I have boundary issues with my mother. As in, I have to set them or she manipulates me and punishes me for having a normal loving relationship with my father (they've been divorced for 27 years!).

When we have a conflict, I have to constantly implore her to stay on topic, instead of talking about how we're talking about the topic. Over the years I've learned to boil it down to the "issue" at hand, and cut off the conversation when the boundary is crossed. She doesn't learn very fast. I have to reset the boundary over and over. I try to do it politely, but sometimes I have to hang up on her or leave her house. I try not to leave in a huff, and tell her I love her before I go.

If my mother sent me letters explaining one of "our issues" to me, along with all the meta-discussion and accusations, I would try really hard to see through it to what the issue is. I'd do this because I love my mother, even though our relationship is difficult, and I want to go to my grave with a clear conscience. I would accept a certified letter, because if there was something she really wanted to tell me and she couldn't do it in person for whatever reason, I'd want to know what it is. If it was just a general rant about the same old stuff, I wouldn't get the next one. To be fair, I'd tell her face-to-face that I wouldn't be getting the next one.

Looks like you're on letter #3 that you have chosen not to engage her with, so it would be nice of you to tell her that you're not going to get the letter, and tell her what she could do to get her message across. I don't think it's fair that you didn't acknowledge the second letter and just shredded it. Even if the response is "Mom, I have no response to that."

It's stories like this that I hope are keeping me from being a crazy mom, too. Even though I too have had serious depression, I hope my kids never feel the need to cut me off.

Karen