Any others in the forum with social anxiety?

[bacarver]

Anxiety disorders are common, but I feel like an alien at times. I've recently had a very difficult set back after years of doing really well. It has felt chemically based to me even though I adhere to the cognitive aspect for cause and solution. I'm starting to get back to my previous self after about 6 weeks of being very uncomfortable. This hit me from nowhere and it seems to be disappearing in similar fashion.
I want nothing to do with medications. I am highly susceptible to side effects.
Interestingly, I am a psych nurse but a human first.
I would like to attend an anxiety support group, but I live in a rural area and this is not available to me.
Connecting with others helps me feel better.
If anyone is willing to share even if through private messages, I can provide more information.
If not, thanks for listening, TE.

Barb

[TJ_Relic]

Hi Barb. I can't say I have a social anxiety disorder, exactly, because I've never seen a therapist or anything. I know I have alot of fear that has kept me from a full social life.

It always feels like everything about me is being criticized by every passing person. I know this is egotistical, but I was picked on alot as a kid, which is a big part of this.

I have a hard time trusting that someone actually wants to spend time with me, even if I am invited, and it is horrifying and impossible for me to ask to join a group for lunch or invite myself to a party.

I've known my friend Amanda since middle school (kinda kindergarten, actually) and it took about 5 years for me to trust that my very presence wasn't an imposition, that she wasn't pretending to be my friend, out of pity.

So, its sort of social anxiety, magnified by low self-worth. I was a shy child, but my family's constant moving kinda messed me up for a long time. I've dealt with it bit by bit, forcing myself into situations that make me uncomfortable, and realizing that my few friends are genuine has been a great help.

Now I'm using bicycling as a self-therapy, too. I put on shorts, ride an orange bike, riding a bike at all draws people's attention and possibly judgment, I'm dressing differently at school, etc...

[SlowButSteady]

Yes, totally have it.

and TJ Relic, this is so true: >>It always feels like everything about me is being criticized by every passing person. <<

I'm OK and functional in the insulated worlds of my home and office. Also pretty okay from jungles to high deserts with total strangers.

Where I have difficulty functioning is in the community in which I live. I often procrastinate on simple things like going to the grocery store or the dry cleaners because of it, and going to church or the local discount store is difficult. There are one or two local restaurants where I am okay, but I often get something in a drive-through and sit in my truck alone to eat lunch.

The common thread, as far as I can tell, is that I tend to avoid going places where I may run into and be forced to speak to someone I may know, however remotely. Send me to the mall in the next town among strangers and I'm okay. I'm okay crossing the country by plane or at the beach or doing anything "active."

I'm also okay at my job. People come into my office to see me -- on purpose! (I'm a vet). I figure it's because they want to and I am totally professional and 100% confident in my business.

It's when I try to function in this small town community that I get freaked out. I even have difficulty wanting to ride with LBC. I'm always the slowest one...imagine they laugh at me behind my back, etc. So I usually ride my bike alone.

I am confident enough to go shopping in nearby larger cities, to go to a movie by myself or eat by myself--I can even go to a WALMART by myself and not feel weird in a town in which I am a stranger. My assessment is that people who are total strangers have no preconceived notion of who I am or what I am like.

I can and do make friends--but it takes forever and they are few.

Meds have not helped. So many have been tried. I get side effects from some; others don't work. Ativan helps but it clashes with some other things I'm taking and I get groggy.

I do think exercise and eating well help. I try to go heavy on omega 3's, citrus and sunlight and since I have, I seem to do better. I also credit some of that for not having had the flu or even a cold in quite a while

[Skierchickie]

Wow - me too! I can relate to most of TJ_Relic & SlowButSteady's examples. I'm really self-conscious. I've gotten better about it the last few years, but wow - the whole "people just invite me to join them because they are trying to be nice" feeling was (is) just awful. And I had a terrible time when I had to start going to Al-Anon meetings (I used to always show up early for everything, probably thinking I'd be noticed less than if I walked in later). If one or two people walked in, I was relatively okay, but my discomfort would grow with every person that walked into a room, until I'd feel like I was going to have apanic attack.. And I've always hated parties - I tend to lurk in a quiet spot waiting for others to talk to me, instead of taking a risk. And I just can't make small talk. If I get comfortable, I run on a lot, though (just look at me now!). In grade school through high school I always carried a novel to read, and I'd stick my nose in my book as soon as I got to class, until the class started, so I wouldn't have to interact. I also assume everybody is critical of me, and nobody likes me.

As I said, I'm better than I was (dating back to when a huge crisis in my marriage got me into counseling). I have actual friends now - I'm still an isolating homebody, though. I'll never be a social being, or comfortable in public (the shopping by myself thing sounds familiar, and restaurants without a crutch!!).

Anyway, I can relate.

