Mixed Marriages

[Adventure Girl]

The "mixed marriage" topic came up a few times in the tandem cake topper thread, so I thought I'd move it to a new thread.

Originally posted by Trek420
I've gotta question that is vauguely but directily related to this for the group...obviously you folks both ride but how many of you have a significant other who rides? is it a problem that they don't? You guessed it I met someone who doesn't ride, or workout, I'm thinking it could be a problem. Do "mixed marriages" work?

Originally posted by Irulan
I think it depends on what you have that you DO do together.

I'm a little more crazed about biking than he is, ,but he introduced me to it. We both ski, He's crazed about whitewater and I barely can handle it. We have different house hobbies, I sew he does woodworking, but we garden and do projects together. I think he's going to get crazed about SCUBA.

hmm, it looks like we do more together than not together. I guess I'm no much help.

...never mind....

Irulan

Originally posted by SheSpeeds
Mixed relationships can work!

Brian and I are both very enthusiastic about all things bike and all things whitewater kayaking. I had just started to ride on the roades when I met him. He introduced me to mountain biking and helped me through the...er rocky start. He has also helped me push my kayaking skills further than I could ever imagine, running waterfalls and class V rivers. When we travel to our adventerous destinations it is very common, especially in kayaking, to see the hubby without the wife. There are often jokes flying around about "I escaped today, but can't paddle tomorrow." Many people seem envious of us that we can play together and our time together is boundless. Brian and I can spend almost every minute of our lives togther, but that's not a trait that every person has. In some relationships, a weekend boating trip let's both people have their independance and personal time.

It has to do with communication. Cycling and almost anything else is a sport that for the people who do it, are passionate about it. The other member of the relationship has to appreciate (not just accept) that is that important to the other person. But I would suggest, that if you are spending more than 15 hours at your sport on top of leaving for work each day, that you have to discover if that kind of "distant" relationship is something that you want. If you think you will wish he was with you to share in the experience that may pose a long-term problem.

Of course...and I meant to finish it there...we do have all our sports in common, so sometimes there's little to talk about. I can't really interest him in the realm of my unique experience (such as scuba diving) because we do the same thing. "Then there was this big 16' foot waterfall, the right side crashing into jagged boulders..." he'd say, "yea, I saw it." So we are a little limited in that aspect.

PS
My parents said that the only thing they had in common when they got married was that they liked to party together. She was a music major, he was a business major...they've been married nearly 50 years.

Originally posted by pedalfaster
Ohhh tough one. I'd like to think I could date a non-cyclist, but the not having a sport(or working out) at all part would bother me. Part of it is that physical fitness and activity is important to me and I want to see the same values in my partner.

Annnd...to me there is a difference between just "working out" and having a sport that you are passionate about. I don't think I could date a "gym rat" or someone who walked 3 miles a day for exercise. I think I *could* date someone who hiked regularly and was planning to through-hike the AT. The difference is the passion, the commitement, the drive.

Does that make any sense at all?

[Adventure Girl]

My husband and I bought our first mountain bikes and started riding together. It wasn't a good match. He is a really good descender. I am a better climber. So when we rode together, we'd climb a hill and I would wait for him at the top. Then we'd ride down and he'd wait for me at the bottom. He found that he just didn't like mountain biking that much and I found that I love it. We only ride together a few times a year now.

But he is TOTALLY supportive of my riding. He goes to all my races and has even hung around (for HOURS) when I have ridden centuries. Last year when I did a 24-hour race, he was there the entire time. My co-ed team was 4 guys and me, and the wives of my 4 team mates weren't there throughout the event. Robert had just gotten out of the hospital a few days before the race (he was recovering from a motorcycle accident). And he was there at the finish line for every lap I finished (even my 1:00 AM lap!). Total support!

But a good marriage must have compromises. Even though we are a "mixed marriage", it works for us. I support his activities that are important to him. He supports the activities that are important to me. Our marriage illustrates that one does not have to PARTICIPATE to be supportive.

[Irulan]

Originally posted by Adventure Girl

But a good marriage must have compromises. Even though we are a "mixed marriage", it works for us. I support his activities that are important to him. He supports the activities that are important to me. Our marriage illustrates that one does not have to PARTICIPATE to be supportive.

