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  1. #1
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    Question Need wedding advice

    My step daughter, age 36, is getting married for the first time. She's marrying a man who has a couple of kids. Both have good careers, she is a nurse & he's a firefighter. Our relationship with her isn't particularly close. We've tried to be close, helped support her financially during her nursing school, etc. But she tends to be moody & we've decided to not play the game unless/until she wants to talk. We are cordial and are available but just not involved with the drama. BTW, never received a thank you for the financial support - it felt like it was expected of us. This was just a few years ago.

    So, the question is about paying for the wedding. Given her age, the fact that we've already laid out big $$$ for her, they both have secure jobs, etc., we aren't sure how much we should do. I thought that maybe we'd buy her wedding dress & give her cash - $500 to $1,000 - but that even seems like too much. We've been hit with some big financial stuff - so money isn't plentiful right now. Regardless, my angst is that (1) she's been downright mean to her father & won't say what's going on (2) I don't want to seem like we're buying her affections (not that we could, given the school support we laid out) (3) they're not kids.

    I want to do the right thing - whatever that is. DH has said he'd go along with whatever I decide. I'm really torn. I do like her and wish that our relationship could be closer, but in the 21 years that DH and I've been together, that hasn't happened. She is very close to her mother & may have some residual anger about the divorce (which happened 27 years ago) even though he paid child support plus whatever else she wanted/needed. Part of me is also tired of playing the game.

    She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc. I imagine we'll be one of the last ones to know because that's how things usually happen.

    Advice please!! I really don't know what is appropriate.
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  2. #2
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    I don't think there is one "right thing" here - nor do I think you are particularly obligated to do any one thing.

    From what you've said:

    1) Helping will be a financial stress for you;
    2) You have helped maybe more than would be "required" with her education (without thanks);
    3) Your DH doesn't feel strongly;
    4) You want to do the "right thing," but don't really *want* to do what you listed because it's too much;
    5) She probably doesn't *need* the help unless she goes overboard with a wedding.

    I think I would show up for the wedding, and give her a $200 or so (or a gift of equivalent value). I certainly don't think you are in any way obligated to do more.

    Of course, this is just my take and YMMV. I expect that hearing others' opinions might help you sort out your own.
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  3. #3
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    I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

    But here's my feeling about the emotional stuff: I try to only give gifts if I can give them freely--without reference to any emotional baggage, guilt, hard feelings, etc. If I can't give them freely, I don't give them at all. If you really are at a place where you can't give your SD a gift, then don't give her anything. I think that's a legitimate and fair approach if that's where you are emotionally. But be sure you're really there before making that call.

    Good luck.
    Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.

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  4. #4
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    I find it a little disturbing that her father is so ambivalent about it. I do think you are being generous.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by indysteel View Post
    I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.
    I agree. I would stay away from an open-gift like a wedding dress. Different people have different ideas about how much a wedding dress will cost. I think $500 is a very generous gift. She's a grown, independent women--I can't believe she expects you to help pay for her wedding.
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  6. #6
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    Has she actually asked for anything for the wedding?

    Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband need to be on the same page about what/how much you feel would be appropriate, given the considerations you've laid out. This sounds like a delicate situation, but hopefully you can have a frank conversation about it. (Red flag goes up whenever I see "whatever you decide")

    Also since it sounds like she hasn't gotten very far in the way of planning, it might be a bit early for her to say how she would like you to participate. There are many ways to carve a wedding up, financially speaking, as well as in terms of all of the sentiment and emotion that people attach to those pieces. Perhaps just letting her know that as she gets into planning that you would be interested in helping in some non-specific way would be one way to open up that conversation.

    Just as an example, DH and I paid for the lion's share of our own wedding, but his parents paid for rehearsal dinner and my parents picked up the tab for morning-after brunch. My mom wanted to do more so I put her in charge of gifts for guests. Other things that could be carved up: flowers, music, photography ... the list goes on.

    But I would let her take the lead, and then be prepared to respond with something that you and your husband can see eye to eye on.
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmama View Post
    She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc.
    When and if they actually set a date for the wedding, that might be the time for one of you to say to the step-daughter something like this - "Honey that's wonderful. We are so pleased. We'd like to do something for you both. If there is anything in particular that we can do to help you out with the wedding, just let us know." That could be simply cash, flowers, photographer, dress, reception - whatever. But the key is to see what they really want or need. They may not be going the big white wedding route (and boy I wish I had prevailed and skipped it myself but my father would not hear of it). And maybe all she really wants is a Kitchen Aid Mixer, or a nice couch.

    Now if she responds with a reasonable request or suggestion, you can say "Great, we'll take care of that for you." Of course you get to define "reasonable."

    But if she comes back with something that is beyond your capability, you counter with "Oh dear, I'm afraid that will be more than we can handle, but we'll make a contribution of $xxx or (name item, or service) to help you out along those lines.

