grief

[OakLeaf]

Oh, Annie, hugs to you too.

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

[Biciclista]

{{Badger}}

For once in my life, I can say that I understand completely. My dad passed away last Friday, very suddenly. He was 90 but in great health and had been taking care of my mom. I heard he had been taken to the hospital, very ill, from my brother and I raced up there (7 hour drive) and got there 1.5 hours after his death. Two of my brothers waited for me at the hospital, and with my dad, so I could see him. It has been the most difficult ten days of my life.

All the comments made by everyone in this thread have really made me think and I thank you all for them, even though meant for someone else. I can really relate. I cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems sad in my life. I can't seem to focus on anything. I know, it has been a short time, but wow, I was not expecting this.

Thanks for your help.

same for me. And my father died almost 8 years ago. I see a lot of really good advice and wisdom here.

[PamNY]

AnnieBikes, I am so sorry for your loss. All of your reactions sound normal to me. I wish you and your family peace.

Pam

[snapdragen]

I'm glad to know my reactions to my Dad's death are pretty normal. He passed away last Friday, 1 day after we brought him home. Yes, I cry at the drop of a hat. I suddenly realize he's gone, and it doesn't seem real. Life is kind of a surreal swirl right now.

[badger]

oh geez, Annie and snap, I'm so sorry for your loss. Needless to say I know exactly how you feel. My dad died suddenly as well, we were just all shell-shocked. I, too, missed his death by about 20 minutes so I'm sure there are some feelings surrounding that, too.

Big huge hugs to both of you! take care, and PM me if you like. I'm sure we can all use a mutual shoulder to cry on!

[emily_in_nc]

Annie & Snapdragon,

You have my deepest sympathies. Your reactions are totally normal. I was a crying sobbing wreck in the early days (even months) after my dad died suddenly. I felt like I was in a fog, and I couldn't imagine all the happy people around me...it just seemed surreal. I felt like a completely different person from my "old self".

That feeling gradually lifted, and the crying jags lessened gradually over time. Five years later, I feel completely like myself again, whatever that is, but I am forever changed for having lost a parent. Even my DH doesn't really get it b/c he still has both of his parents, and I hate that he will have to go through this one of these days. I do still have my mom, thank goodness.

I had a terrible time sleeping in those first few months and finally went to my doctor for a sleeping pill Rx. I took Lunesta, and it really did help greatly, as I would just lie in bed rehashing everything, imagining the accident, and practically end up in a panic attack without it. So, that is is something to consider if you are obsessing at night. That was the time my thoughts would take over completely, without the distractions of the day.

Huge hugs to you both, and to badger too. May you all find peace in time, and joy in your memories of your dear fathers, as I have.

Emily

[lph]

Another minor insight I remember from the time I was struggling through this myself: part of the grief process was connected to a change in my self-image and perception of the world. My place in the family was changed, my role in regards to the others. The "story of my life" that had been true for over thirty years had changed, I could no longer tell it the same way. I tried. In my head everything was the same, but still it was untrue, at the same time. It felt like having a rug pulled out from under me, as if I had two warring realities trying to exist at the same time. Very unsettling. I mention it because I can imagine that losing a parent can have some of that role-change in it.

My deepest sympathies to all of you.

[Crankin]

Sympathy to all of you. Everyone has given excellent advice.
But reading all of this makes me think that there is something wrong with me. My first experience with the death of a close relative was when my uncle died suddenly at age 52 from a heart attack. I flew across the country for the funeral, which was all about supporting his family. After I came back, I had momements of crying for no reason, or just thinking about him (my aunt and uncle lived with us when I was a kid, for about 2 years). But, the busyness of life took over and it didn't last long.
When it was clear that my mom was going to die from a failed liver transplant, I prepared myself by mentally picturing the funeral and what it would be like when she was gone. Since she was positive during her illness (she even spent time in the hospital, teaching medical residents how to improve their bedside manner, as part of a special program), I decided to be positive. I had a few moments of sadness, but that was about it. I remember her the way she was... happy, active, and a great mother and grandmother.

[emily_in_nc]

Sympathy to all of you. Everyone has given excellent advice.
But reading all of this makes me think that there is something wrong with me. My first experience with the death of a close relative was when my uncle died suddenly at age 52 from a heart attack. I flew across the country for the funeral, which was all about supporting his family. After I came back, I had momements of crying for no reason, or just thinking about him (my aunt and uncle lived with us when I was a kid, for about 2 years). But, the busyness of life took over and it didn't last long.
When it was clear that my mom was going to die from a failed liver transplant, I prepared myself by mentally picturing the funeral and what it would be like when she was gone. Since she was positive during her illness (she even spent time in the hospital, teaching medical residents how to improve their bedside manner, as part of a special program), I decided to be positive. I had a few moments of sadness, but that was about it. I remember her the way she was... happy, active, and a great mother and grandmother.

I don't see anything wrong with your reactions at all. I can't imagine having the kind of grief over an uncle that I did with my dad. I love my uncles, but the relationship is hugely different in my mind and heart.

