Need support, really struggling

[NbyNW]

(((Badger)))
I have no wisdom to share, only hugs and support. Please take good care of yourself.

[hirakukibou]

Actually, NbyNW, "Take good care of yourself" is wisdom that I echo. I have found in all my depression and grief that the best thing I can do for myself and others, IS to take care of myself and that is an active process. I hope that you and your bf find your way through this together. (((((((((Badger))))))))

[badger]

I can only take care of myself at this moment, butI'm thrown back about 10 years in terms of anxiety management. I haven't felt this horrible in that period of time.

I had a good day yesterday where I got a lot accomplished. I saw a counsellor (I'll see her again more properly tomorrow, yesterday was a 30 minute free trial), got my car's spark plug changed, and had a great meeting with my friend who is going through a horrible break up and have been going through similar problems. I felt okay and hopeful.

I slept well last night but after waking up made the mistake of going online searching for partners who push you away in grief. Turns out it's not that unusual for loving partners to suddenly out of the blue break up after they lose a parent. Granted in my situation it's not a parent but the stories are similar enough to my situation that it really has put me back into a dark place. They all wondered how they could push away someone who is the closest to them, but usually it's because the one who is grieving simply doesn't have anything in them for a relationship. They may reach out to friends but they're not obligated as they are to a partner.

All I can do now is hope that he is not on that path and that somehow him taking proactive steps to halt his depression will be enough to not cut me out of his life.

[emily_in_nc]

I slept well last night but after waking up made the mistake of going online searching for partners who push you away in grief. Turns out it's not that unusual for loving partners to suddenly out of the blue break up after they lose a parent. Granted in my situation it's not a parent but the stories are similar enough to my situation that it really has put me back into a dark place. They all wondered how they could push away someone who is the closest to them, but usually it's because the one who is grieving simply doesn't have anything in them for a relationship. They may reach out to friends but they're not obligated as they are to a partner.

Keep in mind that most people who post about this are going to be those who have either left or been left by a partner in this situation. The ones that find their way back to each other, like I did with my DH after losing my father, aren't as likely to post since things turned out okay in the end. I never for one minute considered leaving my DH -- I needed him and never stopped loving him, even though he couldn't really relate to what I was going through, and despite the fact that I needed to share more with my family members who had a similar depth of emotion for my dad as I did, for awhile.

I'm glad the experience I shared above was helpful, badger. I am sure that breakups do occur, as Mimi posted and as you found from your online searches, but please don't think it's inevitable. Keep up with the meditation to help with the anxiety and don't give up!

[SheFly]

I'm going to echo Emily. Four years ago next month, my younger brother committed suicide. This was my second experience with this (the first being in high school). I am in a VERY loving and supportive marriage. However, I, too, pushed my DH away during that time, and again last year when I lost my beloved grandmother. In high school, I pushed my mother away in favor of being with my BF's mother and father. Like Emily, I reached out to those around me who knew what the experience was like, who knew my brother and grandmother, who could relate to ME directly. I still grieve, even today, even one, four and twenty-six years later. But, I always return to the love and support of my DH.

I have also seen firsthand what these losses have done to my parents, and to the parents of my high school boyfriend. Both have stayed together, and in at least one case, despite some major difficulties in the first months/year following the loss. It is NOT an inevitable fact that your BF will leave you. Like others have said, I believe that he is reaching out to the widow because of their shared connection, trying to keep memories alive.

Five weeks is not a long time in the grieving process, either for you or your BF. Continue to take care of yourself. Continue to go to counselling. Continue to spend time with your friends, and continue to trust in what sounds like a good relationship with your BF.

Hugs to you.

SheFly

[badger]

Well, the topic of antidepressants came up during the initial session on Saturday. I've had anxiety pretty much my whole life (since about the age of six if you can believe it). I've gone through a lot of cognitive behavioural therapy as well as other forms in the past 20 years but never took drugs and was proud of that. However, this particular therapist did suggest that sometimes it's beneficial to take something that will be ale to open a pathway into utilizing CBT more effectively if the low grade depression or anxiety weren't so prominent.

