broken heart how long?

[ginny]

Hi girls... I don't know why it's easier to ask invisible computer cycling people these questions, but alas, maybe it's the antisocial scientist in me...
Nearly a year ago, my husband of seven years broke my heart and told me he wanted a divorce. He didn't give an excuse other than he didn't want to have to hang out with me when he would rather be kayaking or mtn biking after he came home from traveling for his job. I guess I have never had my heart broken before. I was a basket case (still kind of am...). After he delivered the news, he proceeded to live at our house until I made him sign the quit claim and got the mortgage in my name and started charging him rent... it took about 3 months after that for him to finally move out. It was probably the worst time of my life. I asked the doctor for drugs (for depression - she told me to self medicate by running).

Anyway, as a symbolic gesture of my moving on, I put a profile on match.com. I wasn't interested in 'meeting' anyone, I just wanted to say, "hey, I'm moving on and it's okay to see someone else". I went on a bunch of lousy first dates.... and then.... in Novemeber or December a *promising* sort of boy started emailing me. He knows the whole situation. We have been dating since late January (yes, for the conservatives out there, the divorce is final). All seems fine... he wants me to move to the town he lives in (it's close, but would require a new job and a move). He has a good job there; though he was willing to relocate here until he got that job. I have a horse, a donkey, an old dog, and I am a biochemist (not the easiest job to find in some random city). The barns up there are okay, but nowhere near the ideal situation now (they live at home with a barn, paddock, pasture, and my dog and I can go whenever we like). I live in a little log house in the woods with spectacular views. Mu dog seems to have a brain tumor and he has seizures from time to time. Right now we have carpet which is good for a dog that flops on the ground from time to time, and the new boy has hard wood floors. Moreover, the dog has lived where I am for six years. He has a dog door and comes and goes as he pleases and whiles the days away on the porch. The new boy lives in a Beaver Cleaver 1950s tract house with all his stuff in it and no room for my stuff. I have had an interview for a job that pays better than the one I have now, but would be WAY boring (analytical work rather than research).

Then, today I saw the ex to pick up some files that somehow ended up with him... and I have been a mess all day. Am I still in love with him? Am I mourning the loss of what I thought was super good? Why can't I get over this? What should I do about the move? If I was to be perfectly honest, other than the new boy, I wouldn't want to move to that other city. I have always made my personal life a priority over my career (that didn't work out so well for me last time), and now I'm scared out of my mind to make this sort of leap. I will keep my house (we plan to lease it out as a vacation home - anyone have any ideas about how to do this, I'm all ears), and I know enough people at the university here that I could probably come back...

insight, something to make me laugh, opinions, would all be welcome... thanks!

[kat_h]

I'm not good for advice but I'd like to offer some general encouragement.

You don't mention how far away the new city is. My mom and her husband live about 100 km apart and that has worked for them for 15 years. Don't rush into moving if you're not sure you want to.

[Skierchickie]

I'm so sorry for the rough time you've had, things like that can never be easy. I could be totally off base, but it doesn't really sound like you are ready. A relationship is one thing, but leaving a whole lot of things you love for a pretty new relationship is another. If it is right, I like to believe that it doesn't require that much thought, or giving up that much. It just generally sounds to me like you have a pretty long list of reasons to stay, at least for now. Besides the fact that you may not be completely over the ex yet (some things need to be worked through for a long time before really moving on).

Why not give it some time? Let things fall into place? Things may seem clearer, or push you one way or another naturally. This is all coming from somebody with no sense of adventure, though - I'm a regular stick in the mud.

I hope things work out well for you, whatever you decide!

[Ninabike]

I'm no expert either, but it sounds like you feel you have some urgency about making some sort of move to get on with your life. At the same time, you want to hang onto what is familiar and is also very important to your life - your job, your animals, etc. If I were you, I think I would give it a little more time. Think about just you, and what you are really about and what matters to you. There is plenty of time to get involved in other relationships and not have to give up what matters to you. Again, I am no expert but this is just MHO

[redrhodie]

You list a lot of cons to moving, and no pros. Based on that, I say don't move. You seem to love your little log cabin.

The new guy is *promising*, but is it that butterflies in your stomache, can't wait to see him, think about him every minute you're apart feeling? If it is that, maybe look for a new place together. Start fresh on a place you both can agree on.

As far as I can tell, the only thing that mends a broken heart quickly is new love. Other than that, time is your friend.

[mimitabby]

so you saw the ex and now you feel bad. You probably do have feelings, not to mention the disappointment of your marriage going south. you'll get through this too.

