Not sure I should even post this.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It does help that I can confide in cyberspace because right now, my face-to-face encounters are painful and especially with the people that express their condolences...tearfull.

I really do thank you all. I just needed to share some of my pain in a space that I've always felt had nothing but support. This site is so perfect because of that.

This is a safe place full of gentle loving women, where you can say whatever is on your mind or in your heart, anytime.

I so understand that avoidance of face-to-face-encounters. It's triply hard when the death is not of natural causes. I remember long ago when my brother died, my mother just could not deal with people's questions and concerns. When we would run into an acquaintance on the street and theywould ask about my brother, for a whole year she would simply say "He's fine, thanks."- because she could not bear to explain what happened or hear their awkward shocked condolences.
I don't blame you for trying to avoid that right now. I'd do the same. Better to be with closer friends and family who understand and are grieving themselves.
Just know that through all the roller coaster of feelings and changes you will go through about this, that your love for your brother and his love for you will not change one bit. Nothing can change that.

[makbike]

Raindrop, I can't image what you and your family are going through at the moment or what you will face in the future for the pain must be unbearable. Cherish your wonderful memories of your brother and please take care of yourself. Know the members of this forum are always here for you and sometime simply having someone to talk to is all that is needed to help one through a tough time. Please talk to us and know thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[newfsmith]

Raindrop, you will never feel the same again, but you will feel alive and whole again, and able to enjoy life. You will always remember the things about your brother that you loved, and the things that you were angry at him for will eventually not anger you. The "why" is always hard to come to grips with, no matter how your loved one died, but it is part of your grief work.
My brother was killed in a mine accident when I was in college. I didn't have grief counseling then, it hadn't been invented yet. Since I didn't do a particularly good job of working things out then, it set me up for a long period of depression as an adult. Since you are having trouble facing people when discussing your loss, you may find it helpful to find a support group for the families of suicide victims. Hearing others talk about their feelings, and stages of working through their loss may help you see that it is not an impossible task, but is a long process.
Be very kind to yourself, and let people give you a hug. You deserve it. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[bambu101]

Raindrop, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I realize that it is unbearably painful right now, but time will help, and someday, you will allso be able to think back on the good times with your brother. Sending big hugs to you.

[Sparxx]

Hey Raindrop, so sorry to hear of your loss.

Lost my little brother to suicide about 15 years ago. I felt for ages that I somehow could have prevented it (so did my other brother). He seemed to have so much to live for. But it was his choice, his call.

Time WILL heal. You don't forget but you forgive them for going so abruptly.

Hang in there.

[Thistle]

Hey Raindrop, so sorry to hear of your loss.

Lost my little brother to suicide about 15 years ago. I felt for ages that I somehow could have prevented it (so did my other brother). He seemed to have so much to live for. But it was his choice, his call.

Time WILL heal. You don't forget but you forgive them for going so abruptly.

Hang in there.

Raindrop, I'm so so sorry Sparxx is absolutely right - dont ever blame yourself or think "maybe i could have done something".

I have worked on crisis lines with suicidal callers, after having been suicidal myself on and off for many years. I admire you so much for this posting. It can be such a taboo topic.

It can be hard to understand what drives people to think they have no options left but suicide. My own experience as a sufferer of depression, and later as a telephone counsellor, is that it's like wearing the kind of blinkers they put on a horse. Whereas normally you can see to the left, and to the right, and straight ahead, and all the choices that are out there, as you become more and more depressed and suicidal those blinkers close in and narrow your field of view until there is only one option left. The unthinkable. It really is all about stopping the pain. The worst part is, when people are in that place they have no understanding of the hurt and devastation their actions will bring to those that love them.

I am so thankful every day that I never had the "courage" to carry through. It breaks my heart to think of the pain I would have inflicted on those who love me. To me that is the cruellest part of suicide... the devastation it brings to others.

I hope this doesnt offend anyone. But, I honestly just wanted to let you know that I believe your brother would never have thought he was hurting you (or others). In the distorted thinking of depression he would actually have believed he was doing the world a favour. People who suicide are simply overwhelmed by pain and unable to ask for help.

I am so sorry for your loss You didnt deserve to lose him, and he didnt need to go.

[bikerchick68]

http://211.org/ReferWeb/MainForm.aspx

Raindrop.... I have not been on so hadn't seen this til today. The link above is for 211. You can also just pick up the phone and call the number 211... they give referrals for any and all type of crisis. There are many, many help groups available to you and your family. I encourage you to find a survivors of suicide group... the other attendee's will be going thru the loss of a loved one to suicide as well and will understand all the emotions you're experiencing.

Please, please remember this is NOT your fault. Once someone decides to commit suicide, it's only a matter of time until they achieve it. This was your brother's decision, and while guilt is a normal part of grieving, I again stress this was HIS decision and is NOT your fault.

I really hope you'll reach out and get some help working your way thru the grieving process. You don't have to go thru this alone. Hugs...