mother daughter relationships

[badger]

I'm in the camp of not having a great relationship with my mother. I just find her draining with all her negative opinions about and towards me. Everything is bad, miserable, and boring. She finds fault in everything and everyone and has nothing positive to contribute.

I went from a high to a low in warp speed yesterday when I went to run an errand for her after picking up my new car. Against my better judgement I told her I got a new car (new to me, it's 3 years old) and she had absolutely nothing nice to say about it. I know it shouldn't matter what she thinks, but this was a big deal for me to be getting this car (I researched a lot and settled on a Jetta diesel) and it really just put everything into a tailspin. Is it really a boring looking car? do I look like I'm driving a old person car? There's nothing I can do, it's all done and dusted, so why should she go and dash my enthusiasm like that?

And there's no sense in talking to her, I've never been able to. Stuck between two cultures and two languages, I can't seem to have any meaningful conversations with her because of these limitations.

I will admit that she's gotten a lot worse after my dad died. He seems to have tempered her somewhat, but now that he's gone all she does is just dwell on how much she hates Canada. I do wish she'll go back to Japan permanently; when she was gone for 3 months I felt so free.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[indysteel]

(((Badger))). I know all too well how hard it is to have a mother who isn't the mother you need, want or deserve. The best advice I can give you is to accept that her negativity is all about her and has nothing to do with you. Try not to internalize it.

Congrats on your car! My husband works for a diesel engine manufacturer and he gives you a thumbs up for choosing that Jetta!

[Crankin]

Around here, a Jetta is considered a cool car.
You can't let another person's opinion affect your thoughts and feelings about yourself. Realize that she may be acting exactly the way she was culturally conditioned to be. It's pretty hard to change that, unless you make a conscious deliberate effort to. Set your boundaries so you only interact with her when *you* want to. She's probably not going to change... I know it sounds mean, but your own mental health is at stake. If it wasn't your mother, I'd say don't see her. Of course, that is an option, but most people don't want to do that.
This isn't just my professional advice. It's personal, too. I've cut ties with all my negative relatives. Not my parents, who are blessedly level headed, but the ones who live near me and expect me to be exactly like them.
That's never going to happen!

[Blueberry]

Badger-

I've ranted plenty about my various family members here - I understand, really I do! There are times I reserve for me - and won't let my mother intrude. Happy occasions, when I want to savor something. Sometimes I have to be really defensive about not letting her intrude.

Congrats on the car - I have a 2011 Sportwagen and love it! I'm early-mid 30's, and don't think it's an old person's car *at all* (and so what if it is, I LOVE it). Great on fuel, comfortable, fun, hauls bikes well. What's not to love?

[limewave]

(((Badger))). I know all too well how hard it is to have a mother who isn't the mother you need, want or deserve. The best advice I can give you is to accept that her negativity is all about her and has nothing to do with you. Try not to internalize it.

Congrats on your car! My husband works for a diesel engine manufacturer and he gives you a thumbs up for choosing that Jetta!

I agree with Indy, it has to do with your mother's issues. It's so hard to be around people like that and, being your mother, its not like you can distance that relationship. Boundaries was a great book for me, really helped me develop healthy relationships with my own mother and others. May be worth checking out . . . He also wrote a few other books on the same topic: Safe People and Necessary Endings.

[Red Rock]

Badger, I hope things work out for the best for both of you. Sorry I can't really add anything more. Congrats on your car though.

I am minus my mother since I was 25 or so. So I miss all of the times that we could have been together to enjoy "girl" things. Not at my wedding...and other things that happen in your life. I have had my Dad for that. I have had to struggle with what I can tell him and what I can't because I'm a woman and he won't understand. I could talk to my mom about everything. For those of you who do have a mom, appreciate what she does for you, if you can handle (deal) with it.

Red Rock

[Crankin]

I often feel like that, Red Rock. My mom died in 1996. Of course, she was cool, in the same way I hope my sons say I am cool. We had our moments, but nothing more than the usual. She missed my sons' graduations, marriages, our houses in Boxborough and Concord, and all of our cycling stuff. The best thing she told me was that to make sure DH and I had a hobby we could do together. This was about 2 years before DH started riding and about 4 years before I did. At the time, my kids were in middle school and quickly becoming independent. How true those words were.
On the other hand, if my mom was like her sister (the relative I have cut all ties with), I wouldn't have hesitated to keep those boundaries firm.

[grey]

I'm in the camp with a difficult mother. She was physically, verbally, emotionally abusive toward me growing up. It wasn't until I met DH I learned what a mother is - I have the BEST mother in law possible. For all the cutting remarks I get from my mother, my MIL is my cheerleader and friend. I can confide in her, ask advice, spend a pleasant afternoon together. Were I to confide in my mother, it would be turned against me in the worst possible way, probably announced to family. If I were to ask her advice, I would be ridiculed or picked apart, or even snapped at for asking.

