Dear So and So

[rebeccaC]

I think maybe the need to belong is stronger than the need for close friends.

I’d rather feel my need for belonging with a few very close friendships than any number of group casual relationships. Well, groups that allow reasoned non-conformity would be better ….but yeah I do see the power of belongingness.....especially being part of something bigger and more important than ourselves.

Dear Mother
Yes! We are coming to watch the Tour de France come through Gordes during its Mont Ventoux stage …and on Bastille day!!!!

[emily_in_nc]

My point was that I think everybody, no matter how social or introverted or extroverted, needs to belong to a group somehow.

Then I am in trouble. Now that I am retired, I no longer belong to any sort of "group". I have individual friends scattered all over, some out of the US, but no social group, no work group, no clubs, etc. And since we are traveling full-time, it would be very hard to become part of any group.

Then again, other than a work group, I have never been a "group person". Never joined a sorority, never really had a group of friends; rather, individual friends, only a few of whom knew each other. I've just always been more of an individual or (usually) part of a couple. I had a boyfriend all the way through high school and college (different ones), and married youngish (24), and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Other than our extended families, which I guess you could say are a form of group, we just aren't in any groups.

I think social relationships (friendships, family, etc) are important, but groups, not necessarily. Not for we odd birds, anyway!

[rocknrollgirl]

Then I am in trouble. Now that I am retired, I no longer belong to any sort of "group". I have individual friends scattered all over, some out of the US, but no social group, no work group, no clubs, etc. And since we are traveling full-time, it would be very hard to become part of any group.

Then again, other than a work group, I have never been a "group person". Never joined a sorority, never really had a group of friends; rather, individual friends, only a few of whom knew each other. I've just always been more of an individual or (usually) part of a couple. I had a boyfriend all the way through high school and college (different ones), and married youngish (24), and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Other than our extended families, which I guess you could say are a form of group, we just aren't in any groups.

I think social relationships (friendships, family, etc) are important, but groups, not necessarily. Not for we odd birds, anyway!

Emily,
You and I need to form a group. You just described my life exactly.

I am currently on the outs with a "group" at work ( teachers) because the social politics got to be too much during a stressful year and I just said enough. I feel like I am the one in high school again and I pissed off the popular kids. When do we get to be done with this stuff?

[Crankin]

Teachers are the worst, when it comes to this stuff at work. It's a hazard, I'd say of being a female dominated profession. The mean girls rule.
However, I'd say that while I was part of a group in my last teaching job, it was based on work stuff. And, in middle schools, you work on a team, and that bond can be very strong. What got to me was teachers constantly complaining about their husbands and how stressed they were from their kids. Once in awhile I would pipe in and say, "My husband does not do that." I stopped socializing with work people long ago.
I am very social and have had several groups through out my life. But I have found the principle of "friendly, not friends," (which I used to teach my students, so they could tolerate working with others) needs to be applied at work. One of the reasons I like working in my clinic is that I don't have to socialize with anyone. I meet with my supervisor 1X a week and I casually talk to other therapists. But, I could come in and shut my door and never talk to anyone, if I wanted to. The other therapists are nice and we actually have stuff in common, but I am not going to pursue friendships there.
I am still pretty upset about our friends moving to Amherst. I get very bored without social plans and our other friends are more the just go out to dinner types. Over the years, our commonalities have diminished. I had a huge group of friends as a kid, a group of 5 close friends in HS, and tons of acquaintances, before I moved. I was active in student government and spent my childhood roaming the streets of my neighborhood with a huge group of kids, on my bike. While I do spend the majority of time with my DH, sometimes that gets on my nerves and makes me feel isolated. I even feel antsy at night, because after teaching for so long, I still am not used to not having tons of work to do when I get home. Last night, I said I was bored, and DH told me I was nuts! I'd say one of the only downsides of moving back to MA was that too many people here just hang out with their families, because a lot of them never moved away. Always obligations with parents, siblings, extended families. In AZ my friends were our family, and everyone was in the same boat.

[Helene2013]

I have very little time to "socialize" and I don't miss any of it. Used to when in my 20s but now in my 50s, I prefer to do stuff on my own ground/schedule. I turn down most work events (unless at lunch and even then!) as I have no interest to use my evening time for them. I'm very happy to work with them and have fun, but my time after work is mine. We used to be so busy going from one friend to the next that we ended up rushing to get our stuff done. So little by little, those friends stopped sending us invites and we lost contact. I don't miss it. At all.