I hear you blaming your dog's infirmities on why you don't want to move, but i'll bet it's more than just that. You don't say how far the new BF is from where you live. I agree with kat. what's the rush? stay where you are!

[sbctwin]

I have had a similar experience. My ex thought that he could move his girlfriend into our home and they would live in the basement until our divorce and was angry with me when I kicked him out of the house when he said he wanted a divorce. I didn't keep the house, but stayed in it until I found a nice place to move to. I was in horrible emotional pain for a long time and was in counseling for over a year. My self-esteem was at its lowest for a long time.

I would give yourself more time. How long ago was the divorce final. I always heard you need to give yourself at least a year (more like 3 for me)before making any other type of radical changes in your life. Did you every read "The 5 stages of Grief" by I believe Kubler-Ross. A divorce does follow these steps (I wish I could remember them now, but it has been 20 years since my divorce).

More money in a job doesn't mean anything if you aren't happy with what you are doing. Your current living situation sounds so ideal, I would find it difficult to give it up.

If this new relationship is 'right', it will be there in six months or more until you feel sure you are ready to move on.

[cyclinnewbie]

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like maybe you're trying to talk yourself out of moving.

For me, I just KNOW when things are right, and when they're not. My mom always taught me to go with my gut, so I guess that's what I would recommend to you. If you're not totally sold, maybe it's not the best thing for you to do right now. If he's worth his salt, he will understand.

As far as the ex goes....divorce is like a death. Mourning a divorce is like mourning a death, except you get to see the person from time to time, which makes it even harder, I think. I've got NO pearls for wisdom for ya on that one.

Listen to your gut, and you will do the right thing. Remember that YOU have to do what's right for YOU.

[imdeanna]

Loss (regardless of type/circumstance) can take a lot of time to come to peace with.....

If you re-read your post....you gave a lot of reasons why you shouldn't move and very little reasons why you should. I think you already know that you are not ready to make the 'move' at this time.....

Personally I think your ex sounds like a very selfish person.....and you are in love with the 'him' that you wished he was, and are forgetting the 'him' that he really is..... did he treat you well while you were together? did he spend the time with you that you would like in a relationship?

Also, just because he was not 'the one' for you, doesn't mean you have to feel hatred toward him....so don't confuse 'caring' for him as a person as still being 'in love' with him.

[Zen]

Whoa.
Slow down there.
I don't know how old you are but my best advice is to take this time to get to know yourself and realize how strong you really are. You may find you enjoy being unencumbered.

As for this "boy", well...it's just not the right time.

[malkin]

Hi girls... I don't know why it's easier to ask invisible computer cycling people these questions, but alas, maybe it's the antisocial scientist in me...

It's easier for me too. Talking in person to people who care about me, can reduce me instantly to a pool of tears. Somehow writing it down makes the issue distant enough to look at it even if I'm still wallowing in it.

Nearly a year ago, my husband of seven years broke my heart and told me he wanted a divorce.

How cliche. Seven year itch.

I guess I have never had my heart broken before. I was a basket case (still kind of am...).

Alas.

After he delivered the news, he proceeded to live at our house until I made him sign the quit claim and got the mortgage in my name and started charging him rent... it took about 3 months after that for him to finally move out. It was probably the worst time of my life.

I can only imagine how awful this could be. When my soon to be ex proposed a similar situation, I went on tour to stay with friends and family for a couple months.

I asked the doctor for drugs (for depression - she told me to self medicate by running).

Exercise is good, but not when what you need is pharmaceutical support. You can nag your doctor; you can find a new doctor.

Anyway, as a symbolic gesture of my moving on, I put a profile on match.com. I wasn't interested in 'meeting' anyone, I just wanted to say, "hey, I'm moving on and it's okay to see someone else". I went on a bunch of lousy first dates.... and then.... in Novemeber or December a *promising* sort of boy started emailing me. He knows the whole situation. We have been dating since late January (yes, for the conservatives out there, the divorce is final).

Good for you!!!

All seems fine... he wants me to move to the town he lives in (it's close, but would require a new job and a move).).

This bit has me scratching my head and wondering why he wants you to move.

He has a good job there; though he was willing to relocate here until he got that job.

He can't possibly know how good his job is until he's had it for at least a year!!

I have a horse, a donkey, an old dog, and I am a biochemist (not the easiest job to find in some random city). The barns up there are okay, but nowhere near the ideal situation now (they live at home with a barn, paddock, pasture, and my dog and I can go whenever we like). I live in a little log house in the woods with spectacular views. Mu dog seems to have a brain tumor and he has seizures from time to time. Right now we have carpet which is good for a dog that flops on the ground from time to time, and the new boy has hard wood floors. Moreover, the dog has lived where I am for six years. He has a dog door and comes and goes as he pleases and whiles the days away on the porch.

