I am going to play the devil's advocate, too. It seems like this is a communication problem. Nobody can be expected to "know" what you want them to do, unless you explicitly tell them. We all have different communication styles and the way we learn to use them is from our family of origin.
I don't buy this "men are this way, women are that way" thing. We are all different. My husband does not automatically think of himself first, but on the other hand, I can categorically say that I don't put others first all the time, either. Women are socialized to do that... whether it's right or wrong, is up for us each to decide, but I decided a long time ago that taking care of myself was the most important thing I could do. This was after a horrible first marriage that wrecked my self esteem and sanity. You may think this is selfish, but if I didn't take care of me, than what good would I be as a partner or a parent?
Since I am coming upon my 30th anniversary, I think my strategy has worked.
I also think Limewave and Tuckerville know what they need to do; it might not be easy, but they are on the right track.