He died, the family is fighting, need advice

[Dogmama]

I need some advice from people who don't know the characters in this sad play.

An older gentleman (80) recently passed. He and his wife were good friends for the last 20 years - although they had distanced during the last 3 years. He had Alzheimers and she became very difficult to be with (she has always been difficult with a sharp tongue and general "me me me" attitude.) He had several hospital episodes & it wasn't unusual for the paramedics to come get him and for him to take a cab home. Stuff like that. She's pretty self absorbed.

He has five kids all scattered around the U.S. They hate his wife, but pretended to tolerate her so that they can see him. Now, he's dead. Gloves have come off. Funeral was lots of back stabbing, angry phone calls to my DH & myself, etc.

Last week, she put him in his niche. Family found out & went nuts because they hadn't been invited & didn't know it was happening. I don't know why she didn't do it during the funeral - but she didn't. Only four other people were there, including me.

I took pictures of the niche & surrounding area. It's really very nice & I thought it might help put the kids in a better space. DH thinks I should not email the pictures - that I should stay out of it. If I asked the wife if I should send them, she would say absolutely not - f*k them because of the way they are treating her (it goes both ways, believe me.) My feeling is - this was their dad & they deserve to know. Plus, as I said, it's a nice place with big trees, green grass, etc.

Opinions? Email the pictures or stay out of it? I really don't want to get embroiled in this soap opera - but I feel badly for the "kids" (ages 38 to 51 years old.) I know if I do, she'll be royally p.o.'d at me. I really don't care - but I don't want to stir the pot either.

Help!

[indysteel]

Stay out of it. You could well be wrong that getting the photos will put the kids in the better place. Remember you--a person outside the family--were one of only four people invited; that might sting to them.

[shootingstar]

Best to stay out for a long time.

If you personally meet one of the children face to face several years from now, you can offer discreetly a pic or 2. His wife doesn't need to know. These are adult children.

Have to let the anger die down for now.

[OakLeaf]

+1 on staying out ... with one exception: if the rest of the family doesn't know where the niche is, then I would tell them. I think they have the right to know that. And you're not so much connected to that bit of information, as you would be to actual pictures.

If they want pictures, they can take their own; if they want to visit his niche and remember their father individually or together, they can do that, too.

[uforgot]

Stay out of it.

[Catrin]

Run, run some more, and then run like hell..