was the first time in 10 years we weren't going to be together for Christmas.)
I couldn't be there for him...but I couldn't have *done* anything either. You always want to blame yourself in some way. If I...could I....
No. Don't beat yourself up. No guilt.
Try to celebrate him. You'll never forget, and as long as you remember, he'll never be forgotten.
For me, Christmas is hard. That was OUR holiday. In fact, we'd do other family/friend obligations...and sneak together around Midnight Xmas Day.
He'd always have great xmas lights displays, and the tree could be seen through the window..and when he knew I was on the way,he'd take an old brass ships lantern, and light it up and put it outside on the top step. And invariably, I'd come up the drive, with a light snow falling, and there'd be that lantern, softly glowing through the snow, warm and inviting.
We'd stay up all night and chat. Get up in the morning, make a big brekkie...and get our stockings and presents. For us, it was important to have no politics, no petty familial bickering. Just us. Just us kids. Kids again..only this time on our terms. And we'd put a log dvd on the tv, and listen to sappy Xmas music..and tear open our presents, and laugh, and watch White Christmas. And Holiday Inn.
April's hard too. We are both "Titanic" babies...born 3 days and 5 years apart.I was the last day anyone saw Titanic...he was the day it sank.
Yep- we'd get together and watch Titanic on our b'days...and usually got a small Titanic gift.

I try and do things in his memory. I'll be watching White Christmas in his honour this Xmas, toasting him with a glass of wine... I'll watch Titanic on our birthday.

I am going to a Native ancestor honouring ceremony. I'll beat the drum for him.

And I'll tell people about him. Tell people about your brother. Share him with others.

It will get better. It will. It'll take time.
If you need to talk, email me. Got big shoulders. I've been there.

{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}

Kimba