Right now, I am still recovering from a 5 day visit with the parents. Still picking myself back up, finding my self esteem and my drive, and let go of the barbs that were sunk in while they were here. Badger, I know how hard it is. Nothing is ever good enough. You will never make her happy - and something DH has tried and tried to teach me is, it doesn't matter. What matters is if you are happy, and feel you are successful. Not her.

[hebe]

I couldn't read and not post. I find sometimes that I have to "tune out" of my mother's negativity, but it's a hard effort and can leave me exhausted. I try to deflect attention to more neutral topics such as knitting or gardening. The only time I saw her lost for words was when I took her to a bike shop with me. She is fantastic with my daughter though, and our relationship is a lot better than it was a few years back.

I can't help thinking that your mum might feel a bit lost without your dad, but it's such a shame that she's damaging a real live relationship with you.

Sorry not to be more help. Enjoy your new car!

[shootingstar]

Badger, is there anything that you would like to have from your mother that she can give easily to you at times?

I know, because my mother is quite difficult with an explosive temper and our relationship with mother is compounded with considerable difficulty because she doesn't speak/know much English and we have lost 80% of our Chinese language fluency. So she is genuinely isolated from her own children..by language. Her own negativity will most likely be amplified whenever my father dies (he has cancer now), her only translator/mediator with her own children.

She does tend to be negative but that has now been tempered a touch by the death of one of my sisters.

It has been a long long journey to appreciate mother. Some of my sisters who are now mothers themselves, do draw upon her experience when they need it: on parenting --the practical stuff, not the style of childrearing.

The best type of interactions between mother and us (her children) when for our family when we have some huge linguistic gaps, are some of the things that she makes for us, that confirms things she enjoys doing for us while also "helping" out her children....certain food dishes we ourselves haven't bothered to learn (we know and prepare other family "heirloom" dishes), making baby food from scratch for grandchildren and sewing clothing.

If we didn't have this to want/appreciate from mother, then it would be harder for us to express that appreciation of her role as a parent to us.

I don't live in the same city as my parents anymore and distance does help but then whenever I visit, it can cause unrealistically high expectations for a wonderful visit jammed in a few hours to make up for not seeing one another for 1-2 yrs.

Maybe it's just better to focus on whatever you and your mother enjoy doing best together or can do with the least amount of tension. Or provide her an opportunity to share her "expertise" in an area where you want to learn more /need her help.

[indysteel]

Muirenn, I need to bookmark your post to remind myself of some ways to deal with my FIL. Excellent post.

I wish such strategies would work with my own mother. It's not a question of managing her as much as having to both remember and accept that she's arguably mentally ill. I can expect very little from her and what I do get is very warped. Plus, it's wrapped up into a history of neglect and emotional abuse. I keep up a lot of walls with her.

[jobob]

Muirenn, I need to bookmark your post to remind myself of some ways to deal with my FIL. Excellent post.

OMG, likewise. LeeBob's dad recently moved a few miles from us, after having lived a long distance away, physically and otherwise. The adjustment has been difficult. This thread is really helpful for me -- Lee is pretty good at letting his dad's behavior roll off him, but I'm not very good at it. But, I'm learning.

[shootingstar]

Just think badger, at least you have a common language if you wish, to communicate in complex sentences with your mother.

We can't. (and language lessons isn't going to solve this since mother tongue language must be used several times per wk. We aren't speaking Chinese that often anymore. We're working in jobs and have friends which require English.)

In a way, then in our situation the mother-adult child relationship must exist intuitively at its most basic level and trust becomes even more critical with inabilty to express complicated issues/feelings.

We get along better with my father since he can speak English and has a milder temperment.

[chatnoire]

Badger, you have my sympathy. I am also the daughter of a difficult mother. This morning (my first morning getting out of bed and dressed alone after my accident) I woke up to an email from my mother berating me for not calling her more often, so she has to find out about my life from Facebook.

In the meantime, she hasn't called once since I got hurt. No one in my family has. My boyfriend's mother has called multiple times.

Also, a Jetta? Awesome car. I've got a 2008 Jetta, and I think I'm pretty cool. plus, the trunk is huge! I've been able to transport two road bikes in the back seat/trunk of my Jetta.

[nuliajuk]

I'm completely estranged from my parents, for reasons I won't get into. (Their idea, not mine.) It's actually a huge relief not to have to deal with my mother any more. She seemed to feel she was in competition with me, for whatever reason and would make nasty little digs and needling remarks. I'd have as little contact with her as possible and have to steel myself for visits days beforehand.

You don't choose your relatives and it's usually impossible to change them, but you can certainly change your reaction to them. Pretend she's some crotchety elderly cousin several times removed, perhaps. Your family doesn't sound quite as extreme as mine, so there might be something there to salvage.

Oh, and we rented a diesel Golf in France and loved it.