donate to charity - as a gift

[bmccasland]

I'm in a quandry, and therefore I'm putting it out for advice from the TE sisterhood (and brotherhood).

Again Father Dearest and his wife have made a donation in my name to one of their local charities, this time to a church run private school that wife is heavily involved with. Previous years it has been to the church's missionary fund. I would prefer that if a donation is made in my name, it's to a charity that I would support, or at least to one in my area. So how do I suggest to them that I'd prefer a donation be made elsewhere? Or do I even make the suggestion?

Writing the yearly thank you note is difficult, because I just don't appreciate the "gift." So I put a note on my calendar, say in September, that I write FD and suggest charities A, B, or C, as ones I'd like supported for the annual Christmas "gift?"

[malkin]

I am more cynical than many or most, but I think when it is a gift it doesn't matter if you want it or not.

[OakLeaf]

I vote the other direction. If they've chosen a charity that they know contravenes your principles, then it isn't a gift to you. It's a tweak and nothing but. And if they don't know it contravenes your principles, then giving them a list of suggestions is a nice non-confrontational way to let them know.

I'm sure there are local charities that wouldn't offend either of you - secular food banks are usually pretty "safe," just for one.

[lph]

I don't think you can say anything at all about a gift already given. They're entitled to give you anything they like, conversely you have the right to not be happy about it

But for next year you could try a note along the lines of "I appreciate donations given to charity, and if anyone would like to give me this as a Christmas gift please consider x, y and z, that are close to my heart" or add some other less flowery explanation.

That way when they ignore it they're being plain obstinate...

[TsPoet]

While I like LPH' idea, I also would be more bold myself. My mom, in fact, did the same thing a few years ago - donated a lot of money in "my" name to help build a new building for her church. I flat out told her that I didn't go to her church, and that my beliefs were a little different and that I wouldn't mind if she donated to X, Y, or Z, but I was not happy with her choice.
Since then, she's bought me gifts instead. Honestly, the donation idea was fine with me, just not which donation.
I used to receive $20 ornaments from my step grandmother that she purchased from a nature conservancy local to her where x% went to them - I thought that was great. The combo of the little token that I go, and the smaller dollar amount made it alright that it was their choice. It also wasn't a religion (which I don't believe in giving to unless its mine for me!).

[malkin]

The cynical me always wonders--if someone gives "in my name" would it not be appropriate for me to get something to use for tax purposes?

Or does the giver get the tax benefit as well?

[lph]

oh, and ps: I do agree that if someone gives a donation to something that you actively dislike, you can indeed pipe up and say so.

[goldfinch]

Cripe, it has to be hard to thank someone for something you don't want or support. I wouldn't do a thank you note at all and then take lph's suggestion for next year.

[OakLeaf]

The cynical me always wonders--if someone gives "in my name" would it not be appropriate for me to get something to use for tax purposes?

Or does the giver get the tax benefit as well?

I'm not a tax lawyer, but AFAIK the IRS doesn't care about sentiment or gestures - only about who owned the money and gave it away (and the best I could find without getting deeper into it than I wanted to on a holiday was a two-year-old article from TurboTax that agrees).

[goldfinch]

If you don't give the money you don't get the tax deduction.

[bmccasland]

Mom and I (folks are divorced) had the discussion when she broached the subject about donating to charity instead. She had some questions about what charities I support, then said she'd surprise me. On my end, y'all helped me find a charity in her area. So we're both happy. This year I gifted a pair of goats to someone in Africa. Then environmentalist in me hopes that said kids go somewhere with nice grass to munch on and water to drink. Last year the same charity planted some trees - I liked this one better - somewhere out there is a small forest in my name.

It's Dad that's the problem. This is a man that would tell me that if he wanted my opionion, he'd tell me what it is. Why yes, he is retired military. I suppose I'll word my thank you note carefully - there was also a check to me in the same card, so I can't ignore the whole thing.

[owlice]

Oh, they sent you a check, too? I'd thank them for the money and tell them that you donated the funds to a charity that has a lot of meaning to you, and then go on to say why the charity has a lot of meaning to you, something about the important work that it does, and how happy you are that you were able to donate to it. Depending on how much you wanted to drive home the point, you might also tell them it really made your Christmas to be able to support this charity.

And then, almost as an afterthought, you can add something along the lines of "thanks for donating to [step-mom's charity choice] in my name, too" and have that be all you say about that.

[Jen12]

It's Dad that's the problem. This is a man that would tell me that if he wanted my opionion, he'd tell me what it is. Why yes, he is retired military. I suppose I'll word my thank you note carefully - there was also a check to me in the same card, so I can't ignore the whole thing.

If your dad has this type of personality, all you can do is roll your eyes and let it go as if they'd given you an ugly vase or some other gift you can't use. It was kind of him to also send you a check in addition. I agree with the poster who suggested that you tell him you used that check for a donation to your own choice of charity.

I do get your concern about having your name on it and wanting to support a charity of your own preference. Perhaps you can tactfully mention a charity or two several times over the course of the year when you talk with them and hope they get the hint if this is to be a regular holiday tradition for them. If not, and if your father is indeed set in his ways, he's going to do what he wants to do and there's no use in getting upset about it. Just roll with it.

[sookiesue]

Do you usually send Dad a gift? If so, perhaps next year you can make a donation in HIS name to a charity you support (perhaps one you know he might not love so much?) as your gift to him. Passive aggressive, I know, but it would even out the donation he made "for" you...and maybe make you feel better.

[channlluv]

I was just thinking this exact same thing, SookieSue, but I'm going to have to go with Owlice on the note-writing idea.

I love donating to Heiffer, too. I've donated flocks of geese, chickens, and rabbits in my daughter's teachers' names. It's such a good cause, all the way around.

Roxy