I wasn't going to because I didn't like all the horror stories of the side effects, but I'm going to give it a try because I've always been negative, "the glass is half empty" type of person and I'm sure it's no coincidence that people at work think I'm this miserable, cranky person. I've always avoided situations, people, and activities because I'm always afraid (afraid of everything). What if I've been blind all my life, getting by just feeling around when I can open my eyes and see?

Regardless of what happens with my bf, I need to work on being happy, and I can't say I have ever been (in life). So I am going to try this drug and see if it will make a difference.

As for my bf, I got a text from him this morning when I wasn't expecting to and was very encouraged but then he later texted to say he will decide tomorrow morning if he will take some sick days or come in. Sometimes I wish time will just fly by because sometimes a day just takes too long to pass.

[Penny4]

..... I've always been negative, "the glass is half empty" type of person and I'm sure it's no coincidence that people at work think I'm this miserable, cranky person. I've always avoided situations, people, and activities because I'm always afraid (afraid of everything). What if I've been blind all my life, getting by just feeling around when I can open my eyes and see?

Really sorry for your struggles, this sounds like a difficult situation for you and your BF. I hope the counseling and anti depressants help. I don't have anxiety, but do have the low grade depression and have felt the fear you mention...fear of rejection, fear of criticism, fear of failing....so I just don't try things, don't talk to new people, etc. Things came to a head last year, and I finally went to a pysch. I didn't want to take anything either ,but I knew I needed help. I've been on Welbutrin for a year, and have been doing better. I've had only very minor side effects, but nothing to make me consider stopping. I hope you have success with both the counseling and medication. Good for you for seeking support for yourself....that is really hard to do sometimes.

[Wahine]

Just (((((Hugs))))) that's all. I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said.

[Bike Writer]

Regardless of what happens with my bf, I need to work on being happy

This statement sounds like you are making progress with counseling. Sometimes facing our worst fear and asking ourselves the unimaginable question can lift a burden from us. This sounds like oversimplification and stating the obvious but it's the fear that makes us afraid and anxious. When you face that fear square on, imagine the worst possible outcome then you have already removed a fair amount of anxiety and fear. What we fear most is the unknown. What will happen? What will I be? How will I go on? All legitimate questions and fears, but staring them down makes them less big and scary. Sounds like your counselor has you focusing on you - good counseling.

It can be a scary world out there, I hope everything works out for your very best and that happiness and serenity is around the corner for you.

[indysteel]

Badger, I think you're taking some very positive steps in the right direction. As for meds, please do not feel like a failure, embarrassed or ashamed that you have decided to try them. Would you feel the same way if, for instance, you had to take a drug for allergies, a sluggish thyroid or for high blood pressure? Depression and anxiety is no different from any other disease that can be managed or better managed with medication. As for the side effects, just be sure to talk to your therapist/doctor about any you experience and about whether the drug is actually making you feel better. From what I undertand, it often takes some trial and error to find the right script and the right doseage.

If you're willing to share, how consistently have you been in conventional therapy? I'm a big believer in CBT and I've seen a therapist myself for over ten years. During on of my first visits with my therapist, she told me that in her experience, it takes 3-5 years of regular CBT to consistently feel better. Now that seemed like a long time at the outset, but in the end, the time (and financial) investment has been well worth it. Her prediction was right; I started to see significant gains at about the 3 year mark and felt mostly "healed" (if that's possible) by year five. I've mostly stuck with it since then because I actually enjoy my appointments with her, and I've had some big life changes over the past few years. I think I could stop though with no ill effect. I'd add that one of the things that coincided with feeling tons better was the start of my yoga practice. I have no concrete idea of why it helped so much, but it did. It just makes me feel more at peace with myself. I know Crankin recommends it to some of her patients; perhaps she can better explain why.

