Raindrop, you will never feel the same again, but you will feel alive and whole again, and able to enjoy life. You will always remember the things about your brother that you loved, and the things that you were angry at him for will eventually not anger you. The "why" is always hard to come to grips with, no matter how your loved one died, but it is part of your grief work.
My brother was killed in a mine accident when I was in college. I didn't have grief counseling then, it hadn't been invented yet. Since I didn't do a particularly good job of working things out then, it set me up for a long period of depression as an adult. Since you are having trouble facing people when discussing your loss, you may find it helpful to find a support group for the families of suicide victims. Hearing others talk about their feelings, and stages of working through their loss may help you see that it is not an impossible task, but is a long process.
Be very kind to yourself, and let people give you a hug. You deserve it. I'm very sorry for your loss.