Subject: The United States of England You Go Cleese!

[SadieKate]

(Comment from SK: this was sent to me by my friend Marty. Authenticity unverified.)

Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save Th e Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut,fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and E uropean brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

[tulip]

The problem is that Tony Blair would probably appoint his best buddy Shrub to the governor's post!

[Bikingmomof3]

Brilliant!

[Lise]

The problem is that Tony Blair would probably appoint his best buddy Shrub to the governor's post!

ARGH! The we'd be back in the same boat, and without benefit of conversion tables!

[SadieKate]

But we'd have our vegetable peelers.

[mimitabby]

But we'd have our vegetable peelers.

and we know how to use them!

[maillotpois]

Love, love him.


I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

[Tri Girl]

Dang- I would gladly give up our customary units of measure for the metric system any day, but it'll be a cold day in h*ll before I start putting u's in words where they don't belong.

That was wonderful- thanks for sharing!!!!

[Kano]

Dang- I would gladly give up our customary units of measure for the metric system any day, but it'll be a cold day in h*ll before I start putting u's in words where they don't belong.

That was wonderful- thanks for sharing!!!!

Hmmm, shall we attempt adding the letter U?

"Daung, I would glaudly giuve up our custoumaury uniuts of meausure four the metriuc systeum any dauy, but it'll be a could dauy in heull befoure I staurt putting U's in wourds wheure theuy doun't beloung!"

Hmmm, I thiunk I liuke it!

And kilos -- liuke lousing haulf our weiught in an instaunt! (If ounly our clouthing sise would chaunge as quickly!)

The letter U -- a silly thing. I say we feed it to Cookie Monster!

Karen in Boise (who should take a nap, post-haste!)

[Trekhawk]

Dang- I would gladly give up our customary units of measure for the metric system any day, but it'll be a cold day in h*ll before I start putting u's in words where they don't belong.

That was wonderful- thanks for sharing!!!!

LOL - but they do belong there dear.

Hee Hee I remember the first time someone here in the States said sorry dear I cant really understand you your not speaking American English. What the ?????

Thanks for the giggle.

[Lise]

But we'd have our vegetable peelers.

aaaaaannndddd....the SOFT PILLOWS! With all the stuffing in ONE CORNER! POKE! POKE!

wait a minute...*I* work all night and I sleep all day! Does this make me a lumberjack?

[chickwhorips]

i'm all about the metric system. so much easier to understand.

can we still have chocolate? its great stuff over there in england. maybe shipping wouldn't be as bad.

[Trek420]

tulip "The problem is that Tony Blair would probably appoint his best buddy Shrub to the governor's post!"

"What where you expecting, the Spanish Inquisition?
Noooobody expect the Spanish Inquisition
Our chief weapons are fear, and suprise
Our TWO chief weapons are ....
Amoung our various weaponry ...."

[Cassandra_Cain]

I think Blair is sadly, just a lap dog for bush...

but...

I'm all for permits for peelers!

Down with crisps!

More chips, real chips!

End "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,"!

Football! Damn I hate explaining to people again and again, that football is a world's game for like 3 billion people, not that stuff that's played on sunday's in america.

Please, pretty please bring us metric units! Not only would it make actual sense, but then I'd feel like I'm going faster on a bike - never again in single digit speeds!

[snapdragen]

I love proper chips with vinegar! God Save the Queen!


I'm a lumberjack...............