My experience with losing my maternal grandparents was also not very traumatic. They were both in their 90s, had lived long and good lives, and poor health had caused them to decline over time, to the point that it was almost a blessing when they no longer had to struggle. I grieved briefly for each of them, but again, it was nothing like how I felt when I lost my dad. I went to work the day I found out my grandmother died and flew down for the funeral a couple of days later. I shed a few tears here and there, but I had been losing her for several years, so by the time she died, I guess I had already processed it.

I think part of it for me was that I lost my dad entirely unexpectedly, in a car accident. If that had happened with your mom, you may have reacted very differently than you did. You had at least some time to pro-actively process your mother's passing, to imagine it. Like you say, you were even able to envision the funeral. You were also able to say whatever you needed to to her in the time you had left, I expect. That can help so much with gaining closure. I think that would make a HUGE difference.

For me too, I also think losing my father was harder than it's likely going to be to lose my mom. I love my mom dearly and we are great friends, but there is just something about that father-daughter bond that I find hard to articulate. Isn't a girl's "first love" her daddy? I felt that very profoundly when I lost him so suddenly.

He was 71, which may sound "old" to some, but since my grandparents had lived into their 90s, it still seemed too young to me. I guess I always imagined he'd be around much longer.

[shootingstar]

The "story of my life" that had been true for over thirty years had changed, I could no longer tell it the same way. I

So true, lph. I have rethink how many siblings I have then..and now when I talk to other people. I have to watch my own words. I actually pschologically feel a gap between myself and next existing sister in the birth order (#3), because #2 is no longer around.

I'm so sorry annie, snap for recent loss of loved parent.

[Crankin]

Emily, anyone who thinks 71 is "old" is not our age!
Everyone else in my family (both sides) lives to their 90s, so my mom's death at 67 was very unusual. But, you are right, the suddenness of your dad's death certainly made it much more difficult. That is why grieving over someone who has committed suicide is more difficult, even apart from the anger we feel at the person for leaving us in such a way.
My dad is almost 86 and has recently (including yesterday) had a series of medical procedures to clear up blocked arteries in various parts of his body. He is very active, and still works a few hours a week, but when I spoke to him on the phone at one point yesterday, he sounded frail. Then, when I talked to him later, he told me he was drugged up, so that explained it. But, it felt kind of strange. Since his mother died very naturally, at age 92, playing Bingo (yeah, that was a family joke for quite a while), I expect he will go the same way. But, you never know. I think when that happens, the problem I will have is the strangeness of not having my birth "family" anymore. My brother and I are 11 years apart and have not lived in the same city since 1979. We get along when we are together, but we just don't communicate that often. I often wonder if when my dad goes, if he will even call me anymore. He lives in the same city as my younger son, but doesn't even see him that often.
I don't think I was ever "Daddy's little girl," though. Maybe when I was very small and he used to take me out every Saturday, into the city when he got a haircut, did some business, and we went to lunch. I was angry at him for years for moving me away from my home when i was 15. In fact, we barely spoke for a year. Of course, I am over that, but I feel much more connected to my husband and kids.

[badger]

yeah, my dad turned 70 a month before he died, so 70's pretty darn young to go these days.

Crankin: as I've said in my earlier post, everyone deals with grief differently. Some grieve for a short time and move on, others take an inordinately long time. There's no way to grieve, they're as individual as the person who experience them.

One of the things that frightened me was that while I was an emotional wreck immediately after my father's death, I felt immensely guilty in thinking that I was devastated over my dog's death. Surely my father must mean more than my dog!?

I'm learning that's not the case, and that my father's death has/is affecting me in ways I didn't imagine, but with my dog, it was the first time I felt such a loss. He was very high maintenance and had plenty of health issues and I sometimes felt overwhelmed caring for him. I had a lot of issues of guilt over his death, how I felt I didn't treat him the best I could.

Whereas with my dad, he had his condition for 4 years so we all made extra efforts to see him as much as we can, and for that I don't have any regrets or guilt.

It's really just day to day and it's a work in progress. Some days I'm fine (like today), and others I'm not (like when I first posted this thread).

[ladyicon]

Badger. Even though you may feel this way you are not alone. My mom died in March and still I feel down. All you can do is say, it is what it is, and keep on living. I too have guilt feelings with not seeing my mom or dad enough. My thoughts and prayers are with you.....

[AnnieBikes]

Thank you all so much for all the comments and stories. I can definitely say that there was some good in the death. I got to spend a whole week with my four brothers and my three sons, as well as my mom, all of whom came to Maryland for the funeral. It was a time of stories, tears, laughter, and time together. That would never have happened otherwise. Thanks, Dad! We say that weddings and funerals are the things that get whole families together. Hey, boys, how 'bout a wedding!!!

[emily_in_nc]

Thank you all so much for all the comments and stories. I can definitely say that there was some good in the death. I got to spend a whole week with my four brothers and my three sons, as well as my mom, all of whom came to Maryland for the funeral. It was a time of stories, tears, laughter, and time together. That would never have happened otherwise. Thanks, Dad! We say that weddings and funerals are the things that get whole families together. Hey, boys, how 'bout a wedding!!!

Such a good point. The only silver lining in my father's death was how close it brought our family, and all the memories, stories, tears, and even laughs we all shared for a time. Five years later, we're pretty much back to the way we were before he died, but for awhile there, it was really nice to be closer, since we were all united in our loss and grief.