self-confidence issues

[jessmarimba]

My boyfriend is good friends with a woman I've never met. I don't have a problem with this - she seems pretty awesome. She's run Boston. She heli-skis. She routinely takes cycling vacations to ride major cycling race stages. You name it, I'd love to do it (if I had her salary and vacation time).

I've finally pieced things together and figured out that they used to date pretty seriously. Also not a problem, I'm good friends with a couple of my exes. But I'm kind of stuck on the fact that everything athletic we both do, she's WAY better at. And days like today, when my back is screaming and arguing with even mild exercise, I start comparing, and dwelling on things, and wondering what on earth I have to offer. My boyfriend is a sweetheart and has been so supportive of my athletic accomplishments and I know he's sincere, but I need to figure out how to get this out of my head and I don't know how. I've never been all that competitive about running or biking or whatever but I feel like I have to find something I'm good at. Better at. Ugh. Any help?

[Veronica]

He's not with her, he's with you. You win.

Veronica

[sgtiger]

jessmarimba - It may not be apparent to you, but there's a reason he's not with her anymore.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I've never been all that competitive about running or biking or whatever but I feel like I have to find something I'm good at. Better at.

How about that you are 'better at' having a relationship? Surely that trumps being better at running or biking?

[jessmarimba]

Thanks guys. You're right.

I think I'm just tired of hurting and impatient with not being where I was a year ago with anything and I'm trying to find a place to project that. But I never could've beat her at anything athletic then either

Oh how I wish health insurance in the U.S. covered pilates, etc. as physical therapy. It is costing me a small fortune just to continue functioning as well as I do. If I just went with the 4-6 weeks of PT prescribed, I'd be sitting on my couch collecting disability and eating oreos all day. (Well, probably not, but there are days that sounds really appealing). As I finish off my rocky road ice cream...

[lph]

Jess, I "had" one of those. It helped meeting her and sizing up the competition, so to speak. It's an irrational feeling, so don't count on being able to rationalize it away. You may have to figure out how to put yourself in a situation where you feel more confident. It won't happen in an athletic setting, but meeting her in a social setting might, with your boyfriend.

[indysteel]

What Lisa said so well. You are so much more than your athletic abilities and accomplishments. Have you ever talked to your BF about these feelings? Perhaps he can offer some reassurance that will make you feel better. Otherwise, take heart that he is, as Veronica stated, wíth you and not her.

[ClockworkOrange]

Hey Jess, perhaps you are forgetting the respect and admiration your boyfriend has for you, after your accident last July 2010. Don’t forget I am four months ahead of you with a repairing broken back and I now realise all I have gone through and it has not been easy.

It’s not only our bodies that have had to heal but our emotions and I don’t know about you but it has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster for me, especially with my partner. You endured so much, at the time your Mum was many hundreds of miles away and apart from the wrecked bike, you had surgery to fuse a couple of vertebrae and then finally end up with a scary bill of around $145k, OK covered by insurance but still a lot of money.

My GP explained to me that when our bodies have gone through major trauma, it takes a long while for things to get back to normal and because of this, we begin to feel that we are weak and not coping, quite the opposite really, all part of the very long healing process.

................”And days like today, when my back is screaming and arguing with even mild exercise, I start comparing, and dwelling on things, and wondering what on earth I have to offer.” So instances that we would generally not notice, at the moment everything is exagerated.

Only my British 'two-penneth'.

Remember, you are being good at being you, that’s why your boyfriend is with you.

Massive hugs.

PS You are still healing, it takes approximately two years for the spine to heal properly.

[sundial]

Jess, your body is healing from a big traumatic event and your mind will experience periods of the blues and you'll feel self doubt on occassion. It's just part of the healing process. It may take you a year or more before you even begin to feel 100%. When it gets overwhelming just remember that every day is a new day and this too shall pass.

[NbyNW]

Clockwork is wise. Injuries like yours and the healing process that follows are transformative. They can put a strain on relationships and they can make relationships stronger.

It can take years to get your health and fitness to where you would like it to be following a serious injury. Don't be so hard on yourself, and please don't waste your precious energy comparing yourself to someone who hasn't walked a mile in your shoes.

A little frustration and blues are a natural part of the process. Hopefully it runs its course in a few days and you can get back to the business of taking care of yourself, productively and positively. If it gets too hard, though, talk to someone. Talk to us, talk to a professional, talk to your BF. Don't let it fester.

((hugs))

[jessmarimba]

Thanks all. I teared up a little reading your responses. I have good days and bad days, and while I get so excited celebrating the little things I've accomplished, sometimes little frustrations are overwhelming. Getting back out on the trails yesterday helped reassure me a lot - I'm climbing better than I was before I wrecked. Hopefully that's enough "good" to sustain me through a couple more down times (and I know they'll happen eventually).

You guys are great Sorry to bring the sob story here, but I don't think most people who know me in real life understand why I get frustrated. Thanks for everything!!

[sundial]

It really does help to have the support of folks here at TE. Jess, I've been a little weepy the last couple of days so I'm in another one of those blue periods. But someday all will be well again.

[bouncybouncy]

I don't really have anything to add except...what a touching story! We are all human and it is so great to see a huge amount of support from 'virtual friends'!!!

[ClockworkOrange]

Thanks all. I teared up a little reading your responses. I have good days and bad days, and while I get so excited celebrating the little things I've accomplished, sometimes little frustrations are overwhelming. Getting back out on the trails yesterday helped reassure me a lot - I'm climbing better than I was before I wrecked. Hopefully that's enough "good" to sustain me through a couple more down times (and I know they'll happen eventually).

You guys are great Sorry to bring the sob story here, but I don't think most people who know me in real life understand why I get frustrated. Thanks for everything!!

Hey Jess, it's hearing other peoples concerns/problems etc that makes all of us feel normal, I doubt if there are many people on TE that don't get like this at some time or other and if they don't, then they are extremely fortunate.

.......well, not too often.