Help, Divorce

[wabisabi]

I don't think we can understand what it is like to be in your shoes, but can offer caring, and a belief that you are figuring out what is best for you. I hope you can manage to get on your bike, and find it it the wonderful sense of sheer joy, freedom and strength that we all find. It can be a great way to take care of yourself.

[SadieKate]

Sorry you're having such a rough patch right now Honeypie. We are good at listening, and offering support. Sometimes that is all a person really needs, so she doesn't feel alone.

<<<<<<hug>>>>>>

Yeah, what she said.

Honeypie, sounds like the divorce decision is made. Be strong and do what needs to be done for you and your children. I can't even guess at all the history that has brought you to this point and would never presume to offer unrequested advice.

Let's all just share the box of bon-bons, OK? Honeypie, I don't like the funny pink or green gooey centers, you want them?

[Honeypie]

You all have my best interest in mind, even though you have differing views. I appreciate it believe me.

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. Kids are older in HS. They don't want to live with him. He never went to their games, programs, took them to doctor. I worked the entire marriage and went to school at night, did all the house work, yard work, painted the house. I was not allowed to talk on the phone, make money decisions, even go shopping alone. We did seperate for 2 years, I took him back, the cops were at my door within a few days.

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

[ladyfish]

Good luck, and hang tough. Remember, exercise (cycling) is a great stress reliever and will make you feel better. I know when I'm going through rough times, exercise has been my outlet.

Listen to yourself, respect your feelings and take care of the kids. Everything else will fall into the proper place.

[bcipam]

You all have my best interest in mind, even though you have differing views. I appreciate it believe me.

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. Kids are older in HS. They don't want to live with him. He never went to their games, programs, took them to doctor. I worked the entire marriage and went to school at night, did all the house work, yard work, painted the house. I was not allowed to talk on the phone, make money decisions, even go shopping alone. We did seperate for 2 years, I took him back, the cops were at my door within a few days.

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

Geez why didn't say that before... you probably stayed way too long. No abuse from either spouse should ever be tolerated. Especially when children are around, even in HS. Get out, go home to your mom and dad (if possible) so the kids and you have a good support system. If you can't go home, then make sure you have friends and others around to talk to and with. Make sure the kids are also kept in the loop. They probably wonder why you took so long to throw in the towel.

Just a word of advice, what you say indicates your husband was controlling and you tolerated his poor behavior. It's not uncommon to shortly find yourself in another controlling relationship ( the odds are very high). Seek counseling for yourself. Be in no rush to find another man. Your kids need you right now let your friends and family provide companionship. Consider finding a bike club in your area. Great way to meet other folks. If you are religious, most churches have support groups for divorcing parents with children. Fellowship in any form will help you through the bad times.

[doc]

You all have my best interest in mind, even though you have differing views. I appreciate it believe me.

10 years on/off of marriage and individual counseling. Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. Kids are older in HS. They don't want to live with him. He never went to their games, programs, took them to doctor. I worked the entire marriage and went to school at night, did all the house work, yard work, painted the house. I was not allowed to talk on the phone, make money decisions, even go shopping alone. We did seperate for 2 years, I took him back, the cops were at my door within a few days.

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

'Nuf said. Git while the gittin' is good. Don't look back. Make sure you have lots of support - family, friends, co-workers etc.
Make sure you're safe. I worry about that alot. One wonderful mother of twins I took care of was murdered by her husband because he thought she was having an affair. BTW, she was not. How would a person squeeze an affair into the day with twin 11 month old babies anyway?

[Surlygirl]

I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

"So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, Hasta la Vista baby!"
Time to take care of yourself Honeypie. Be strong. Ride your bike.

[Duck on Wheels]

Honeypie,

I wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve! Your kids too. You're doing the right thing. Please do it carefully, which is not to say slowly! Carefully means doing it fast and having folks around you keeping an eye out. This guy sounds like he can be dangerous.

