Dear So and So

[OakLeaf]

Sometimes when you get that much snow there's no way to remove it without damaging surrounding stuff, unless you hire a backhoe, a dump truck and a place to dump it... and give the hoe operator a GPS plot of everything that's under the snow. The time we had to hire a backhoe because plows couldn't handle our lane, they damaged the stairs to our garage deck. I doubt they even knew there was anything under all that snow. It'd be no different if you lived on a public road served by government plows...



... and if you read about some of the undisclosed chemicals that they use to treat fabrics, you'd wash them before wearing regardless of how they smell ...

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Sometimes when you get that much snow there's no way to remove it without damaging surrounding stuff, unless you hire a backhoe, a dump truck and a place to dump it... and give the hoe operator a GPS plot of everything that's under the snow. The time we had to hire a backhoe because plows couldn't handle our lane, they damaged the stairs to our garage deck. I doubt they even knew there was anything under all that snow. It'd be no different if you lived on a public road served by government plows...

Your situation is very different from mine. I do live on a public road (county highway) and the 'govt plows' never use my lawn for dumping or damage my trees. Her driveway is clearly laid out and straight, it's been plowed for years with no problems- no backhoes or dump trucks needed. He chose to create a big new parking area for her on our lawn by bizarrely pushing all her driveway snow over onto our property, smashing it right into our 10 foot tall planted spruce trees that have nothing else anywhere around them (like seriously, who does that??). There is plenty of very obvious space on her property and along her two driveways for all the piles of snow you could ever possibly come up with. Sorry, but the plow guy is an idiot.
Update: My husband and I dug our trees out by hand yesterday, removing the solid packed 4 foot mounds of heavy wet snow, clearing broken branches out and unbending the branches that were doubled in on themselves but not yet snapped. We then bought some neon orange plastic snow fence and stakes and set up a marking fence along the property line so the plow guy wouldn't just do it all over again. There's no one at the house to talk to since the one inhabitant is spending her winter in her home in Florida and doesn't give out her number. So we solved the problem by putting up the temporary snow fence, but that doesn't make it any less upsetting about our trees having now been maimed. Or maybe I'm being unreasonable for not wanting my beautiful planted evergreen trees badly damaged for no good reason.

... and if you read about some of the undisclosed chemicals that they use to treat fabrics, you'd wash them before wearing regardless of how they smell ...

Actually, I wouldn't, and I especially never do with wool. I do know about fabric treatments, but thank you. I like to wash my good wool as little as possible, and I would like to have that choice when I buy something new. Second hand clothing is different of course, and I don't mind washing that first if it's needed. Got several great contra-dancing skirts last month at Goodwill for like $4.99 each- didn't need to wash them though, they didn't smell nasty.
Call me crazy, but I still prefer to not have someone else's heavy perfume saturating the new clothes i buy.

Am I being selfish and trivial and should I not be posting here in this Dear So and So thread? I know my complaints are not 'earth-shatteringly' important in the grand scheme of things, but they seem completely in keeping with many other people's posts in this thread. Can someone please enlighten me if mine don't belong here?- seriously, I'd like to know!

[mudmucker]

Am I being selfish and trivial and should I not be posting here in this Dear So and So thread? I know my complaints are not 'earth-shatteringly' important in the grand scheme of things, but they seem completely in keeping with many other people's posts in this thread. Can someone please enlighten me if mine don't belong here?- seriously, I'd like to know!

IMO, complain all you want. Everyone else does, trivial or not. You are in keeping with this thread. Sometimes people have a bad day. Sometimes people have really trying times and it's very hard to get pull a good mindframe out of that no matter how much there appears be thankful for. Sometimes on some days people take posts close to heart and are offended, hostile or not, or misinterpreted. I don't need to lecture on life lessons...it's a rhetorical question.

[kmehrzad]

And sometimes it just helps to get things 'off your chest' and vent, as in journaling.

