Lost the Love - will it come back?

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It sounds like your biking has been affected too much in various ways by your DH. You're using his old bike, trying to ride at his speeds and on his routes, etc. Totally without his meaning to, his pervasiveness has sort of appropriated your joy in biking. To be fair, you have of course gone along with this trend, it's not all his doing.
If i were you I would get my own bike and go on enjoyable solo rides at first. Something with no pressure, something just fun for YOU. Be good to yourself!

My DH proposed fixing his old bike up for me when he got his new bike. I would have absolutely none of it! I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with a hand-me-down bike. He accepted that graciously, and then he helped me immensely in deciding what bike I should get.
While he waits now for his new bike, he fixed his old bike up for errands, with basket, upright bars, etc...and he likes riding it much better now too. It's also handy for when we have company staying with us.

[Brina]

infertility has a way of sucking the joy out of life. as women so much of our lives are spent thinking about the day that we will become mothers. it is something we assume we will be able to do, and when we can't it is a blow to our sense of self, our belief in our own capabilities, our faith in our bodies to perform.

take the time you need to take off of your bike. you will know when the time is right to get back on. if it is not fun, it is not worth doing.

[Kano]

I thought that too -- if you don't feel like it, don't. And my other thought, ride alone for a while. OR, if you really don't feel comfortable riding alone, find some women to ride with.

And I KNOW your frustration from that bad ride you described: been there, been struggling to hide the "temper tantrum" too. There's just nothing quite like knowing you're having a bad time, and having someone call attention to it! For me, keeping up with DH is hard. I dread him getting a fast bike! It's been brutal learning to just go with what's good for me, and quit worrying that I'm not keeping up. I get where we're going, and usually have more miles left in me when I finally do get there than he does!

Karen in Boise

[7rider]

infertility has a way of sucking the joy out of life. as women so much of our lives are spent thinking about the day that we will become mothers. it is something we assume we will be able to do, and when we can't it is a blow to our sense of self, our belief in our own capabilities, our faith in our bodies to perform.

take the time you need to take off of your bike. you will know when the time is right to get back on. if it is not fun, it is not worth doing.

I agree with this 100%

I think there is a whole lot more here than bicycles. Except for those layoffs hanging over your heads, I'd probably say a cruise or some vacation very far away from bikes for the both of you would be in order.

You don't get paid to ride a bike. It's not your job. It's something you do for enjoyment...usually. If it's not enjoyable, then it's okay to take a break from it.

Good luck and best wishes.

[emily_in_nc]

Yes, you can definitely take a break and come back later! I've done it many times. I've been riding off and on for close to 20 years now, since my DH sweetly bought me my first road bike for a long-ago birthday (he hid it in the guest bath shower behind the curtain, so cute!) Since then I've had countless bikes (a recumbent, an upright tandem, a 10' recumbent tandem, a hybrid, three additional road bikes, a Bike Friday, and two mountain bikes!!) I've taken breaks for as long as 3-4 years off bike, but something always draws me back in, I get seriously addicted, but at some point, I stop to focus on other things for awhile and take years off.

I took several years off while dealing with our infertility too. We went through years of trying, surgery, tests, two ICSIs, and a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was an emotionally wrenching time in both of our lives, and our focus was definitely not on bikes at that time!

Started riding seriously again several years ago, thought I'd never quit again, but a cycling accident resulting in a fractured pelvis in April 2005 sidelined me for several months. Then after slowly getting back out on the roads, I was blindsided again when my beloved father died in a car accident last October. After that, I just couldn't bring myself to ride for many months. It was a combination of grief, fear, insecurity....I just didn't have any desire.

Finally, the desire did start returning. I first started mountain biking earlier this summer, which felt safer than the road, and just within the last few weeks, I finally felt ready to ride on the road again. But on my terms. I'm not doing fast-paced, aggressive club rides or even aggressive rides with my DH, who, like yours, is much faster on climbs, causing me to work so hard that rides sometimes lose the "fun" factor. Instead, we're riding to the farmer's market and food co-op with panniers on our Bike Fridays, averaging 12-13 mph, smiling and waving at everyone, and having 10x more fun!

So, take your break; take as long as you need. Do other things and don't feel bad about riding! While I wasn't riding, we had so much fun hiking and gardening, and I discovered a love for mountain biking when I tried that that I might never have found if I'd kept on road riding. I also found a friend at work to mtb with, and we have such fun riding once a week together. She's better than me, but there's no competition. We gossip and laugh and have girl time, and it's something I do just for "me" instead of always riding only with my DH.

And when you do come back, maybe do some different types of rides. Find a girlfriend or friends to ride with, or a slower-paced social club ride. Riding doesn't all have to be about increasing your average speed and killing yourself to keep up with your husband. That can be fun and exiliarating at times too (been there, done that), but it can also be frustrating and lead to severe burnout on the bike! I've been there too, and I've had tearful rides when I got dropped and felt like such a loser. Now my rides are slower, more casual, and a heck of a lot more fun. Even my DH (former hammerhead) is having more fun going slow with me instead of pushing himself to do A-paced club rides.

You are perfectly normal -- and your bike (or a new one fit just for you!!!) will be patiently waiting when you're ready for it again.

Emily

[Tuckervill]

The whole time I was reading your post, I thought about how much your riding was about HIM, not you. You were constantly comparing yourself to him, and doing it for him and it wasn't your thing.

Sure, it's fun to do stuff together, but where's your individuality? Especially in something so individual as cycling?

What's wrong with riding apart? If we could all ride like men there would be women in the TDF. I'd say find cycling for your own reasons and if you like it, do it your way, not to please him.

I'll bet your bike will be waiting for you when you get around to wanting to ride again. or not. It's your choice. As it should be.

Karen

[DebW]

Very nice post here by PAP103 about remembering why she rides:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=7695

[Crankin]

Emily echoed my reasons for keeping cycling fun. Every year, about this time I get burned out and somewhat sick of cycling. Give yourself permission to take days off and find different types of people to ride with. My opinion is that if you keep it fun and not always about how fast or far you go, you won't get sick of it. I was an aerobics addict for many years, got certified to teach classes and then after about 8 years of that I couldn't stand it. I quit teaching the classes, quit going to classes, and got heavy instead of finding another activity. Thankfully this occured at the same tiome my husband got me into cycling. Everything is a cycle.
Most of the other women I ride with ride slower than me. This keeps me sane and "under control." Somehow, I've managed to increase my speed and distance without a training program, just by riding with my husband or by myself, when i can push myself. My husband now does not care so much about speed. He hammers when he commutes to work, but when we ride together, we are TOGETHER. There have been a few times in the last year when health issues forced him to ride slower than me! It was humbling for him and it made him realize that speed doesn't matter. The goal is to keep doing this until we keel over. I enjoy riding my mountain bike because even though I am a perpetual newbie and slow on the trail, it's different and fun. Most people still think I'm a crazy cycling addict even though I know I am "keeping myself under control!"

Robyn

[SouthernBelle]

After reading your post, I thought of several things, most of which have already been posted. But the primary thing is that your riding seems to be about your husband and not about what you enjoy. I would have resented the hand-me-down bike no end.

I say take the winter off from anything pedally. Find something else to do at the gym. Then reassess next spring. If you start looking at new bikes wishfully, then you might end up riding because you love it, and not because your DH does.