Depression, etc

[teigyr]

I have a somewhat quirky question but know that there is a vast knowledge base here. It's also late and I'm tired so I apologize!!!

I have a friend from H.S. who I've recently come back into contact with. She and I were good friends and I was hanging out with her pretty much exclusively in our formative years. I know she had tried to kill herself back in Jr. High (I think?) which was before I met her. Her brother has been diagnosed bi-polar, and she has been diagnosed clinically depressed. This is as of now.

She lives with her sister. Her sister works. My friend is going through a divorce and has a spinal problem which keeps on her on pain medication. My friend is on anti-depressants and morphine derivatives and exists. The California "low income" insurance is very restrictive and only allows her to exist but not to heal.

I've spoken to my friend a lot on the phone. I will go see her within the month. Her sister has pleaded with me not to give up on her (my friend) and they hope that she will want to leave the house and want to live, basically. On the phone, I can see that she is interested. I can talk to her about what's going on and we can be who we are...and I can ask her stupid questions like "why the heck are you DOING this?" and she sees it as it is but I also know (from my fear of heights) that things can't be cured as easily as that.

Any ideas? I e-mailed my ex-husband who has been diagnosed the same only he functions. I think he sees sides that are beyond me because my cure for stuff is "go for a walk". I mean I know beyond that but I guess I pull myself through it all and self-preserve. I think my simplistic way of thinking won't help. I don't want the system to give up on her and I know I am seen as maybe a way out, at least by her sister.

The scary thing is her sister is dating a guy who has talked of marriage. I asked what would happen to my friend (who doesn't work, who lives on public assistance, and who has no living parents now) and was told "well, she would live with us or live with her brother". My friend is my age (not that old, I daresay!!!) and it is so scary to see her without means.

I think she CAN work. She sees things as against her, like if people go out to lunch without her she thinks they don't like her and maybe they don't but that's life sometimes. She can move around. She isn't from an athletic family and they are a bit out of shape but that is all learned behavior. Diet, exercise and all of that CAN happen but coming from how I am, it sounds stupid to just say it to someone who hasn't left the house since forever.

So. For those who have been on medication or who have been through this, what should I do as a friend? My experience is me (who if I'm sad or depressed I run or walk and work through it) and my ex-husband who did try to kill himself, etc., but he was always able to work and put on a good face to the outside. I never 100% understood him though I tried and DH now is more like me than not. I always though some drugs were for maintenance but mostly they were for "curing" or getting someone through something rather than just letting them be numb. I guess it's been years since she's done much of anything.

There's a lot more history but that's the gist of it. I am not so sure my 1 hour phone conversations make a difference and maybe there is something I could do better. We joke about old times and I know she needs a friend but I also know it'd be stupid to think I'm "it" as far as making her come out of this.

Grrrrr. I'm half tempted to make her go for a walk when I go down there

[lph]

Well - coming from a family with a lot of depression but with only minor symptoms myself I can only add a few stray points:

- exercise does help. And "forcing" her in a friendly way might be necessary.
- being able to see ones depression from the outside is a good thing! but doesn't lessen it much, i.e. things like being unusually touchy when not invited to things can hurt just as much even if you know it's irrational.
- Depression can make you incredibly self-centered, and not always very nice. Realizing this isn't much fun either.
- having a place where you HAVE to function and CAN'T feel like a victim can help. Whether it's work, being a parent, or volunteering. Helps self-esteem, helps lift your thoughts, gives new input.
- You as a friend cannot cure her depression. You can help her in a few ways, suggest activities and go with her, but you cannot assume responsibility for her well-being.

Just some random thoughts. I'm sure people here who have been through "the real thing" will be able to add more. Best of luck.

[Mr. Bloom]

lph +1 +1 +1 +1

Depression is a disease that distorts perspective on things. Unfortunately, you have to get "over the hump" to do the things that make you better...but the disease often keeps you from getting "over the hump".

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that some folks get in a funk and choose to wallow in it. Others get there and simply don't know how to get out. I suspect that your friend falls in both categories...but if she's in constant pain and/or regularly medicated for pain, then that makes it double difficult.

I think she would benefit from a goal that she can achieve (like a 15 minute walk each day), structure in her life (a reason to get out of bed), and a supportive relationship.

She needs a friend to motivate her...but YOU have to be careful to not get sucked into her problem.

[makbike]

I agree with all that has been posted. Being a friend, listening, joking, etc are what she needs. She needs a purpose to get out of bed each day, does she have a pet? Listen to her, support her, be there for her but don't take on her problems. Sadly, one person's depression can drag a lot of caring people down so please be careful. In the end your friend has to decide she wants to get well or she wants to continue to live her life as it is.

[KnottedYet]

Yes, make her go for a walk!

Chronic pain-state is depressing both to the mind and to the body, and the only way to interrupt it is through physical activity. Whatever physical activity she will do. (Knitting/painting/drawing counts!)

When the body is used to being in pain, even if it's medicated, it begins to interpret all sensory input as some sort of pain. Getting moving is hard, but once it gets moving it begins to recalibrate sensory input so that non-pain is interpreted correctly.

Spinal pain really s*cks, but doing something physical can make a huge difference.

(our chronic pain patients are always amazed at what a change they feel in their pain intensity)

[LBTC]

teigyr - I agree with everything everyone has said. Thank you for caring enough for your friend to try to help. Be careful for yourself.

Does she have a pet? Can she have a pet? During a very low phase in my life (was I clinically depressed? when I look back now, I think so), I believe the reason I continued to function is that each morning my dogs and cats needed me to get out of bed and feed them and let them out and once I was out of bed I'd think, well, I'm up, I might as well go to work....

During the emotional roller coaster of illness over the past year and a half, my salvation has been this board - the support I've found here, the acceptance, encouragement, knowledge - it's helped to balance some very negative emotions and help me recognize that healing is taking place, however slow it may be. And here is where I discovered the power of butterflies. Such a simple visualization that can lift one's spirits even just a little, even just for a moment. As you know, I offer them to others often, and I've had more than one report that they've helped.

For you - butterflies to keep your spirit protected and happy; for your friend - butterflies to give her a glimpse of the joys in life that make it worth living....

Hugs,
~T~