Dear cats,
That weird noise last night was hail. It was loud on the metal roof for sure, but it wasn't a machine gun aimed at the house. I've never seen you guys freak out like that!

Dear brother's cat,
Your daddies would really appreciate it if you'd learn how to climb stairs. The stand at bottom/top and yowl for a ride isn't going to work for you for long. Just watch the other cat; he spent his first few years in a house with stairs and he knows what to do.