Mega sticky friend dilemma

[Reesha]

I am suddenly embroiled in this horrible, awful, sticky, terrible situation. I'm going to try to explain enough of it without any revealing specifics for the sake of privacy, but I really need some advice on this one. I really really really don't know what to do.

My coworker and I are good friends. Her DH opened a restaurant last year with some of his friends/fans as investors about the same time they got married. My DBF was offered a job managing the office/accounting side of things. She and I share an office and a curriculum.

Recently her DH left the restaurant. My DBF told me the night of, but I figured friend would tell me when I came back to work on Monday. We usually talk about this stuff. Five days go by... giant elephant in the room! I tell her that I know he left, that I'm not asking questions, and she says she's not talking about it. I think to myself this is unusual for her, but I figure her DH is moving onto other projects and she doesn't want to talk about it.

Yesterday (nearly two weeks after her DH initially left the restaurant) I went by the day the place was closed to pick up my DBF. Owner/bar manager and new executive chef and DBF sit me down. They drop the biggest bomb I have ever heard on me. Basically her DH has been stealing from the restaurant. Restaurant is owned by a partnership of four people and he was siphoning off money here and there (in addition to his salary) and gambling it all away. (I knew he liked to gamble, as does she-- but not the extent). What is worse is that he was taking a salary for 6 months and my friend didn't know about it. She thought he was not taking a salary to help ensure the success of the restaurant. Really he was spending it all at the casino.

The other owners and my DBF continued to find ways to cut him off... including cutting off his salary as a punishment so that he'd stop stealing money. I guess things came to a head recently and he was fired, made to leave and they are working on how to extricate him from the partnership. He may be sued for the stolen money that is more than what his stake in the company is worth. My friend is in the dark about all of this, but she may have no other option but to be drawn into the legal situation.

Anyway, I think they told me because they aren't allowed to talk to her but are hoping that I will warn her somehow. We have a professional relationship of 4 years to maintain-- we are absolute partners in our job. I also have a friendship to maintain. Honestly though she's a very rational person and won't believe anything without evidence and the owners are not able to tell her what she needs to know. I figure the best thing to do might be to suggest that she needs to grill her DH. I really don't know what to do. It's the end of the schoolyear... it's crazy... if she finds out now there will be no time to process and she won't be able to take time away. On the other hand it would keep her busy during a trying time. Part of me thinks it might be best to wait until things have calmed down at work. On the other hand, she deserves to know immediately. I really believe telling her is going to stress/temporarily ruin our friendship. What to do?

Urgh. I need help. Yes I do. Sticky, sticky, sticky.

[Penny4]

That is sticky and I'm sorry you are in that position.
I'm still thinking about what I would do. My initial reaction was Stay out of it! But then I thought, wouldn't I want my friend to tell me?
I really can't say either way because you also have a professional relationship with her which is something to consider.

However, one key line that stands out is:
Anyway, I think they told me because they aren't allowed to talk to her but are hoping that I will warn her somehow.

If you aren't sure they want you to tell her, this coudl make things even worse if you are not supposed to....

[Reesha]

Oh I should clarify. No they definitely want me to warn her. That much is clear. They also told her cousin who works in the industry locally and is close with her. I think the better word is that it's their hope/expectation that we will do our best to protect her.

[pll]

I suspect she may know at least part of the story -- the 'she's not talking about it' response suggests that to me. Else she might have shared some story in which her H is the victim. I think I would stay out. Gambling is addictive and addictions supersede rational behavior; it makes couple relationships crumble.

[shootingstar]

I think she must know something if she is unwilling to even mention why her hubby has left the restaurant.

My immediate reaction as a good friend within a professional work relationship, at some point later is to express you're around to do the best job with her, that you appreciate her as a professional colleague.

When she does tell you, I would tend to signal that your committment to her to do the best job on the job with her and that what her husband might have done is not related to what both you do on the job at school.

If she is very trustworthy as a work colleague, then most likely her relationship with her hubby is under great stress right now. It's probably a super tough time for her if she knows something but cannot reveal. Or it's about fly into the storm.

But if you wanted, to signal that you are there to listen to her. Maybe away from work environment and mention this.

[lph]

Wow. My gut reaction is if this is a close friend, loyalty to her comes first. It doesn't really matter how you found out about the stealing, but now you do know, and at some point she will know that you know. You don't have to tell her everything, but you can say that you've heard some of what's happened (but you haven't heard the dh's side of it), it sounds pretty serious, that she really needs to talk with her dh if she hasn't, and that you're there for her if she needs support. Then she can ask you for more details if she wants.

