Need wedding advice

[GLC1968]

Dogmomma - I agree with the others who said that no monetary amount is going to 'solve' this thing with your step-daughter. You should do what you want to do concerning her wedding and be happy with that (and the consequences).


I do feel the need to point out that not all children who marry in their 30's and have their wedding paid for by their parents turn into money-grubbing, entitled brats. I'm frankly a little horrified at the venom here. Yes, there are people who go into debt to have the big huge wedding for appearances. And yes, there are adult children who suck their parents dry for all sorts of reasons. But there are also responsible, professional adult children who throw a big wedding and share a fantastic day with friends and family (that will long be remembered by everyone in attendance) paid for by their parents without the need to take out a second mortgage, drain the savings or melt a credit card. And not all 35 year old first time brides who have such a wedding end up as spoiled, problem adults.

Just in case anyone was wondering...

[withm]

She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc.

When and if they actually set a date for the wedding, that might be the time for one of you to say to the step-daughter something like this - "Honey that's wonderful. We are so pleased. We'd like to do something for you both. If there is anything in particular that we can do to help you out with the wedding, just let us know." That could be simply cash, flowers, photographer, dress, reception - whatever. But the key is to see what they really want or need. They may not be going the big white wedding route (and boy I wish I had prevailed and skipped it myself but my father would not hear of it). And maybe all she really wants is a Kitchen Aid Mixer, or a nice couch.

Now if she responds with a reasonable request or suggestion, you can say "Great, we'll take care of that for you." Of course you get to define "reasonable."

But if she comes back with something that is beyond your capability, you counter with "Oh dear, I'm afraid that will be more than we can handle, but we'll make a contribution of $xxx or (name item, or service) to help you out along those lines.

She is still his daughter, and gosh, even if you are somewhat estranged, you are all still family. No matter how distant, or how much you may or may not get along, I think it's always best to keep lines of communication open. In another 20-30 years, the tables may be turned, and you might become very dependent on the step-daughter & husband.

A gift is something you can give, and then you let go of it. You can not control what the recipient says or does with it. You can't be responsible for any perceived slights. By giving her the opportunity to state their needs first, you have the easier task of determining if you can or want to comply, or you counter with what you can offer.

Remember the first rule of negotiating - the first person that mentions a dollar amount loses.

If she turns into Bridezilla, she is only hurting herself, her intended, and her friends. And that case, if it were me, I'd probably have no problem reconsidering the amount or kind of gift.

[ny biker]

Well, since I personally don't feel marriage is that important, yes I would. (And if my son keeps his faith until he's marrying age, I may even get to test that view.) But I get your point I sort of saw parents giving cash, then dictating how the wedding should be. But I guess the couple could always just decline the money.

(pardon the digression, just curious)

There are many cases when parents expect to have a final say on all the wedding decisions because they are paying for it. And many cases where the bride (and/or groom) gets carried away in planning "their special day," to the point of being quite unpleasant to deal with. I went to one wedding where the bride got angry because her close friend left the reception early due to illness and therefore did not eat any of the expensive food that she had paid for. Another bride I know spent the day after her wedding crying because her husband wasn't enthusiastic enough and didn't do the correct hand gestures while they sung a duet for the guests at the reception. (I am not making this up.)

If you tend not to have this sort of behavior in Norway, good for you. We really ought not to need the word "bridezilla" in our vocabulary.

</digression>

[indysteel]

Jess is right, she does need some therapy to come to terms with reality. Her actions toward her father have been passive/aggressive and up until recently her father and I have been accepting and loving. Not tooting our own horns, but it's the truth. We've overlooked many transgressions, nasty comments & hurtful actions. A year ago, I made Christmas dinner and at the last minute she called, said she was helping a friend move & could we hold dinner for two hours. That was it for me. I told her maybe we'd do it some other time but dinner was ready in 30 minutes & I could not hold it. I told her father it was "game over" as far as I was concerned.

Putting the wedding aside for a second, have you and/or your husband ever talked to your step daughter about her behavior and your hurt and resentful feelings? You haven't mentioned it in describing the dynamic. If you haven't, why not do you think that is?

I ask because I know so many families (including my own) where problems just fester until they blow up past the point of no return. I have to wonder if some of the ill will could be diffused by direct and honest communication. Obviously, it's not a cure all, but it's at least better than bottling everything up.

[Crankin]

Lph, to answer your question, my son could have cared less about the country club reception. We thought they would have *some* kind of party, but we pictured a casual, fun party, maybe with a DJ. He told us "it's what she wants," and while he didn't say he felt pressured, he acted resigned to the fact, even after trying to convince her otherwise. And, this set the stage. I mean, she didn't even wear her wedding ring, just her engagement ring for 9 months, and acted like they were preparing for the wedding, and not married yet. When my son didn't wear his wedding ring at karate class and some women hit on him, she went nuts and insisted he put it on. The thing is, I really liked her until all of this.
You know, I don't know if I agree with the statement, "kids always come first." While both DH and I would have done anything for our kids, our relationship always came first. Of course, I am not divorced. There are situations in divorced/blended families that are different, but holding a grudge against a parent for remarrying over decades, seems harsh. If a divorced parent who does not have physical custody ignores his or her kid, that's bad, too. But, I see too many parents who forget about their spouses until their kids are 18 or 21 and then wonder why there's nothing left to the marriage. It's hard work to be a parent and even harder to do it alone. Ideally, divorced parents still need to work together for the good of the kids, even if they don't like each other. Parents need to shape up and act like adults, for the good of the kids in these cases. But that doesn't mean you can't remarry and be happy when you have kids.

