Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[bacarver]

Hi TE -

I don't know how well this topic will be received by the forum, but I'll give it a try. We adopted grade-school age siblings in 1995. Lived through about 6 plus years of hell with them. They left at ages 15 and 17 because they didn't want to live with us. It's been almost 10 years since they left, and I'm still bombarded by memories on a daily basis and vivid dreams several nights a week. We have absolutely no contact with them or the nearly 5 year old son that my daughter has.
Not every adoption succeeds and there must be others who have been through this. I need something to help me move on.
I've tried a variety of methods to be at peace with this pain and nothing works.
The investment in adopting children as your own is for life despite the outcome.
I've tried to locate support groups/systems and haven't had any luck. Living in a rural area doesn't help. Adoption support systems are geared toward the matches that are still intact.
Thanks -
Barb

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry that you are sad/disturbed by these memories. It sounds tough. Hope one day you will find an answer for this longing/memory/grieving... whatever. Hope someone walks with you to find the answer to greater wisdom and understanding. You are a good person and have done your best.

On a related topic, last night I was watching a videoclip by a gifted pediatric doctor on brain development and the effect of parenting and child's environment during lst 5 yrs. of life. The years before you received these children into your home. Let me try to find this thing. I'm sure many TE members who work with children, know some of these theories.

http://www.hbs.edu/centennial/busine...hallenges.html Bcarver, this is actually a conference on diversity and management. For an interesting reason, the panel included this doctor, whom you will see with white hair, seated beside the black prof. The black prof. speaks for 5 min. introducing all speakers. But the doctor will speak lst after all introductions. He is an engaging and warm speaker with a real gift for teaching. You can see/hear it.

I think they brought him in to speak to senior managers ..to help them make correlations how important it is to build organizations in a healthy way, (like nuturing a child??) recognize capabilities of people with different needs.

(For TE members, next speaker is about women in senior management (or lack of numbers) of possible interest, totally unrelated to children. Some good stories.)

________________________________________________________________
I'm not a parent and my partner has children from his former marriage.

[Crankin]

I would advocate for counseling to deal with this, because in all reality, you most likely wouldn't find a support group, even in a larger city. It must be heartbreaking, and I am at a loss for words.
But, I *do* know someone whose adoption did not work out. I don't know her well, but she goes to my synagogue. She adopted 2 boys, about 2 years apart. I believe they were infants or toddlers when they were adopted. Just this past year, I found out that the younger boy had serious emotional/behavioral problems, to the point of threatening to kill the parents with knives. They turned him over to DSS and made him a ward of the state. I believe he was around 15. One of my good friends was a teacher assistant in the special needs class he was in during middle school.
I know that this doesn't exactly match up with your situation, but I know this woman's life has been living hell because of it.

[Biciclista]

I know of a woman who adopted a little boy who had been abused. She shared a home with her sister and her sister's husband and they figured with the 3 of them they could overcome the serious problems that little boy had.
The woman bore another child and her sister had two more, but the hardest child for them all was that boy. He finally got big enough that when he had his tantrums, they had to call 911 and he often ended up restrained and/or drugged and incarcerated.
They finally found a "military academy" for boys like him. They see him twice a year. he's only 12. You're not alone. It has got to be so traumatic. Aren't there any support groups for folks like you?

[Eden]

Taking on older children is never easy and what they went through before you adopted them may have been too damaging for you to change. Even with infants it doesn't always work out wonderfully. Not that this may not have been the same story even with biological children, but I do think that the person I know may have been a fetal alcohol baby (and who knows what else..)

My aunt and uncle were unable to have children and adopted two girls as infants. The first one was a real terror..... she was probably a psychopath and showed it from the time she was a baby.... She abused animals as a small child, terrorized other children (including and probably worst her sister) had extraordinarily poor self esteem and generally acted very poorly.

I won't excuse them from all of it - they turned a blind eye to a lot of her behavior, but I do definitely think that nature had something to do with it.

My aunt and uncle never gave up on her. She got pregnant in high school and ended up moving out. She eventually married and had another child and it seemed like she was actually settling down a bit when she over dosed and died from prescription medicines.

My other cousin, for all she went through as a child is pretty normal. She went to college and married recently. She does however suffer from panic attacks...

[shootingstar]

I do want to preface that I've known several people in my generation who were adopted, are loved and are just fine.

I did have a close childhood friend, we were pals into early 30's friendship where I knew her family well. Her parents adopted boy when he was around 3-4 yrs. old At times, through the years I would hear of the problems with her brother. Total contrast to rest of his 3 sisters. He got into crime, several times in jail, drugs, etc. Didn't finish high school. Left home. He did eventually clean up and married a nice woman. I met her.

Then several years later, I heard he died. He was only in his late 20's. The reason for his death was never really given. Like a dark cloud hanging over the family.

For a totally different family, I've always wondered of what happened to this huge family, that we knew where a Caucasian couple (professors) had 2 natural children and adopted 5 other children..wide range of backgrounds, several black, 2 native Indian, etc. This was highly atypical in small southern Ontario city when I was growing up to have a large family of primarily adopted children. At the time, it was source of curiosity because it was predominantly white city at the time.

Even as children we knew some of the adopted children had some learning (meaning disruptive) challenges in the classroom since some were in classes with some of my siblings.

