Getting over fear after getting hit

[Spec&TrekGirl]

I have what I think is a unique problem. My husband used to be an avid runner and cyclist (recreational level) until he got hit by a car - broad-sided by a left turner when he was riding downhill at a fairly high speed. This was 14 years ago and we met briefly a few weeks before this happened and started dating shortly after. Anyway, his injuries weren't too terrible - several broken toes, a broken wrist, and mainly, a lot of rough cartilage under both knee caps which ended his running due to pain and limits his bike riding. Could have been much worse as he just started wearing a helmet the week before this happened and the helmet broke hitting the pavement.

The problem is...he has a problem with me riding in traffic. I've always loved riding bikes, taking 20-30 miles rides was a regular thing in my early 20's, up to the time we got together. We started doing a lot of hiking and other things together and I knew it bothered him a lot when I'd ride my bike so a slowly got out of that entirely. We have 2 kids who are 6 & 8 now and he has nightmares about them getting hit by a car on their bikes. He only wants them to ride on trails, not in traffic at all including just around the neighborhood.

We both grew up with bikes such a huge part of our childhood and I really don't think we should forbid our kids from such a normal part of childhood. I recently got interested in road biking again to lose weight and I just miss the fun of it! So I got a beautiful Trek 1600 last week and have taken a few get acquainted ride to learn to use the clipless (used cages before). Anyway, he's a bit pissed off about the whole idea because he knows that I know how much it bothers him. But I don't think his fears should keep me from doing something as health as bike riding.

Any suggestions on how to get him over the fear of me and the kids riding in traffic? Anyone gone through something similar? I like to think that me getting back into road biking should help him get used to the idea and I can get him to accept the kids riding around the neighborhood...maybe?

Thanks for any advice you have.

[mimitabby]

Welcome to TE Spec& Trek!

Wow, I think you're doing the right thing, I don't think it's fair for him to put his fears on you and your kids.

Someone else will weigh in here shortly, good luck.

[OakLeaf]

Is there a safety course offered in your area? A lot of police departments sponsor a kids' cycling safety clinic every year. For adults, maybe there's the kind of thing that Silver's going to be teaching. And if so, I think HE should take the course with you.

Do you know any male cyclists who have kids, that you could get to talk with him? I think it's very hard for men to open up with women about their fears without getting all controlling, and it really sounds like he's got some PTSD going on.

Most of the time this subject arises it's when someone WANTS to get over their fear and is having trouble doing so. It's going to be tough if he doesn't want to, which is how you make it sound. My next door neighbors actually made the compromise you're making now - he can dirt bike all he likes, but no motorcycling on the street

[Technotart]

Is there a safety course offered in your area?

I second that - check www.bikeleague.org for courses and instructors in your area! It appears there may be, sometimes they just need someone to round up a group and they will teach a course. I HIGHLY recommend Road I!

.

[Dianyla]

If he is still making this much fuss because of something that happened to him 14 years ago, I would speculate that that either:

a) Your DH needs some degree of counselling to deal with this past trauma.

b) Maybe this has nothing to do with the bike, and everything to do with control.

Yeah, riding a bike is dangerous. So is driving a car, walking across the street, and so many other things associated with living. He needs to get over it.

[Mr. Bloom]

Welcome spec&trek...I'm one of the token males who hangs out here...along with my wife Silver - who was in a severe wreck about 18 months ago.

I'm not going to take a side in this, because you're both equally right.

Having said that, I will offer my perspective...that I don't think is gender biased. Because we have similar issues to reconcile here, Silver suggested I respond.

It's great that you want to ride again and I don't think that you're being wreckless to want you or your family to ride bikes. It's also reasonable for him to have genuine concern for his family's safety and well being...

I think there are two issues here:
- mutual respect (as Dianyla describes as "control"): He feels offended that you're not sensitive to his fear and you feel offended that he's imposing his fear on your freedom. I think that this can be reconciled over time, but right now, it seems that there's a gap (and each of you has turned the other way, folded your arms tight and tapping your toe waiting for the other one to change) I really mean that sincerely and with no disrespect
- his somewhat rational fear and concern: this is where I think the bikeleague courses are a great idea

You know, as I re-read this, I've really just ditto'd Dianyla...but she just said it with fewer words...the true mark of wisdom

So, I agree with Dianyla However,I'd just suggest that you not tell him to "get over it", but rather talk and work with him so that he'll get more comfortable over time. Time and good experience nurture comfort.

[kat_h]

Any suggestions on how to get him over the fear of me and the kids riding in traffic? Anyone gone through something similar? I like to think that me getting back into road biking should help him get used to the idea and I can get him to accept the kids riding around the neighborhood...maybe?

I felt similarly after my car crash 2 years ago. Someone ran a light right in front of me, I couldn't stop, I hit him, wrote off my car and made me best friends with the chiropractor. After that I wouldn't drive. I took the bus to work even though it took 4 hours. I walked everywhere else. Finally I started driving again and hated it. I was scared of everything. One night on my way home from work someone changed lanes without looking and I had to swerve onto the grass to avoid being hit. I avoided being hit, the other driver probably never noticed, and once I stopped shaking I made it home. After that I started to be okay again. I knew that I could still avoid most problems.

Since I started commuting by bike people always ask if I worry about the cars around me. I do worry, but not enough to quit biking. A few months ago a drunk driver smashed a truck through the wall of the restaurant next door to where I work and hospitalised the owner who was in the kitchen cooking. Would you stop going to restaurants because you're scared of being hit by a car? Probably not. Life is a constant balance between doing what we can to live fully, and doing it as safely as possible to live longer.