[Dogmama]

You know, I don't know if I agree with the statement, "kids always come first." While both DH and I would have done anything for our kids, our relationship always came first. Of course, I am not divorced. There are situations in divorced/blended families that are different, but holding a grudge against a parent for remarrying over decades, seems harsh.

That could be why you're still married.

NY Biker, I absolutely do not expect to have ANY say in how the wedding is planned, if we give $2.00 or $2,000. I firmly believe it is a day reserved for the couple. The beauty of that is - if things turn sour, it isn't our fault! I had an older woman try to micromanage my wedding - she was a close friend but had definite ideas on how things should go. For example, she thought I should have a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. Wouldn't that be stunning with biker tan lines?

Indy, yes we've both talked to her about therapy and how we perceive her attitude. She refuses therapy and doesn't see her part in our situation at all. For example, her father had to go out of town to a funeral for a fellow Vietnam vet. The daughter said to me, "Oh great. Now I guess he'll be spending all of his time at funerals for his old fart friends." Trying to explain a connection between veterans would have been useless so I let the remark hang in the air.

There is no animosity between her & myself that I'm aware of. I'm very careful to not offer opinions, etc. I'm glad she has the relationship with her mother, although she hates her stepfather.

GLC, I know the majority of young adults are not blood suckers. Many of my friends have adult children who are responsibly conducting their own life, thank goodness!

LPH summed it up perfectly - can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

[indysteel]

That could be why you're still married.

NY Biker, I absolutely do not expect to have ANY say in how the wedding is planned, if we give $2.00 or $2,000. I firmly believe it is a day reserved for the couple. The beauty of that is - if things turn sour, it isn't our fault! I had an older woman try to micromanage my wedding - she was a close friend but had definite ideas on how things should go. For example, she thought I should have a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. Wouldn't that be stunning with biker tan lines?

Indy, yes we've both talked to her about therapy and how we perceive her attitude. She refuses therapy and doesn't see her part in our situation at all. For example, her father had to go out of town to a funeral for a fellow Vietnam vet. The daughter said to me, "Oh great. Now I guess he'll be spending all of his time at funerals for his old fart friends." Trying to explain a connection between veterans would have been useless so I let the remark hang in the air.

There is no animosity between her & myself that I'm aware of. I'm very careful to not offer opinions, etc. I'm glad she has the relationship with her mother, although she hates her stepfather.

GLC, I know the majority of young adults are not blood suckers. Many of my friends have adult children who are responsibly conducting their own life, thank goodness!

LPH summed it up perfectly - can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

Oh, that's sad, Dogmama. I'm glad you've at least tried to approach her about these issues, but she just sounds like she just won't/can't get it. Perhaps marriage will wisen her up--but I wouldn't count on it (as I'm sure you're not).

[Dogmama]

Oh yeah, forgot to mention another potential angst causer for her. My new bike is here. Granted, I put the money down a long time before she made her announcement - but it's a little difficult to cry poor. Of course, she will have no idea how much I paid & I won't tell her (it's a Madone 6.2 with electronic shifters, custom paint, carbon fiber handlebars & other goodies so that will give you an idea...) I will post pictures in another thread.

OTOH, I worked my butt off for 35 years at a job that I mostly hated, made really good money and kept my eye on the ball (full retirement.) Many days I went to work in tears because of the stress & humiliation that came with my position. I have to keep that in mind.

The big financial setback that we are experiencing now is our dog needing cataract surgery. He's only 5 years old but nearly blind in one eye and 50% vision in the other. They came up very suddenly, so there is urgency to get this done. We're looking at $4,000 for this.

So, not a good time for anybody to be asking us for money!

[Veronica]

At 36 she should "expect" to be paying for her own wedding and gracefully accept any offers of help from her parents. But that's because, I got married at 19 and we paid for nearly everything ourselves. And I HATED my wedding dress, but it was all I could afford.

She's not a teenager whom you need to be pussyfooting around because she's still trying to figure herself out. Clearly she's matured into a not very nice person and if she weren't your stepdaughter, you would have nothing to do with her. The only obligation I think you have, is to be cordial and polite.

The dog and the bike are way more important.

Veronica

[indysteel]

I think you need to stop rationalizing/beating yourself up....

Do exactly what you feel is right for the situation, and stop worrying.

Amen.

[Dogmama]

I think you need to stop rationalizing/beating yourself up....

Do exactly what you feel is right for the situation, and stop worrying.

OK, putting the whip down...

[Trek420]

For example, her father had to go out of town to a funeral for a fellow Vietnam vet. The daughter said to me, "Oh great. Now I guess he'll be spending all of his time at funerals for his old fart friends." Trying to explain a connection between veterans would have been useless....

Such empathy. Did you say she's a nurse? I'm just sayin' I hope I stay out of her hospital.

My understanding is whether by quietly by a JOP or a huge, Kardashian inspired production or something in between you are just as married.

I vote that you have many happy rides on the Madone, take care of the dogeeeee and yourselves. Enjoy.