AG, that's very cool he is so supportive. And you are so right about compromise. And communication. It took me years to figure out I wasn't comfortable with white water, anything above class 3. He's really bummed that I don't like it... but what can i say, I don't. 4 and above scares the crap out of me, it's no fun for me to fee like I''m going to puke all day. He's into snowmelt and run off too, which means rain, and cold. For the most part I stay home and do things like strip wall paper when he's out with the guys boating. If it's nice weather tho, I drive shuttle and explore bike trails if it's a day trip.
Our boating page, with albums

<minor rant>
The thing that makes me most sad is when two people are so into their sports that they aren't being a couple - not doing things together. It's worse IMO when kids are involved. People get so into who's going to do what sport and the child care switchoff, with out doing things as a FAMILY. </rant>

Irulan

[grannydea]

I agree with Adventure Girl. My hubby is not a rider unless you count motercycles. But he is there for me and is always checking up on me when I am out on a ride, road or mountian, long or short. He has alway been there for me when I have ridden rides like the STP. We have been married for 29 years now. I would say that we started out with little in common other than a lust for eachother
We do enjoy fishing hunting and other outdoor stuff together and I do ride quads with him but I am not going to ride Thunder mountian with him but am there to watch him do it, just like he is there at the stops and finish line for me. Mixed can work but it all is something that has to be worked at mixed or not. Hope this helps. One question does he not like it that you do this stuff?
Dea

[Adventure Girl]

Originally posted by grannydea
One question does he not like it that you do this stuff?

On the contrary.... he LOVES that I LOVE cycling.

[grannydea]

Sorry AG that question was for Treck420.

[Adventure Girl]

Originally posted by grannydea
Sorry AG that question was for Treck420.

Oops... Sorry. It's not always me, me me!

Trek420:
Have you dated a "non-cyclist" before? Marriage is one thing... Dating is quite another--especially in the early stages of a relationship. It seems like common interests would be very important when dating. But I guess it depends on the two people. If they are both pretty independent, they could "do their own thing" as long as both people have an understanding.

[spokes]

a 'spin' on the replies so far...

earlier in the thread, someone mentioned a partner who isn't 'active.' i'm curious about this one. i've tried to do something active every day (not always successfully) for a couple years now. (keep in mind 'active' for me includes bike-commuting, indoor trainer-riding, yoga, or a nice brisk walk-- so it's not a huge challenge to do something.) knowing how much of a difference this has made in how i feel-- both self-esteem-wise and my general health-- i'm not sure i could get involved with someone who wasn't active in some way. i had a cold in january and couldn't even walk upstairs without coughing up a lung. after four days of inactivity i felt like a slug!!! if i got involved with someone who was inactive, i'd surely try to convert him. any thoughts on partnering with 'slugs'?

[kelrunran]

That is a hard one. I think it would be terribly difficult to be with an "inactive" person. My husband and I have always been active together whether it be, camping, hiking, fishing, running, biking.......He is a lot faster than me at everything but none-the-less we share many sports. Now, we enjoy doing races together...running races or triathlons or whatever. It is so nice to have somebody there for you give with a hug and a kiss at the start and finish!

My husband now also does adventure races. I have been the support crew quite a few times and love every minute of it. He would do the same for me.

Some of the women in my "active circle" that have inactive spouses do have more issues to deal with that prove to be obstacles and can take the fun out of a sport.

I consider myself very lucky!

Kelly

[kpc]

My husband is mostly a slug. He will very occasionally do a little yoga and he will hike or bike ride (slowly) if the weather is nice for about an hour on Sundays. That's all he enjoys. I do like the fact that he's always around the house for the kids when I'm off riding or gym-ing. I would love to have a partner to discuss stuff with and work out with. But I have people @ the gym, a bike club (and now this forum). And I'm not always happy, so sometimes it's good to just go off by myself and burn off some tension. The different activity levels is not a big problem for us.

[Trek420]

"Trek420: Have you dated a "non-cyclist" before? Marriage is one thing... Dating is quite another--especially in the early stages of a relationship. It seems like common interests would be very important when dating. But I guess it depends on the two people. If they are both pretty independent, they could "do their own thing" as long as both people have an understanding."