I bring that up to encourage you to stick with CBT over the long haul if you can afford it. It takes time to reinforce new thoughts patterns ans ways of dealing our stressors. I wish you the best in this journey. There is must to be gained from simply taking these first big steps toward emotional wellness.

[Crankin]

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

[spokewench]

I'm really sorry for what you are going through Badger. I really have no thoughts about what to do to help you. I think the counselor is really a good thing; - it can help you deal with the grief from the loss of your friend as well as whatever is going on with your husband. You can try to be supportive but you cannot make your hubby do the right things right now. He is dealing with his grief the only way he knows how to also. I would hope that you could tell him how devastated you are about how distant he is and ask him to try to see a counselor as well. Again, I'm not sure what solution there is because grief is a different for everyone. I am just hopeful that you will figure a way to get through this

spokewench

[indysteel]

To answer your question, Indy, there are a couple of reasons I recommend yoga to treat both anxiety and depression. The first reason is that yoga works on calming the physical manifestations of anxiety by decreasing neurotransmitters that raise your anxiety. Recent research done here at BU shows that yoga actually can do the same thing as some of the medications that are prescribed. The other reason is that yoga is actually a system of psychology in the Eastern tradition. Here, we see it more as exercise; we hold feelings and memories in the physical body and yoga can release these feelings. This is why you might cry in a yoga session or why you feel better. It's also why there is a lot of work being done with vets to treat trauma, using yoga. One of my goals is to become a certified yoga therapist.

Thank you for that explanation; it certainly mirrors what I've experienced in yoga, especially during the first year or so of my practice.

When I first started my practice in 2006, I was going through a difficult relationship/breakup and I admittedly cried during a lot of my classes because many of my emotions were pretty close to the surface. At the time, I had a teacher who offered a reading at the end of class. It might be a passage from Rumi, for instance; I wasn't always sure of the source material. A lot of what she shared had to do with self acceptance and self love. The passages often resonated in a way that prompted tears on my end. There was also a lot of things we did during class that offered a very tangible sense of release and that, too, often prompted an emotional reaction in me.

With or without tears, I often left class feeling less burdened and more joyful. I also started to feel a growing sense of gratitude for the various experiences--both in the present and in the past--that I'd had in my life and a growing trust that I could cope with whatever came my way. Yoga helped me tie together a lot of the things that I'd been working on in CBT for a long time.I've never spent much time trying to understand why it did what it did. I just know that I loved it and still do. On it's more superficial level, it offers a weekly dose of stress relief, but I truly believe there wa more to it than that.

[Triskeliongirl]

I have been married for 28 years, and I can tell you in all that time that I have learned that *its not always about you*. You are interpreting your boyfriends withdrawing from you emotionally to mean there is a problem with you and your relationship with him, but the most likely thing is that he is just dealing with his own grief in the best way he can. I think you are doing all the right things, getting counseling, seeing that he gets counseling and medication, but beyond that, I think you just need to disengage a bit from this emotionally yourself, give him the space he needs to heal right now, and don't stress yourself out by assuming the worst. Whenever I have had to go through stressful events in my life, I have always gotten a lot of relief from physical activity, so even simple things like riding your bike can help to keep your brain chemistry in check. I am sorry that you are going through this, but just try be calm, and only worry about your boyfriend leaving you if he says that is his intention.

[goldfinch]

My whole life I also have tended towards being an anxious person so I empathize. For a period of time I took an antidepressant which helps for generalized anxiety disorder. It helped. Keep in mind most of them take a few weeks to start working. After I retired and had less stresses in my life I gradually stopped taking them. I still once in a while take a Xanax (immediate acting tranquilizer). I don't tend towards addictive use of drugs so the Xanax works for me. I figure my brain chemistry is a bit out of whack so if chemicals can help me I am willing to try. Just like my blood pressure is high and I need drugs to help with that. It seems like the best medicine has to offer right now is trying both the drugs and the cognitive therapy. Use of meditation and yoga may make sense too. For me, meditation never worked as I have an odd problem of relaxation induced anxiety. Movement like yoga, or dance or even biking is more helpful to me.