[mimitabby]

lots of us have some degree of social anxiety. I played Bass for 6 years in a band. It was great. I didn't have to talk (couldn't talk and play at the same time anyway) and I could have fun and be with friendly people. Another benefit was i could be on stage and be behind everyone else, i never ever took "center stage" I liked that!
I noticed that a lot of my musician friends did better with the instruments than they did with conversation!

[bacarver]

Thanks for sharing, guys. I feel the caring and the connection.
One thing about these fears is that they don't make total sense. Everyone has a unique way of being fearful.
My anxiety manifests itself through neck muscle tension and jerking. Eye contact is my problem trigger area. I fight to hide this from others at the expense of my well-being. This leaves me exhausted and frustrated.
I didn't ask for this problem. It found me through genetic predisposition and difficult life experiences.
I find it hard to accept this part of myself. I equate it to failure and being weak.
My internal dialogue is an ongoing work of art! I must work at being kind to myself in the thoughts inside my head.
Our bikes remind of us of how strong and capable we are.
Thanks again for contributing to the thread.
I will re-read the messages and find strength in them.
Barb

[bacarver]

TJrelic - If others could hear what goes on in my head, they would hear a lot of tapes from my childhood. These seem to be stuck and play daily despite my being 48. These messages keep the fears alive. Constant moves/disruption as a kid can interfere with normal growth and development. Can I have a "do-over"!?
The orange bike is a perfect example of "paradoxical intent" in action. Good for you to be so bold!

Slowbutsteady - I can relate to what you mean about interacting with those in your community who know you. I think I know how people view me and I worry about negative opinions/perspectives without having the truth. I want to be liked and I over value the process. This builds barriers that become exhausting to work with. Going to town often wears me out.

Flur - Way to go!!

Savra - I like your new word . . . "offness". Embracing it = self-respect. It's hard to feel good about yourself when this problem is so closely connected to self-esteem.

Solobiker - I am also more comfortable with anyone who isn't viewed as a challenge to me. I rank/rate people as being better than/worse than and this is then translated into my fear. I know this is irrational but it's how my brain thinks.

Thanks for sharing. I hope that we can all be more comfortable this year. We're doing our best. It's not easy living with this, but we are still good people who do good things for others.
I appreciate the responses to this thread. I have felt a sincere concern and honesty from TE.
Barb

[solobiker]

I think what it is for me is I am not into the typical "girly" things. Everyone I share an office with, including the men, are big into shopping, TV, fashion. None of my co-workers are into spending time outdoors. I feel so uncomfortable because someone always comes into work dressed " so cute" and then the conversation lasts for an hour or 2 about where they got there clothing. UGH... I much rather talk about hiking, climbing, riding bikes. I also see them cut down people who aren't fashionable. I know for a fact I would not have my picture on the cover of a fashion magazine. Unless it was what not to do But I am okay with that because it seems like they are always trying to keep up with the changes. If I had to chose I am more comforatble talking with men the women.

[malkin]

I think social skills are overrated.

[Skierchickie]

Maybe so, but I need some. Today I had to "have a talk" with one of the students at work. I sort of oversee 8 or so college students in the computer lab, and lately I've been too busy to make myself check up on them much. Well, today one of them came into my office and told me they were all fed up with one of the new guys, basically not doing anything all day. So I summoned up all of my courage and (once I finally tracked him down 2 hours later), tried to somewhat gently tell him to let one of us engineers know whenever he runs out of work. This kid is pretty defensive all the time (over any little pointer you try to give him). He gave me a whole string of "reasons", so I told him I'd heard from several sources that he wasn't being very productive (it turns out all the shop guys have seen the same thing). My heart was racing, I totally lost my train of thought - I really am terrible at this. I ended up so flustered, I'm not sure how I came across. I can only think of the right things to say after the fact - totally can't think on my feet. Anyway, it was really really scarey.

I am sooo glad that is over. I'm afraid next I'll have to confront him over his arrogance issues (which I suspect are actually low self esteem). Hopefully it won't come to that, but it will have to if he's going to keep working there.

I definitely see this as one of my bigger issues - avoidance is so much easier. I'd rather climb in a hole than confront anyone.

[Savra]

I think what it is for me is I am not into the typical "girly" things. Everyone I share an office with, including the men, are big into shopping, TV, fashion. None of my co-workers are into spending time outdoors. I feel so uncomfortable because someone always comes into work dressed " so cute" and then the conversation lasts for an hour or 2 about where they got there clothing. UGH... I much rather talk about hiking, climbing, riding bikes. I also see them cut down people who aren't fashionable. I know for a fact I would not have my picture on the cover of a fashion magazine. Unless it was what not to do But I am okay with that because it seems like they are always trying to keep up with the changes. If I had to chose I am more comforatble talking with men the women.

