Dealing with Mid-Life Crisis

[Bluetree]

My closest friends are a bunch of men, ages 35-45. All the married ones (with kids) are going through a mid-life crisis and it's bugging the carp out of me. All the unmarried ones are happy as larks and it makes the married ones even more miserable.

I'm the only gal in the bunch which –*for some reason –*gives them the green light to dump all their problems on me. (BTW, they're not trying to hit on me, I don't think... my BF is part of the group)

What to do? I was sympathetic at first, but now it's making me very annoyed. I want to just slap them upside the head and yell, "Stop-being-such-a-crybaby-if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Does that work? Any suggestions?

[Tri Girl]

Try it. I have a friend who keeps complaining that her husband is a jerk (he is) and that she's tired of being the only one to raise the kids (which she is). I told her once to either do something about it, or stop complaining to me. You have a choice in life, and if you're unhappy you need to find out why and get on with it. I'm not very tolerant or sympathetic, obviously.
Of course, the last few months I've been dreaming of moving someplace tropical, selling everything I own and living on the beach. DH rolls his eyes. He needs the safety and stability of a drone lifestyle, and I'm getting much more "gypsy" in my old age. I guess I should take my own advice, huh?

[OakLeaf]

He needs the safety and stability of a drone lifestyle, and I'm getting much more "gypsy" in my old age. I guess I should take my own advice, huh?

mmmm... husband swap?

[Tri Girl]

mmmm... husband swap?

You got a little gypsy on your hands, huh?

[tulip]

You answered your own question: yell, "Stop-being-such-a-crybaby-if-you-aren't-happy-then-do-something-about-it-without-destroying-your-family!"

Then give them a list of therapists (individual and couples) to call. That's what they are there for.

[Crankin]

Are these a bunch of racers? Maybe they are just spending too much time away from their spouses... I am not trying to flip, but the commitment it takes to be on a team/training can be devastating to a marriage, let alone being a parent.

You can't be a counselor for all of them. Listen, but in the end, maybe suggest they sit down and actually discuss their unhappiness with a) their spouse and b) a therapist
Not everyone (male or female) in this age range has a crisis; in fact research shows that most are quite happy. So there must be some common factor going on here.

[Bluetree]

Are these a bunch of racers? Maybe they are just spending too much time away from their spouses... I am not trying to flip, but the commitment it takes to be on a team/training can be devastating to a marriage, let alone being a parent.

Yes, they are ALL racers.

And I have told them to go to therapy. They don't listen. ***sigh***

EDIT: I think a HUGE part of this is the fact that the unmarried guys have such a happy-go-lucky kind of lifestyle, and they are quite open that they are happy about their no-wife-no-children decision. It might be different if their peers had a more family-friendly outlook on life.

[tulip]

They don't have to listen to your advice (they are grownups, afterall), but you don't have to listen to them, either. You can't control them, but you can control you reactions to them. Get up and leave and do something you like.

[Andrea]

Yes, they are ALL racers.

Based on my experiences with guys who race, if they're ambitions include winning and upgrading to elite ranks, then the wife/family thing rarely works without a hitch. The only way racing at that level works is with a supportive spouse... not tolerant as is more common, but one that actually wants to see her man kick a bunch of a** on the bike, and is happy to take up the slack while he's out training/racing.
Otherwise, if he's training/racing like he wants, she's going to resent it. Or, he won't train/race as much as he wants, and he'll start to resent her.

I figured this out during many a long road trip and training ride... racing is one of the things that's somewhere on my list of reasons why I'm no longer married (among other bigger issues, but it's on there for sure).

[shootingstar]

You might want to suggest that you'll be more willing to listen to the same complaints, but only after they've tried to discuss stuff with their spouse.

Or stick to chatting about cycling and just explore how much time they are cycling away from their families. Cycling enthusiasts can easily lose perspective. Unless their spouse is happily having her own hobby too.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Just my own take-
they are ignoring their wives (who likely don't share their cycling interests), they're feeling bored, restless, and self absorbed. They are dumping their 'angst' on you with a little hope in the back of their minds that they will get you interested in them. I'm betting that most of them have crushes on you, or at least fantasize about being with you. You are physically fit and very pretty, after all. They wish their wives were more like you.
I guess both men and women can suffer from this crisis, which is just a fear of getting old and losing one's sex appeal.
Since the beginning of time men in mid-life crisis have 'poured their souls out' to nearby lovely younger women in the hopes of attracting one for themselves. If they really want to solve their problems, they will pour their souls out to their wives and to a good therapist.

You just have to be a bit firmer with them about not being available to help them sort out their problems. Maybe you could approach it with humor and tell them it's getting to be a problem with a whole bunch of them confessing their angst to you. This might keep it light and make them laugh when they realize it's not just them.

[Mr. SR500]

Hey, that could be me. Guys are very direct, tell them to suck it up and grow up. Sorry they are dumping on you. I don't think I dump on any friends - men or women, it seems life is busy enough to just keep plowing away. I'm sure I wine on occasion, but try not to ever get too personal.

Just say - Let's Ride!

[lph]

What are they having crises about? Conflicts with family life? Or just a plain "argh, is this it"-crisis? To my mind somebody who races and still manages to have a family has achieved more than someone who has all the time in the world to race but no wife or kids.

It may just be that they think that you as a woman (or just as a person - fancy that ) are a better listener, and being a cyclist yourself you understand the problem more than their non-cycling spouses. I have a lot of male friends, and I appreciate it when they feel they can talk to me about some things because I'm sort of one of the guys but still a woman with a woman's point of view.

But that's no licence to dump all their angst on you, 'f course.

[Bluetree]

I have a gay friend who is in a similar situation (being a dumpee), and we once compared notes of the most-common phrases we hear:

"My wife and I have just grown apart. We're like roommates."

"I'm bored with everything."

"I love my kids, but if I had to do it all over again..."

"Marriage ended my sex life."

"If anyone younger than me asks, I tell them not to get married."

"I wish my wife rode a bike... like you do." (My gay friend doesn't get that one)

"I'm so angry, and I have no idea why because I have nothing to be angry about."

"I need a change, but I don't know what I want."

The sad thing is, my friend waited for 20 years to get married to his BF because he wanted it so badly... and now that may be taken away from him.

[lunacycles]

I have a framebuilding buddy in another country with whom I have been emailing for years. But, I started to notice, he seems to email me a lot more frequently, and with a lot more verbage, when he is having trouble with his girlfriend. It's so predictable now. She left the U.S. and moved in with him in Sept, and suddenly it got very quiet. But, sure enough, 3 months in, he's back and complaining about how he has lost his freedom. I told him to behave himself and haven't heard back.

You know, I think guys, guys who are your "friends," are often confused, especially if they are married or heavily committed. I get confused, too. Sometimes it is really nice having guys, regardless of their marital status, as your friends and nothing more. But it seems like that is a rarer thing than I thought it would be 20 years ago. I still have great guy friends, but sometimes it isn't worth it unless you've known each other so long the rules are absolutely clear and self evident.