I can imagine that she suspects but doesn't want to admit it, is unhappy and maybe too ashamed to talk about it. I would be, if it were me. Knowing that you know some of it and are ok with it may be a big help. This sounds like gambling addiction, and she may need to know that not everyone thinks that her dh is evil and that she is dumb and naive.

But it depends on your relationship with her. You have to judge if her keeping her pride is more important, since you have a professional relationship with her too. Either way it will be uncomfortable. My sympathies!

[Reesha]

My impression and her cousins is that her DH has been busily maligning everyone who works at the restaurant. We suspect that he's told her there's been some disagreement resulting in a buyout.

It's just awful. She loves her DH so very much-- I was there from the beginning of their relationship, went to her wedding... her cousin and I are just shocked and stunned. DBF feels terrible (has for a year) and confessed that he feels like he knows her DH better than she does. It's just tragic. She is probably being asked to trust him 100% and she probably is doing just that. I just wish she'd ask me questions. That would certainly make it easier. But she seems to be operating under instructions not to talk at all.

DBF had an idea (brainstorm style) last night that maybe I should let her DH know that I know somehow to make him nervous enough to tell her. I backed away from that one immediately-- I just don't want to go there. But I think if I make more of a concerted effort to hang with her outside of work, he might get nervous to do the same. I don't think he's going to be able to lie forever.

[Irulan]

Sounds like a good time to detach from the whole situAtion. You can still care about your friend without losing energy to her problems. If you are getting ill from her stuff it's a pretty good sign that you may be too invested in something that is ultimately none of your business. I know that letting go of good friends issues is really tough. As a friend we think we should be there to help and support, but there comes a point when it's good to step back, realize they are adults a fully capable of making their own (bad)'decisions, and that you have zero control over it. I've been know to set a boundary- an example might be, I really care about you, but I find this very upsetting and I need to not listen to any of it anymore, as in " not a topic for discussion ever" kind of thing. That may be one way to keep your sanity.
.

[Dogmama]

Chalk up another one for "stay out of it." Bad idea to get between husband & wife. Worse idea to get between same couple if an addiction is involved. She may be enabling him, for whatever reason. If so, she may regard your support as meddling in her affairs.

Also, a family member is aware of the situation. If anybody gets involved, it should be that person. And if she should ever question you about not telling her, you could simply explain that 1. It was none of your business 2. Your information was secondhand 3. Because a cousin was aware of the situation, it was up to him/her to get involved. You are a co-worker first, IMO.

Finally, DH and I always know where the other person is. I find it strange that her DH would disappear for hours to gamble & she doesn't know something is up. Thus - my advice for staying out of it. There may be lots more here than is being told.

[Irulan]

http://www.gam-anon.org/

for friends and families of someone who gambles.
(for you, your friend can decide to go on her own)

[owlice]

One of my greatest regrets in life is not having said something when it could have helped alert someone to someone else's behavior.

There is potential for financial disaster here. What kind of person lets someone become ruined just for lack of a few well-chosen words? If the cousin/someone else closer to her doesn't say anything, you have to. I'm sorry to disagree with so many others here, but someone has to say something to her, and if no one else does, be a true, rather than convenient, friend to her and do it. You think she won't feel totally betrayed when she learns -- as she surely will eventually -- that others had but withheld information from her? Is she going to want to be friends with you when she learns that you were one of those people? Why add humiliation to the mix?

Take her out (away from work), let her know you're there for her, tell her what you've heard, acknowledge that you don't have her husband's side of the story, and then let her know that you will never bring this up again if she prefers that you not. Let her know that you value her, her work, your friendship.

It might help if you appear confused about what the whole story is -- because you don't have the whole story -- and are just letting her know that you've been hearing some things that seem off but don't really understand all of it. This is the Miss Manners method of appearing not to totally understand something for the sake of helping the other person save face; if you're familiar with her advice, you'll recognize the technique, and if you aren't familiar with her advice, please know that I am not doing it justice!

You may not lose the friendship if you do tell her, but I would bet dollars to doughnuts you'll definitely lose it once she finds out you were one of the people who didn't say anything, even if the only utility to her of that information is to let her know that other people have been told something of the situation. How she addresses this, what she does with the information, is up to her, but really, someone has to let her know.

Or, you know, what Sky King said so much more succinctly than I did!

[indysteel]

I vote stay out of it. This isn't just a situation where a friend is in trouble and you're in a position to help. A crime was allegedly committed here and the OP's boyfriend may be involved, ultimately, in either a criminal or civil action involving it. For that reason, don't complicate it further by interjecting yourself any further. One possible scenario: You tell her your concerns and then she confides in you something even more damning or incriminating about her husband and, god forbid, admits that she was somehow involved. Then where are you? Leave it to her cousin to intervene.