[limewave]

Dear co-worker,

Please stop sending me emails trying to prove that you did your job. The fact is that you did it half-ssed. The project was late, incomplete, and riddled with undeniable errors. In effect causing me to spend twice as much time on my end of the project correcting all of your mistakes. Again.

The first year we worked on this project, I was patient and tried working with you to guide you through the steps. The second time, I could understand a few mishaps. But this is the fifth year on this project. There is no more excuse other than your incompetency.

When I have to work with you I can't help but think that the unemployment isn't near high enough yet.

I have no more time to spend today to listen to your excuses. I have work to do. You remember what that is????

Limewave

p.s. Work Ethic. Google it. It's in wikipedia. I know you understand that.

[snapdragen]

Can someone please enlighten me if mine don't belong here?- seriously, I'd like to know!

Your complaints are just as valid as anyone else's on this forum.

//and I agree with you on the stinky perfume...

[OakLeaf]

I didn't mean to suggest your complaints (or anyone's) weren't valid - just sharing my POV. Sorry.

[bcipam]

Long time reader...first time poster...

Want another woman's perspective...

First know I am estranged from my family. I mean, I sortof keep in touch but not much. It's been years since I visited my folks or siblings. My youngest sister and I used to be very close, almost best friends. Trying to make a long story short... after a very bad and sad event, I discovered my sister is a weak willed, weak minded person whose life has been filled with poor choices and bad decisions. If we weren't family, I would have nothing at all to do with her.

My parents are both alive and doing fairly well. My dad, age 90, has Alzheimer's but physically is well. My mother, age 83, is as sharp as a tack but recently has been going through some tests because of physical complaints (doctors have suggested polymyositis; it sounds to me like scleroderma).

Anyway, my sister called me yesterday at work. She called 10 times but left no message. When I could, I called her back. She says to me "[Our brother] has cancer; it's in his liver, kidneys, spleen and other places. We all need to pray for him!" My response "OK" but I said nothing else. My sister then got mad at me and I finally asked "what's really going on?" She responded "[brother] and mom have cancer and dad is losing his mind; my world is crashing in on me!!!"

It took me awhile to think about what she said "Her world?" If my brother has cancer, what about his world? He's the one who should be worried and upset. I responded "You need to calm down; stop getting so upset about these things. You aren't help to anyone when you get so emotional". This caused her to break down more and cry and I responded by "get counseling; I'll call mom".

After calling my mom, I found out of course she does not have cancer. My dad has been DX'd with Alzheimer for over 15 years so that is no surprise. My brother was been discovered to have cancer and is most likely late stage, so that's sad but "boo-hooing" about it now won't be a help to him in the long run. He needs to know there are people he can talk to and rely on.

Like I said, estranged from the family but I am there to help my folk when they need it. The brother and sisters, really long story; just know I am not close. I have been speaking with the other sister and she is level headed like me and will step in to ask the right questions and help out the family (since I am in California and they in Mississippi).

OK I know I am complaing about stuff to but frankly I am at a lost as how to connect with the one sister who has "crisis" and "DRAMA!" in her life by her own doing (or if I should bother). She really has a wonderful life - 3 great kids, a good job, a lovely home in a lovely place and a loving man. But the drama, and crying and whining and complaining... good grief! Like get over it!

Appreciate your insight or own stories about family.

[limewave]

Your complaints are just as valid as anyone else's on this forum.

//and I agree with you on the stinky perfume...

