Hi Blue...

Yours is not an entirely unfamiliar, or for that matter uncommon, dilemna.

I think if you want to race then riding with a group, at least sometimes, is really necessary. You can be incredibly fit, but you still need good bike handling skills that can only be honed in a group. Not only that but a big issue IMO, is riding in these groups prepares you for the accelerations you'll deal with in the peloton while racing. That's very difficult to train solo, doing the spontaneous anerobic work you get from having to try to keep up with the group.

The personality thing with guys and what not, I totally understand and I don't care for it. There's nothing that says you have to ride with guys, if there is a group of strong women riding in your area. Whatever works for you though!

Best of luck