When I read this section, (after I get over my jealousy) it sounds like you like your living situation, home, work, and critters or maybe you even love it.

The new boy lives in a Beaver Cleaver 1950s tract house with all his stuff in it and no room for my stuff. I have had an interview for a job that pays better than the one I have now, but would be WAY boring (analytical work rather than research).

When I read this section, um, well, it doesn't sound so much like this situation is what you are hoping for.

Then, today I saw the ex to pick up some files that somehow ended up with him... and I have been a mess all day.

After a year? Although I'd never hold myself up as a picture of mental health, I can still be a mess anytime my ex does anything remotely civil and we've been divorced for about 17 years!

Am I still in love with him?

Yes, no, maybe so; it doesn't matter, and it is unlikely that you can figure it out anyway.

Am I mourning the loss of what I thought was super good?

Maybe.

Why can't I get over this?

You can; you will. Just not yet.

What should I do about the move? If I was to be perfectly honest, other than the new boy, I wouldn't want to move to that other city.

You started to answer your own question here, all that's left is to figure out if the boy is a fair trade for your current situation.

I have always made my personal life a priority over my career (that didn't work out so well for me last time), and now I'm scared out of my mind to make this sort of leap. .

Of course you're scared! It's scary!

I will keep my house (we plan to lease it out as a vacation home - anyone have any ideas about how to do this, I'm all ears), and I know enough people at the university here that I could probably come back....

Not irreversable. Good perspective.

insight, something to make me laugh, opinions, would all be welcome... thanks!

OK, something to make you laugh: Think of rehearsing scenes from Twelfth Night with 6th and 7th grade boys with autism.

[teigyr]

Ginny, your ex-husband sounds very selfish and kind of mentally abusive. It sounds like you went through a rough time.

I agree with everyone else. When it's time, you will know it.

After my divorce, I went out with people (some more seriously than others) and there were situations where I thought it was "it". For some reason, I couldn't make the decision to go further and I'd blame it on so many things. I lived in a horrible house yet I didn't want to move...I couldn't uproot my old blind cat (seriously!), etc. After more time went by, I realized it was me and the other person wasn't right for me. Honestly, the idea of commitment didn't bother me but the idea of losing what was "mine" gave me hives. After several years of dating and finding people I liked but couldn't commit fully to, I met DH. After several months, I realized that giving up my house and combining our lives was a good thing.

As far as a broken heart goes, yeah. I had that but I also had some deep-seated anger, some fears and insecurities, and all sorts of other things that a failed marriage can bring on.

Give it time. Your ex-dh and the new boy are two different issues but you do need to be over your ex-dh. Then, you have to meet the RIGHT person New bf might be right but don't rush it. Unfortunately for new-bf, he might just be part of your healing process and you have yet to meet the right person.

As far as how long it takes to get over it goes, I've seen people who reconciled their hurt early on and can go back into relationships quickly. I think though if a divorce came suddenly and without warning (ie you weren't in control), it'll take a bit longer to go through the grieving process.

Good luck

I'm jealous of your donkey! I grew up with one when I was younger. He used to chase cars

[bluebug32]

I've been in a long distance relationship (4+ hrs. apart) for nearly 5 years. It can work and, while it can be trying at times, it can really hash out if the relationship is going somewhere or not and how committed the other person is.

Realize that it's hard to let go of things. You may be longing for the idea of living with someone like you did for 7 years, more than you're longing to be with that person again.

[DDH]

I may have missed something when I read your post, but how long have the new bf and you been together?
Okay, I just went down and re-read your post. The two of you have only known each other for approx. 6 months. You also didn't say that you were in love with this new boy. You called him a nice boy that came into your life but I didn't see any mention of love for him.

Logically speaking, I dont' think I would change my life for someone I hadn't known any longer than this or someone I didn't or couldn't say I was in love with.

I think like the other girls, that by your own post, you have talked yourself out of it by mentioning all the cons and no pros.

As far as your x is concerned, no one says there is a time limit on how long it takes to get over a divorce. Give yourself the time you need and take this time to get to know the new you without your x.

[Melalvai]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said, but wanted to contribute my support. I too feel better after sharing such things on here, and lots better after reading all the supportive comments validating that things really are kind of sucky. We're not antisocial, we're differently social!

To make you laugh, um, PhD Comics? It takes about 6 hours to read the archives from 1997 to current. I don't know what your career track is but if you're a university scientist you will relate. (And possibly you are one of many who have told me recently to go read them. Which I do religiously.)