And if you can get out there and ride from time to time (maybe best in a group), then do that too. I've been lucky with my choice of partner, but had a sociopath for a boss once and spineless wimps in the administration above. Physical exercise does help with stress relief. My exercise at the time was hiking and ... smashing concrete with a sledgehammer. I kid you not. We were lowering the basement floor, had it cut up into squares with a compressor drill, then DH put off clearing it out while I smashed square by square with a sledgehammer. Had some great visualisations going while I did it too.

[Brandi]

Coming from an abusive upbringing you made the best decision you could have possibly made. No man is worth it. When I met my dh I asked him right off "do you it women and think you are always right?"He said no and no! He understands why now. But I told him if either of these things come up even once there will be no second chances. He is alloud to be right every once in awhile.
I know another women who was in the same shoes who just got divorced from her husband of 18 years. After two years she now is totally independent and things are really improving in her life. She does go to therapy but she has a job and her own friends now and her self worth has grown a lot. The same will happen for you!
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. I hope it is helping!

[Trekhawk]

I have lurked here a very long time and feel envious of all you. You seem so happy and settled.

I am going thru a divorce (my choice) after a long marriage. It is all I can do to get on my bike. I have kids, who keep me going and bring me sunshine.

My spouse is not at all being cooperative and is threatening me with everything possible. At the same time he doesn't want me to divorce him. But get this, he is dating!!

Help

Hope life gets better soon. Sending hugs your way.

Sadiekate - I will take the green gooey centers.

[Trekhawk]

Not harsh, Cindysue....truthful. The latter bit you wrote, I'm going through at the moment....
~B

BikeMomma - I hope things sort themselves out for you.
Life definitely is a ride with plenty of pain and lots of thrills.
Hang in there.

[Pax]

So bcipam...she's wrong if she leaves because of the children and not meeting her mans needs but once she deigns to share deeply personal information then she gets this compassionate and caring response:

Geez why didn't say that before... you probably stayed way too long.

Must be a fine thing to be all knowing like you. I've got a little turmoil going on in my life right now...maybe you can pompously tell me how to live as well.

[sydney_b]

It's tough now, but it'll get better. Keep riding and keep focused on what you want to achieve out of your life. I'm sending you a big virtual hug.

/s

[Lise]

Hi, HP, and welcome to the TE board.

I stayed with my ex, through physical, verbal, and financial abuse, because I had a ring on my finger and had taken vows. I am ashamed to say that when I was kicked out of my home (so the new woman could move in), I still thought I could "save my marriage". I have come to believe that there IS no marriage when abuse occurs. I cannot tell you exactly what vows we took, but I imagine it was "love, honor, cherish", etc. Those were violated with the first threat, the first blow, the first foul name I was called. I was dedicated to an idea of marriage, and it's a good idea, at that. But it wasn't what was actually happening in my home.

The summer after my divorce, I started riding the world's most beat up Schwinn that a friend of my mom's found in an alley and gave me. I would wake up every morning with my heart in my throat, thinking "what am I going to DO?!?!" I rode that bike nearly every day. I rode it to work, even when the chain fell off and the brake pads rotted through. I bought a book and learned how to fix it. I trained for a triathlon on that bike, though I borrowed a friend's "real" tri bike to do the race (came in dead last, btw, and grinning my head off).

Since my divorce, I've become an athlete. I'm still digging out of the debt, but I am getting free. My heart still pounds if I see my ex, which happens about twice a year. I have friends today who would circle round me in a heartbeat. I've never been safer in my life. I've gone from isolated and terrified to loved, loving, and free.

I wish the same for you. Enjoy that bike. All best wishes, Lise

[cindysue]

Restraining order for him, anger management, police cars. ........I am done, the day I filed, my chest pains, insomnia and headaches stopped. How much do you take from someone?.

oh honey - been there, done that. Don't look back. ignore the B.S. he'll throw at ya. Find a friend/family member who you can trust and stay with for awhile until you get back on your feet. It might take a long time to get there, but you and your kids will be sooooooo much better off.

all my best. You are in my thoughts!