Mega sticky friend dilemma

[Reesha]

Honestly I'm not certain of anything. Based on the conversations she has with her husband while in our office she is still 100% trusting and 100% in love. My heart breaks for her.

You're right... they may already have a lawyer and the like. Her cousin and his wife are thinking about how to handle it and I may just let her worry about it. She probably doesn't want to sully our work relationship with this stuff anyway, especially since my boyfriend works at the restaurant. If he didn't, well... it might be a different story.

[Reesha]

I got some new news that she and her family are literally buying a new restaurant for him. This news broke of course before the other situation has been settled-- he owes the prior restaurant a great deal of money.

Her cousin told me first and then she told me this morning all excited. I of course felt nothing but sick and told her I was excited for her and left the room. I am not sure I can even share an office with her today knowing what I know and knowing how badly she could get fleeced in this situation.

[pll]

Wow.

[Sky King]

I got some new news that she and her family are literally buying a new restaurant for him. This news broke of course before the other situation has been settled-- he owes the prior restaurant a great deal of money.

Her cousin told me first and then she told me this morning all excited. I of course felt nothing but sick and told her I was excited for her and left the room. I am not sure I can even share an office with her today knowing what I know and knowing how badly she could get fleeced in this situation.

Okay, to me it sounds like it is time for you to come clean with her - ie Dear Friend, This is the word out on the street... While I am withholding judgement I felt I should let you know this is what others are saying and because of that I am worried about you. -

[indysteel]

Wow.

Ditto x 1,000.

[Irulan]

Sounds like a good time to detach from the whole situAtion. You can still care about your friend without losing energy to her problems. If you are getting ill from her stuff it's a pretty good sign that you may be too invested in something that is ultimately none of your business. I know that letting go of good friends issues is really tough. As a friend we think we should be there to help and support, but there comes a point when it's good to step back, realize they are adults a fully capable of making their own (bad)'decisions, and that you have zero control over it. I've been know to set a boundary- an example might be, I really care about you, but I find this very upsetting and I need to not listen to any of it anymore, as in " not a topic for discussion ever" kind of thing. That may be one way to keep your sanity.
.

[Dogmama]

Chalk up another one for "stay out of it." Bad idea to get between husband & wife. Worse idea to get between same couple if an addiction is involved. She may be enabling him, for whatever reason. If so, she may regard your support as meddling in her affairs.

Also, a family member is aware of the situation. If anybody gets involved, it should be that person. And if she should ever question you about not telling her, you could simply explain that 1. It was none of your business 2. Your information was secondhand 3. Because a cousin was aware of the situation, it was up to him/her to get involved. You are a co-worker first, IMO.

Finally, DH and I always know where the other person is. I find it strange that her DH would disappear for hours to gamble & she doesn't know something is up. Thus - my advice for staying out of it. There may be lots more here than is being told.

[Irulan]

http://www.gam-anon.org/

for friends and families of someone who gambles.
(for you, your friend can decide to go on her own)

[owlice]

One of my greatest regrets in life is not having said something when it could have helped alert someone to someone else's behavior.

There is potential for financial disaster here. What kind of person lets someone become ruined just for lack of a few well-chosen words? If the cousin/someone else closer to her doesn't say anything, you have to. I'm sorry to disagree with so many others here, but someone has to say something to her, and if no one else does, be a true, rather than convenient, friend to her and do it. You think she won't feel totally betrayed when she learns -- as she surely will eventually -- that others had but withheld information from her? Is she going to want to be friends with you when she learns that you were one of those people? Why add humiliation to the mix?

Take her out (away from work), let her know you're there for her, tell her what you've heard, acknowledge that you don't have her husband's side of the story, and then let her know that you will never bring this up again if she prefers that you not. Let her know that you value her, her work, your friendship.

It might help if you appear confused about what the whole story is -- because you don't have the whole story -- and are just letting her know that you've been hearing some things that seem off but don't really understand all of it. This is the Miss Manners method of appearing not to totally understand something for the sake of helping the other person save face; if you're familiar with her advice, you'll recognize the technique, and if you aren't familiar with her advice, please know that I am not doing it justice!

You may not lose the friendship if you do tell her, but I would bet dollars to doughnuts you'll definitely lose it once she finds out you were one of the people who didn't say anything, even if the only utility to her of that information is to let her know that other people have been told something of the situation. How she addresses this, what she does with the information, is up to her, but really, someone has to let her know.

Or, you know, what Sky King said so much more succinctly than I did!

[indysteel]

I vote stay out of it. This isn't just a situation where a friend is in trouble and you're in a position to help. A crime was allegedly committed here and the OP's boyfriend may be involved, ultimately, in either a criminal or civil action involving it. For that reason, don't complicate it further by interjecting yourself any further. One possible scenario: You tell her your concerns and then she confides in you something even more damning or incriminating about her husband and, god forbid, admits that she was somehow involved. Then where are you? Leave it to her cousin to intervene.

[Reesha]

Thank you, ladies for all your valued opinions.

I'm going to err on the side of letting it go and not talking about it. The reason of course is that I cannot conceive of her cousin (with whom her entire family is very close) not finding a way to let her family or her know the situation. Either way she will find out when the settlement happens. He doesn't have any money and since he owes tens of thousands, they would be right to ask questions before paying up. And maybe not. Cousin should take care of it. If I were family I'd be all over that.

If she finds out I knew something, I will tell her that I didn't feel right approaching it since I didn't have her husband's side of the story and it ultimately wasn't any of my business.

Financial ruin is not a possibility here. Financial set back is, but her family is pretty extensively wealthy and there's a finite amount of money that will be invested in the business. Also they have a prenup to protect her family's wealth.

[Catrin]

Reesha, I am glad you came up with a way to deal with this sticky situation that you can live with - that latter being the most important. It is good to read that she and her family is protected with a prenup. It is astounding that her cousin hasn't filled her in yet, but as you said, she will at least find out when the settlement happens. It is really hard to go where family should and aren't (yet).

[pll]

Let's not assume the cousin has not spoken yet! Often times, people only hear what they want hear and nothing else. I am dealing with an issue with my sister (and her long time boyfriend), but in her soap opera, I am the villain.

[Reesha]

I know for a fact her cousin hasn't spoken yet. I think he will though in the near future. I can't imagine knowing all that, belonging to the family, and doing nothing.

But you're right about soap operas and people hearing what they want to hear and nothing else. As others have said, denial can be really deep and powerful.