    She is still his daughter, and gosh, even if you are somewhat estranged, you are all still family. No matter how distant, or how much you may or may not get along, I think it's always best to keep lines of communication open. In another 20-30 years, the tables may be turned, and you might become very dependent on the step-daughter & husband.

    A gift is something you can give, and then you let go of it. You can not control what the recipient says or does with it. You can't be responsible for any perceived slights. By giving her the opportunity to state their needs first, you have the easier task of determining if you can or want to comply, or you counter with what you can offer.

    Remember the first rule of negotiating - the first person that mentions a dollar amount loses.

    If she turns into Bridezilla, she is only hurting herself, her intended, and her friends. And that case, if it were me, I'd probably have no problem reconsidering the amount or kind of gift.

  8. #8
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    Oh yeah, forgot to mention another potential angst causer for her. My new bike is here. Granted, I put the money down a long time before she made her announcement - but it's a little difficult to cry poor. Of course, she will have no idea how much I paid & I won't tell her (it's a Madone 6.2 with electronic shifters, custom paint, carbon fiber handlebars & other goodies so that will give you an idea...) I will post pictures in another thread.

    OTOH, I worked my butt off for 35 years at a job that I mostly hated, made really good money and kept my eye on the ball (full retirement.) Many days I went to work in tears because of the stress & humiliation that came with my position. I have to keep that in mind.

    The big financial setback that we are experiencing now is our dog needing cataract surgery. He's only 5 years old but nearly blind in one eye and 50% vision in the other. They came up very suddenly, so there is urgency to get this done. We're looking at $4,000 for this.

    So, not a good time for anybody to be asking us for money!
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  9. #9
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    At 36 she should "expect" to be paying for her own wedding and gracefully accept any offers of help from her parents. But that's because, I got married at 19 and we paid for nearly everything ourselves. And I HATED my wedding dress, but it was all I could afford.

    She's not a teenager whom you need to be pussyfooting around because she's still trying to figure herself out. Clearly she's matured into a not very nice person and if she weren't your stepdaughter, you would have nothing to do with her. The only obligation I think you have, is to be cordial and polite.

    The dog and the bike are way more important.

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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muirenn View Post
    I think you need to stop rationalizing/beating yourself up....

    Do exactly what you feel is right for the situation, and stop worrying.
    Amen.
    Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.

    --Mary Anne Radmacher

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muirenn View Post
    I think you need to stop rationalizing/beating yourself up....

    Do exactly what you feel is right for the situation, and stop worrying.
    OK, putting the whip down...
    To train a dog, you must be more interesting than dirt.

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  12. #12
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    I don't disagree SK (dh and I eloped if that tells you want I think of weddings). Certainly, I think it's more than fair for adult children to foot the bill for their own wedding, as most of my friends have. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with parents voluntarily offering a modest amount of assistance if it is within their means to do so. After all, no matter the age of the children, parents often do want to contribute. As far as I can tell from the OP, the step daughter hasn't asked them for money and might not. I got the sense that Dogmama was just trying to figure out if they wanted to volunteer some assistance.
    Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.

    --Mary Anne Radmacher

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by SadieKate View Post
    Apparently you think I couldn't comprehend Dogmama's request? I think I got it all. I said everything you said, just differently.

    I'll delete my post because it was apparently not up to snuff.
    Jeez, SK. Sorry to have offended you, but I think you're overreacting.
    Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Continue to learn. Appreciate your friends. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.

    --Mary Anne Radmacher

  14. #14
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    I got married when I was 29.

    DH's parents gave us $2,000 which we brought our rings with (size U for him so that's why so expensive). My mum brought the cake and Dad a piece of furniture we wanted, and that was it for contributions from the family towards our wedding.

    I suggest cash would be best as a gift unless there's something they actually WANT.

    Put it this way- what would you give another child of yours? To be fair, it should be the same for all siblings, no matter what the situation. Otherwise it might end up biting you back later.

  15. #15
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    I don't know, that just seems like an awkward situation. I'm not sure how close you and the step-daughter are (did you marry her dad when she was younger? Or after she was an adult?) but I don't see my dad's wife being the one to make any decisions about what he gives or doesn't give his kids. But they married after we were adults and we aren't close to her at all. Weren't even invited to the wedding, actually. Dad decides what to give us for what occasions, and she decorates the envelope or the wrapping paper. Not trying to say that you're pushing outside of your boundaries or anything!! Just that I don't know enough about the situation to advise one way or the other. I guess most guys aren't interested in wedding planning in the slightest but I find it odd that her dad isn't helping in the decision.

    Sorry apparently can't read when I'm trying to keep the cat out of the soup. Just noticed you married when she was an older teen. Did she stay primarily with her mom? I'd say a small gift but you aren't obligated to pay for any of the wedding unless her dad really wanted to, and it doesn't sound like he does.
    Last edited by jessmarimba; 01-04-2012 at 04:48 PM. Reason: I'm illiterate

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