George Carlin's New Rules

[Dogmama]

New Rule: - Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmatescom! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

football team is doing these days - mowing my lawn



New Rule: - Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

you're a seagull People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar What

did you expect it to contain? Salmon?



New Rule: - Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

blonde teachers are permanently damaged I have a better description

for these kids: - lucky bastards



New Rule: - If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

you're gay If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols If

you're a grown man, they're pictures of men



New Rule: - Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: - do you have two of them? Okay, we're done



New Rule: - There's no such thing as flavored water There's a whole

aisle of this crap at the supermarket? Water, but without that watery

taste Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink You want

flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt That's your

flavored water



New Rule: - The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

******* If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one

NutraSweet," ooh, you're a flaming *******



New Rule: - I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the

kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my

Almond Joy



New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it

doesn't make you spiritual It's right above the crack of your ***

And it translates to "beef with broccoli" The last time you did

anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant

You're not spiritual, you're just high



New Rule: - I don't need a bigger mega M&M If I'm extra hungry for

M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two



New Rule: - If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,

old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a

remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens

Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first

place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie



New Rule: - No more gift registries You know, it used to be just for

weddings Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab

Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you

isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting



New Rule: - And this one is long overdue: - No more bathroom attendants

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just

had sex with George Michael I can't even tell if he's supposed to be

there, or just some freak with a fetish I don't want to be on your

webcam, dude I just want to wash my hands



New Rule: - When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

months "27 Months" "He's two," will do just fine He's not a

cheese And I didn't really care in the first place

[snapdragen]

You're not spiritual, you're just high

I love this..

[Kitsune06]

Dogmama, That was Awesome. George Carlin is my favorite comedian of all time. (I was a member of www.whatthef*ck.com for a very long time)

[Lise]

New Rule: - Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.

Love this one.

Love George Carlin in general! Thanks, Dogmama!

[Deanna]

So did Bill Maher steal the "New Rules" bit at the end of his shows from George Carlin?

[maillotpois]

Yeah, I think they are Bill Maher - or they're using the same idea.

http://www.hbo.com/billmaher/new_rules/

[Deanna]

Yeah, I think they are Bill Maher - or they're using the same idea.

As they say, "Great minds think alike".

[bikerchick68]

ahhahahhahahaha! those are great... I love the tattoo one as well!