My thoughts about posting in this thread:
When I know I'm overreacting for the situation but for some reason I just can't seem to let it go . . . I can type my complaint and ranting and raving in here instead of directing it at the person. Then its out and done. So, yes, I'm complaining. Is it valid, sometimes, sometimes not.

bcipam--Sorry to hear about your situation! No advice to offer, just sending hugs your way.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Hi BCIpam,
I'm sorry about your sad family situation, it must be very upsetting.
The only thing I can offer is my own perspective-

We are all different and we all react to crisis and loss in different ways. you sound like a strong and independent person. Your sister is obviously more prone to emotional responses.
Even though it may be true that she is not helping your brother by crying or getting emotional, maybe it helps her to deal with it in some way. Perhaps she's always been used to unloading her troubles onto her mother, brother, or father, and now finds that she can no longer do that because they are are ill. She feels the slow loss of them in her life.
I'm sure she feels bad for them and may feel helpless to 'fix' the situation, but all this must surely contribute to her also feeling that her world is crashing down around her.
I know that during the times of my life when someone dear to me has died, yes I'm feeling helpless to make them better, trying to comfort them, and maybe angry at the world that they have to suffer or die....but I think it's only human to also feel a bit of sorrow for our own pain- to feel that we too need a little sympathy and comfort to ease our own despair.

Tears, anger, and outbursts can be a form of self medication in times of crisis and grief. Sometimes it can be very hard to control it precisely. Not all of us might need such emotional 'letting loose', but for some people it is an important release and actually helps them better deal with or confront what it happening. Others may not need this at all. But no matter which type of person we are, we can't really expect others to react the same way as we do to sickness, death, and crisis. Just as it would be useless for her to say to you "What's the matter with you?- have you no feelings at all?", it is also useless for you to say to her "Stop your sobbing and get over it, you're not helping anyone by crying".

I think in extreme situations, it sometimes helps to view the other person as if they were a stranger in pain. Often it is easier to be kinder to strangers than to people or family we have unfortunate 'histories' with!
When in such difficult and painful situations, I keep saying to myself that All this will pass, that everything changes over time. And sure enough, it does.

I hope you find a good way to get through it all.

[Crankin]

BCIPam, I am just like you. While I can be caring and empathetic in my job as a therapist, I have estranged relationships with most of my family, outside of my dad, brother, and of course, my own kids and DH. I can't deal with their grudges, racism, and negative attitudes to just about everything. My aunt is still grieving the death of her husband after almost 25 years.
When my mom died, I am sure people thought I was very "unfeeling." She was sick with a degenerative liver disease and went downhill quickly after an unsuccessful transplant. It got to the point that my mom didn't even tell her own sister (my aunt mentioned above) what was going on, because she couldn't stand the drama, either. Thankfully, for my mom, my aunt is here and my parents live in San Diego. So, what did I do? I went to visit my mom twice while she was dying and we had fun. I took my kids one of the times. And I prepared myself. The funeral was here, as my parents had bought burial plots years ago, when I was a kid. I took care of everything. I didn't cry or break down once. I remember feeling a little numb in the grocery store right after I got the news, but I decided I wanted to act the way my mom would have acted in the same situation. And, I wanted to remember my mom the way she was for most of her life, not dwelling on the illness or the last 5 years.
I didn't fall apart and I didn't have any "side effects" from this. My DH and kids were very solicitous of me, as were my co-workers, but my pragmatic attitude is just the way I have always dealt with hard things. It doesn't mean other people will approach things the same way, but it is hard sometimes for other people to understand my attitude. It's the same thing with my son who is in the marines; people always ask if I am worried about him. I always say no, because it just wouldn't be productive for me or him. It's his job. He chose it. He is not afraid of death. If I had been "worried" for the last 7.5 years, my own mental health would have suffered. I've sort of prepared myself mentally, if it does happen. He wouldn't want me to go off of the deep end, any more than my mom would have.

[SadieKate]

There's no one at the house to talk to since the one inhabitant is spending her winter in her home in Florida and doesn't give out her number. So we solved the problem by putting up the temporary snow fence, but that doesn't make it any less upsetting about our trees having now been maimed. Or maybe I'm being unreasonable for not wanting my beautiful planted evergreen trees badly damaged for no good reason.

