Dealing With It

[Kitsune06]

People sometimes tell me they think I'm "wise beyond my years" but that's only because I have such a good idea of what "should be"... not that I adhere to that very well. I regret not having been more socially skilled as a kid. Glasses, braces and excema, I was also cursed with intelligence and managed to be fairly well outcast in my class. I loved athletic activity, but my sheer terror at the thought of what being on a team and being the klutz I knew myself to be, I never went out for sports.
I fell in love young and threw away what was looking to be a very promising high school stint and probable college scholarship for love. It was true enough, that man was my sanity as I grew up and I was his, in a way. I hurt our relationship irreparably my last year of highschool, telling him he was 2k miles away, and I'd never been with anyone else- how could I know if he was "the one" for me? He didn't understand it, and nearly killed himself "fasting" though I asked if he *could do that* with his diabetes. He assured me he could, and went into ketoacidosis a few days later. We made up over the ICU phone, and I don't think I've ever cried so hard. He took the bus five days to get to Wisconsin for my graduation ceremony (after having dropped out of highschool and gotten his GED the previous year) and I was happy to see him, and he had to assure me that it was him, and I needn't worry- he was healthy, and strong... but something was different. The passion I had for him before was gone, and I didn't know if it was me or my depo (I'd thought I'd plan ahead) but it just wasn't there... and I was having serious second thoughts about leaving WI. In the end, I did, and had a miserable first year in Oregon, getting married and being afraid to tell my parents, so I just didn't. He was supportive, but having never had another partner, I had no idea what my expectations should be. I had an excellent job and complained about it because I had no idea what my expectations should have been... All these wonderful things just fell into my lap and I just didn't have the life experience to appreciate them.
Those are my first regrets.

My second, having not had the experience I had, I threw away my marriage because I didn't know what life would be with someone else, but knew also that if I left him, he would never take me back. I was happy about it for awhile... he was much more sexually active than I was and I always felt hounded. When he started dating someone just as sexually driven (if not moreso) than he was, it felt weird. They became big players in the Kink community, and I settled into a very quiet, vanilla relationship with my gf.
I regret having not worked harder on the marriage, but he and I could not match our drives... and after awhile, my disinterest became a sort of dread. It was doomed to happen, I only regret that he wasn't always the handsome, sweet, compassionate and intelligent young man I fell in love with. I realised that young man was dead when I saw him post a poorly written account of D/s sex in his blog, describing it in words quite far from the love letters we'd exchanged years ago.

I regret leaving Jack and Tsuki with my ex, because DGF is allergic to cats. Tsuki was my baby and my sanity through the most difficult parts of our marriage. I remember cuddling Tsuki as a kitten, crying into her fur, and deciding I couldn't inject XH's insulin because who would take care of our baby then? When Ry and I started sleeping in separate bedrooms, she stayed with me (while Jack meandered the house). She knew. When he brought his new gf over, Tsuki hated her, peed on her things and hid under my bed. When DGF came over, Tsuki wound around her ankles and curled up, close beside her, and thanks to the claratin, that wasn't much of a problem...

My final set of regrets- that I hadn't met my girlfriend and best friend earlier in my life. She has shown me how to find all the strength I'd forgotten I'd had in XH's strong embrace. He'd been so set on protecting me that I'd forgotten that I could be a strong, resiliant woman myself. DGF has shown me that I can be an athlete who doesn't have to be afraid to go places alone, or seek out friends that can be 'mine' instead of 'hers' or 'ours'. She's shown me what it's like to tell someone you love them without saying a word, and how to take the time- all the time in the world- to draw intricate dance steps with one's fingers on the hills and valleys of another's body and not lose patience in this meandering. I regret sometimes having not been stronger for her when in the process of my divorce, her breakup, and the ugly moving-on of her ex... I regret not working the hours she does to support us, but I also know it'd harm my health to do so. I regret not having the magical ability to keep her from doing so.

How have I dealt with it?
...you can't go backward- you can't unring the bell. You just have to follow the new path of your life and keep going. Some changes are bad, and yes, some are your fault. Accept it. The river's course has changed. Follow it. There's always at least one way out. I've come to accept that I am the only one who can really control my life. I'll control the way I live it, with luck and chance added in for variety, and I only hope I can control the way it ends.

Sorry for the book, ladies... I just haven't spewed like that in a long time.

[CyclChyk]

People sometimes tell me they think I'm "wise beyond my years" but that's only because I have such a good idea of what "should be"... How have I dealt with it?
...you can't go backward- you can't unring the bell. You just have to follow the new path of your life and keep going. Some changes are bad, and yes, some are your fault. Accept it. The river's course has changed. Follow it. There's always at least one way out. I've come to accept that I am the only one who can really control my life. I'll control the way I live it, with luck and chance added in for variety, and I only hope I can control the way it ends.

Wise beyond your years? I'd have to agree. You are one of the old souls.

[Dogmama]

Pooks,

When I compare myself to others, I'm always "less than" or "better than" - never equal. So, I try to accept that others have their path and I have mine.

[lph]

Um. Very good thread. I'm sort of at a loss here, because so much of what you have been writing is stuff I've been spending a lot of time and thought on the last few months. My brother died 3 months ago of a heart attack, 41 years old and leaving a wife and 9 yr old son, and a stunned family. We had no prior warning at all, one day he was somewhat overweight but healthy, the next day he was dead. My grandmother died a few weeks later, sad, disoriented and lonely. Since then I've been observing my own reactions at a distance, and writing down some of it.

I've realized how incredibly privileged I've been so far. I've learnt to appreciate people's sympathy no matter the actual words they say, and I've learnt to never, ever again be too embarrassed or shy to say something sympathetic to someone in grief. I've learnt that grieving for someone is not a linear process, where it's awful at first but gets better each day - it's more that it's awful at times, but the awful times get fewer and further apart, and slightly less awful. In the meantime everything can be fine, I can tell jokes, and laugh at things and enjoy life.

I've learnt what used to trigger a bad mood can now trigger black despair, so I've learnt to not get too hungry, not get too little sleep, and to exercise every day if possible. Hey - I can use all the endorfins I can get, and decided pretty fast to become a fullfledged endorfin junkie I've learnt that the smallest things can trigger a crying jag - hearing a song from a record that my brother had - but that I can in fact just look away and it does pass quickly. I don't have to tell everybody around me what I'm thinking or feeling, even though it may feel good at the moment.

I've learned how self-centered one gets in a crisis, and how people stop feeling sorry for you quite fast. Which is sometimes nice - to feel normal again, and sometimes very lonely. I've found out that the hardest part is not the grieving bit - grieving is easy! - but how to stop grieving, how to cope and pack it all up small enough to take with you but not overwhelm you. There went my syntax.

All of this isn't really much help in how to cope with bad stuff in the long run, but small bits of insight that come in handy in my own personal Owners Manual...

PS. "What's in my hand?" Excellent. I'm keeping that one.