Hi gals, didn't realize this had moved! well many questions at once one is my last LTR which ended recently, we both biked but I was more into it than she was. That was not why it ended obviously. I'm dating some now and she (the date) appreciates that I ride but probably just 'cause of the legs ;-)

But if you have to remind her/him "if you want these, I have to do this" ;-)

If both people are independent one could do their hobby while another one bikes and share things later on, between work, family, different hobbies you might not have enough quality time (which was a problem with the ex).

You take a calculated risk stepping out the door in the morning and if you manage to live to old age you'll have some aches and pains. Why court the side effects of a sedentary lifestyle? Am I selfish in saying that now that I can legaly vow "in sickness and in health" in certain cities with questionable benefits and pending legality <g> I'd like to enjoy some health before the sickness part ;-)

Call me weird but I enjoy working out, anyone have experience with a couch potato getting them to exercise? I'm a reformed slug myself but that came from within, I don't think it's likely for non exercisers to change.

[snapdragen]

Originally posted by Trek420
I'm a reformed slug myself but that came from within, I don't think it's likely for non exercisers to change.

Oh, I don't know. It could be she catches "the bug" after being with you for a while and decides to try this bike thing. (Tandems anyone? )

[annie]

Pretty much what kpc said!

>>My husband is mostly a slug. He will very occasionally do a little yoga and he will hike or bike ride (slowly) if the weather is nice for about an hour on Sundays. That's all he enjoys. I do like the fact that he's always around the house for the kids when I'm off riding or gym-ing. I would love to have a partner to discuss stuff with and work out with. But I have people @ the gym, a bike club (and now this forum). And I'm not always happy, so sometimes it's good to just go off by myself and burn off some tension. The different activity levels is not a big problem for us>>

My husband is also a slug (ooo-that doesn't even sound good, does it?) He goes on streaks when he will go to the gym and workout for a few weeks, but then he quits. When the kids were little, yes, it was nice for me to be able to get out and ride, knowing that he was perfectly content staying home with the kids and the TV. I always made absolutely SURE that he and I did things together, too, tho' its never been exercise-related stuff. Still isn't and I can see it never will be which doesn't thrill me. It would be nice to be with someone who wanted to get out and have adventures. I have tried, over the years, to convert him but if it hasn't happened in 25 years, I don't think it will. I am very lucky to have many friend to ride and exercise with. I am lucky he seems to understand that I need to do this. So if I sound like I am whining, I don't mean to be!! Life is pretty good! I just can't help but wonder sometimes what it would be like to be with someone who loved to do what I love to do.........

[emily_in_nc]

Unlike some of you, my husband cycles. A lot. He was actually the one who inspired me to get into cycling. But just because you both share the passion for cycling doesn't mean it's always something you can do together. He averages from 17-20 mph, and I average from 15-16.5 mph (hoping to bring that up this year!) It is very hard for us to ride together unless he is really needing a "take it easy" type of day, because he normally prefers to push and has a very hard time going my pace. I can understand this as I have a tough time riding with slower riders myself. We're both pretty competitive with ourselves and like to do our best.

We do have a tandem in addition to our single bikes, which solves the riding together problem, but we've discovered that we're both a bit too independent to be good tandem partners. He forgets to call out turns, stops, bumps, etc, and I don't like not being able to see in front of me. He also likes the freedom of his single and will only ride the tandem if it's just the two of us and we need to stay together, not on club rides.

So, on club rides, he ends up in the lead group, pacelining and pushing to the max. I end up somewhere in the middle, often riding alone since I'm not fast but nor am I one of the very slowest.

It is very nice to have a spouse to talk cycling with, go to events with, go shop at the LBS with, plan adventures with, to be sure; I feel lucky in that respect. But sometimes it would be nice to have a spouse to actually ride with! Because of differences in abilities, just having the same interest doesn't guarantee that.....

Emily

[Trek420]

"I just can't help but wonder sometimes what it would be like to be with someone who loved to do what I love to do.........:"

See Annie, Emily in nc just answered your question ;-)

I'm sure there's a gal who'll chime in and say "it'd be great if I was married to someone who'd stay home and watch the kids so that I can take a break on the bike." I've got to say that cycling partners seems the way to go although both have their merrits. Lately sometimes I ride with a group, I got a late start today and so rode on my own. There was a moment when I started out I felt a little pensive to be riding alone much less having a partner who rides. But as soon as I warmed up I just felt fine, the bike cures all kinds of ills ;-)