[salsabike]

Bacarver, I have a close friend who had an adoption that did not work and was later rescinded, and have worked with a couple of parents who have experienced this. You are definitely not alone. Let me check with the close friend when I get back to work next week to see if she has any support group info---she may well---or other resources for you. I am sorry. Very painful stuff. Please know that with the best will in the world, you can't always make things work for other people, and that this is not your fault.

[bacarver]

"My son"/the boy we adopted was taken away in handcuffs 3 weeks after his 15th birthday. He was defiant, had attacked us, and we were fearful of him. He then went to a psych hospital, then to a children's treatment facility, then back into foster care where he aged out.
We signed papers allowing "our daughter"/the girl to marry 2 days after she turned 17. She refused to live at our house any longer and there was nothing we could do. She despised us.
I would like to connect with others who have been through this. But, I don't want to gripe. I want to deal with this, adjust, and move on in a healthy direction. I cannot imagine another 10 years of daily flashbacks and distressing dreams.
Thanks for listening.
Barb

[blackhillsbiker]

My best friend in Wyoming adopted 2 sets of sibling Russian children. What with fetal alcohol syndrome, oppositional-defiance, reactive-attachment disorder, sexual abuse issues and learning disabilities, their lives were chaos. I didn't realize until then that there are some early damages that cannot be undone, regardless of love and parenting. It tore up their marriage. I'm not exactly sure where she (my friend) is now. It all got to be too much for her. I suspect that there are lots of people in the same situation as you. I know that internet support groups aren't the same as being in the same room as others, but there are probably some decent ones out there. Counseling is also a good suggestion. I hope you are able to find some assistance in dealing with this.

Big hugs,
Deb

[copperlegend]

bacarver:

As someone that is adopted (27 years ago, as a newborn, as far as i am concerned my parents are MY PARENTS) I want to thank you for adopting. It may not help with the pain you feel with your specific situation, but people like you are a godsend, even when things don't turn out wonderfully. I hope one day you find some sort of solace.

*hug*

[Owlie]

My biology teacher's sister adopted two Russian brothers when they were about six and eight, I think. They had been malnourished and had spent much of their lives effectively alone. They were unholy terrors for a long time. He said they're doing better--physical work for the older one seems to help a lot.

A friend of mine was adopted, as was her (non-biological) brother, both as infants. They've both got some issues, but the brother's were worse. He'd get into a lot of trouble at school, and ended up threatening his sister. Long story short, she got sent to a school in Virginia (I don't know the whole story), they got some kind of help for the boy. My friend wound up dropping out of college and is now working at a bakery.

[Aggie_Ama]

My father was adopted at 7 when his alcoholic biological father gave him to the state. My Nanny and Pawpaw tried to take in both his biological brothers as fosters to keep them a complete family. Both brothers were older and had various problems, the only one I really know of is constantly stealing from my Dad and no amount of direction would stop it. My Nanny and Pawpaw only ending up raising my father because the others had no desire to be in a home environment, they would skip school and disappear for days as young teenagers. They bounced around from relative to relative then jail. One my father now has a relationship with, one he never has. I commend you for trying, my father's family situation isn't as severe as your but I know it pained my grandparents that they tried to do right by the family. I am sure you are not alone, I hope you are able to find the support you need.

[Trek420]

bacarver: .... people like you are a godsend, even when things don't turn out wonderfully. I hope one day you find some sort of solace.

*hug*

+1. People who adopt are wonderful and to be commended. Thank you for adopting, I'm very sorry to hear that it was so tough. I wish there was more support for adoptive families. Maybe then more people would adopt. There are so many kids who need a family.

[badger]

it seems not too uncommon to have not-so-happy endings for parents who adopt. I'm surprised there are no formal help groups. I hope you'll be able to find some comfort somewhere.

My former boss and his wife has two natural children but also adopted two First Nations siblings. They both had fetal alcohol syndrome and proved nothing but trouble. The girl ran away constantly, finally ended up pregnant and moved back to her native Saskatchewan when she was 17. Her brother became involved in drugs and alcohol and was physicially abusive to the family. He also moved back to Saskatchewan when he was about 17.

They were given all the same opportunities as their two natural children but I guess the nature proved stronger than nurture.

I also saw a program once on people who adopted children from foreign countries who have had nothing but trouble. There's even a "camp" for them where there is a woman who is a child-whisperer of sorts. She uses her farm to rehabilitate these children. They don't come back perfect by any means, and some never go back because the parents can't handle them anymore. It was quite startling.

[cylegoddess]

Hope this helps some.
My husbands aunt adopted 2 girls from Korea. One has turned out pretty well, great grades, a dancer, spoiled rotten is the worst of her faults!
The other, a cheeky sort of girl - also gone bad. History of monstrous behavior including throwing a pool ball at her sisters nose, pysch ward, antidepressants, running up credit cards, accusing someone of rape( and we made SURE that she was or wasnt, esp me - seeing as I have been raped), the list goes on and on.
There is a book, called building better babies. Its about how you can make super intelligent , healthy babies. It also get syou to thinking how bad most people eat, and what they do on a daily basis to their body's - isnt so hot for children.
It is such a big big thing not to smoke or drink or take drugs , to have proper nutrition.
Im sure you did your very best.