LOL - I can relate to this. When I worked in an office I listened to endless conversation dribble about clothes and what was on TV etc. It made me want to bash my head up against the wall. I tried feigning interest but it didn't work. There is really only so much faking one can do over how cool a purse is.

[Crankin]

Don't take this wrong, but social skills are not overrated. In fact, based on my 31 years in education and my husband's 25 years in the software industry, I would say in the end, it's as important or more important than technical skills.
Believe me, I have not liked everyone I've worked with and often couldn't stand the endless talk of kids and babies, even when I had little kids. But, you can't be mean about it! No one wants to hear me talk endlessly about my bike, my average, where I rode last weekend. It's a fine line between "professional" friendliness and being friends. I really don't socialize with people from work anymore. I used to, but I find it's best to keep the spheres separate.
But, you have to be able to talk with people, customers (in my case, parents), and other professionals. It's hard to deliver bad news or give direction, but it's a skill that comes with practice.
I love talking to people in all situations, so advice from me probably means nothing. But a large part of my job as a teacher is teaching social skills. It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...

[Flur]

It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...

I'm sorry but I do take offense. Some people have a harder time with this than others, and it's not because they have inadequate families. That's like saying I can't sing because my mother never taught me to. I can't sing because that was not a gift I was given. I could learn to sing, but it wouldn't come naturally. However, I have plenty of other talents that come naturally to me that don't come naturally to others. Social skills are a talent that some are gifted with and others are not.

[solobiker]

[QUOTE=Crankin;327525]Don't take this wrong, but social skills are not overrated. In fact, based on my 31 years in education and my husband's 25 years in the software industry, I would say in the end, it's as important or more important than technical skills.
Believe me, I have not liked everyone I've worked with and often couldn't stand the endless talk of kids and babies, even when I had little kids. But, you can't be mean about it! No one wants to hear me talk endlessly about my bike, my average, where I rode last weekend. It's a fine line between "professional" friendliness and being friends. I really don't socialize with people from work anymore. I used to, but I find it's best to keep the spheres separate.
But, you have to be able to talk with people, customers (in my case, parents), and other professionals. It's hard to deliver bad news or give direction, but it's a skill that comes with practice.
I love talking to people in all situations, so advice from me probably means nothing. But a large part of my job as a teacher is teaching social skills. It's amazing to me what some families do not pass on to their kids...[/QU

I would have to say that social skills are not overrated either. I don't have problems with that in a work situation dealing with work issues. It is just rather annoying when one has to spend most of their days with people they have nothing in common with. I work full time so I spend more of my week at work then I do at home. I work with people that do not have similar interests as I do and vice versa. Therefore it is hard to join into their conversations. I also don't really talk what I have done over the weekend because I usually just get the rolling eyes or some other immature behavior. That is where the social issues arise. They are often immature and often exclude others from their conversations. I share a very small office and therapy gym with 8 other people so it is not like I only see them for a little bit during the day. I just need to let things go. I have gotten beter about it.

[JaneE]

Anxiety disorders are common, but I feel like an alien at times. I've recently had a very difficult set back after years of doing really well...
Connecting with others helps me feel better.
If anyone is willing to share even if through private messages, I can provide more information.
If not, thanks for listening, TE.

Barb

Hi Barb,

YES! I relate very well to what you're saying. I've been painfully shy my whole life. I guess things have gotten a *little* easier the older I've gotten but in some situations, at least, not by much.

A few years ago (well, about 10 years ago) my kids were all entering their teen years and it occurred to me that except for a few friends I had known since grade school I really didn't have much of a social network. My DH traveled a lot with his job and our kids (three boys, including a set of twins) kept me pretty busy and close to home. I was fine with that until I hit me that before long our kids would be grown and gone and if I didn't get out and meet people I'd be sitting alone waiting for the kids to phone home.

So, I basically FORCED myself to join a local quilt guild (my second passion...after biking ). I was nervous as all get-out and didn't know a soul. Then I FORCED myself to volunteer for a committee or two and did meet some women whom I now consider good friends. The guild-thing only lasted a few years, though. Loved the quilts and many of the people. HATED the politics. Still have the friends, though I haven't been able to talk any of them into becoming bikers, mores the pity.

Guess I always have been and always will be somewhat of a loner and not much of a joiner and there's nothing wrong with that. It's just who I am, though it does bother me once in a while. I suppose it's one reason why I love biking. I like being alone with my thoughts. When I'm out on my bike I think very deep thoughts. LOL! I do look at people I know who are very gregarious and have an easy way with people and wish I could be more like them, though. Life seems to be so much easier for them but then I guess the grass is always greener, right?

Thank goodness for the internet. It's a wonderful way to interact with people you wouldn't otherwise ever know.

Jane