If it happens again what about writing her since she probably has her mail forwarded? Include a copy of the city ordinance about where snow can be dumped. For instance, snow cannot be shoveled into the streets or alleys here (much to the consternation of our neighbors who think it is fine to create gigantic ice ridges that block everyone in their driveways). She is responsible for damage to your property caused by her contractors, and I'd think if she is a good neighbor at all she'd want to know sooner rather than later.

And, I'm with you on the wool garments. If I've bought a sweater that still has the lanolin in it, why would I wash it right away? Complain away. I'd like to outlaw candle and potpourri shops from all indoor malls.

[indysteel]

Pam, I'm sorry about what you're going through.

I'm estranged from my alcoholic brother and borderline personality/alcoholic sister. Even when they were sober, they were both incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't miss them. At all.

That said, I tend to agree with Lisa in that you might try to react to your sister with some degree of compassion--at least with the current situation. Your brother's situation IS sad.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? I have. The day I decided to disassociate from my sister, I made an appointment and have been seeing her for about seven years now. A good therapist will help you figure out the right boundaries to draw and how to draw and enforce them. Ideally, over time, you feel more secure and are better able to deal with the difficult people in your life, often from a more emphathetic place.

Short of therapy, read The Dance of Anger. It's one of the few self help books I recommend.

[Eden]

OK not the end of the world, or earth shattering or even meaningful in the larger scheme of the world, but I still feel like ranting....

Dear retailer.... I don't buy myself nice new stuff all that often, especially not wearables.... when I decided I wanted a nice pair of boots I really had made my mind up....

So I find out pretty quick that very few people make small boots... The ones I wanted in the first place don't go smaller than a 6 and its a big 6.... Search and search, so I've had a hard enough time even find a pair small enough and I was sooooo thankful when I finally found yours - they fit and they are just what I wanted, but there's where it all goes downhill.... You had a pair in my size, but you couldn't find the right one only a box with the lone left boot... right boot no where to be found in the whole shop.... but I can order them online! I'm down with that.

Ordered online. *3 days* later you just cancel my order - out of stock - no sorry, no we'll back order them, nothing but your order is cancelled - ARG! Scurry down to the store to *beg* the sales folks to search for the mate. Told that its not there anymore. It must have been sold - too bad, so sad there just aren't any more, no we can't check anywhere else (UK web store had stock), they are different than the retail stores, go away.... Now I'm getting mad.... I HAD IT IN MY HAND and you managed to find the match and sell it to someone else over the last 3 days....

Look all over for something similar - nothing.... nothing that fits, nothing black... Back home - get onto the UK web site, recheck and find that they will ship to the USA - there's still stock listed there - order boots! If you snatch these boots away from me one more time - I'm going to have a melt down - as stupid as it is, this is really, really frustrating...

(though the funny thing is the further away I go the cheaper they get.... $250+ tax at the local retail store, $250 no tax/shipping on the web, $225 no tax/shipping from UK web store favorable exchange rate?)

[PamNY]

bcipam, I am sorry to hear of your family situation.

I'd suggest taking responsibility for your own reactions rather than trying to control or dictate other people's behavior. Tell your sister that you can't deal with people when they are upset, and ask if she could call you back later. Normally I would suggest reassuring her that you love her and value your relationship with her, but it sounds like that isn't true in your case. However you could tell her that emotional displays aren't your style, and reassure her that you will help your parents and brother in other ways.

If you don't want to participate in drama, don't participate in drama. When you start reacting and issuing directives about how people should behave, you are diving right in.

I admit that as an only child I am mystified by the extent to which siblings want to control each others' behavior (I exclude serious matters such as crime, substance abuse, child abuse, etc).

However, my father was one of eleven children, and the sort of thing you describe was what pretty much what they viewed as normal. As far as I could see, it did no good and caused a great deal of harm.

My comments are based on how I dealt with them and their endless squabbling and not on sibling relationships of my own. I can't claim any brilliant result but at least I maintained a sort of integrity, and it was fun to confuse them.

I wish you the best in dealing with your family's situation, which sounds challenging indeed. I also think Lisa's advice is very good.