I wanted to share this with somebody because I think talking about it will help, ultimately. So here goes.

Hi. My name is kfergos, and I’m afraid of falling.

In my head I know it’s not that frightening, and my experience with falling -- it must be well over a half-dozen times in the 18 months -- has confirmed this; I’ve never sustained any serious injuries while cycling. Last Saturday I was riding fast down a hill and rode through what looked like a big patch of water. I only realized my mistake as I found myself sliding, face down, along the road for what felt like an eternity. Miraculously, a short visit to the emergency room confirmed my initial assessment: I was fine. In fact, aside from what felt like a minor concussion, I had only one bruise to remember the experience by. I walked away feeling grateful that things had worked out so well.

Now, three cycling days later, I find my fear of slipping on ice has intensified to an almost unbearable level. I can’t trust myself to ride on even what looks like water, because it might be ice. I’ve found myself riding slowly, way out in the middle of the lane where I can see the road is dry for sure. If I have to cross what’s clearly a big patch of ice stretching all the way across the road, I’ll get off and walk across it. I get off and walk across the wooden bridge I cross every morning, because last fall I slipped on it and fell (sustaining, I might add, worse injuries in that fall than I did last Saturday). I see myself turning into a total wuss, despite having bought studded tires, which are almost certainly overkill for the roads I ride on, and I hate that. I’m frustrated. I want to not feel afraid of ice, afraid of riding faster than 10 or 12 miles an hour (which, on a 26-mile roundtrip commute, translates into way too long a ride), afraid of falling. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of, since I’ve fallen and walked away from it virtually unscathed. What I do know is that my courage, so carefully strengthened over months of riding in ice storms and subfreezing weather, shattered in that last icy fall.

I’m not going to stop riding. I won’t let fear rule me. But I’m still afraid, and I hate it.