Sure I have a friend here and there for a lunch or dinner but that limits the interaction. I have more than enough of my job, house, motorhome, hubby and my 6 pets to keep me busy. No time to whine and get bored. hihi I don't have enough in a week to do all I want to get done.

I'm sure we are far from being alone in that situation.

[shootingstar]

I guess most of my life I'm like Emily_nc. I sorta tried to belong in a group in high school but got bored or never fitted in completely in a group all the time. I even had a very close friend for over 15 yrs. of my life ...she was popular and hung out with group of "in" friends whom I related well with all but never "belonged". So she and I were pals on our own.

I just seem to collect a few very good friends who I keep for past few decades, across Canada and socialize individually when I see them. I'm fine with socializing superficially with others, but after awhile just like go off..cycling on my own.

If I didn't have the 1 very good local friend, I'd probably dislike the city where I live a lot more. I work for the municipality and for certain, working within govn't, I learned much more quickly about the city in a more intimate way and about local stuff.

[Crankin]

Wow, I can't imagine not socializing with friends. I guess I am at a point in my life that I don't have that many obligations. No kids at home, someone else cleans my house, and while I do have a bit of work from my job to do at home, it's intermittent. I'd venture to say that DH and I have been out, mostly with friends, just about every Saturday night of our marriage. Once in awhile we have a weekend of nothing, except riding alone, but that feels lonely to me. Don't get me wrong, I am not partying every night of the week, after work, I almost never go out after work. I think most of my life has been sooooo busy, I feel at a loss when there's nothing planned. At one point, I was teaching full time, had 2 young kids, taught religious school on Sundays, and also taught 3-7 classes a week at the gym. I also was on the board at the JCC. So, that is the normal for me. When I taught, I was on tons of committees and did a lot of work on curriculum and grants. It just seems like I have way too much time now; I have been pondering going up to working 4 days a week instead of 3, but I think i might regret that.

[Helene2013]

Also we get up at 4:15 a.m. for work. So normally, by 9-9:15pm we're in bed. So that leaves little time to go out or get stuff done as we get home at around 5 p.m. I don't have anyone to mow my grass, clean the house, do my laundry, walk the dogs, etc. So my downtime is used for all of this. Just last night we had to rush home to mow the grass/weed eater before another rain pour came down. We finished at 7 p.m. (in the rain), had a quick bite, took care of pets and then first thing I knew, I was already in bed. Time goes by way too fast. During the week, I have no time for cycling (even less socializing). If I do, it has to be on the trainer at home so I can throw a toy to a dog at same time. At least, doing my gym at home, frees a bit some time for them. And it does not bother me at all as they are a huge part of our lives.

I cannot wait to retire in 2-4 years, sell this home and get something way smaller and less time consuming. Unfortunately, by the time we are retired, probably 3 of the 6 pets (if not more) will be dead (old age and sick). I'm sure I will find that I too, have too much time on my hands.

[emily_in_nc]

I have tons of time on my hands now that I am retired, but I love it and only very rarely feel bored. I am reading lots, blogging, cooking, chatting with friends online, processing photos from our hikes, bike rides, and sight-seeing, and planning our travels. I spend a lot of time outdoors since we're traveling in our motorhome and staying in parks and campgrounds. I do miss going to yoga practice and doing volunteer work with the dog rescue in Playa del Carmen (tho' that was only one day per week, it was still very social), but socializing with friends is a very infrequent thing for us now. When we go back to NC, we do a little socializing, and occasionally we'll meet up with a friend in some other state in our travels, but overall, DH and I are pretty solitary folks. We're friendly to other folks we meet in the campground, but that has never progressed to having drinks or a meal together yet. And we're fine with that.

I used to love going out in the evenings when I was younger, but I hate it now. We take a long walk with our dog after dinner (great for the metabolism), then wind down and start getting ready for bed. We don't watch much TV, but I love a few shows on Create (Chef and the Farmer, America's Test Kitchen, Martha Bakes) and will relax and enjoy them in the evening. I also shower at night rather than in the mornings now since I'm not working.

[Pax]

I miss having a social life. Since moving to FL I haven't met anyone I'd want to socialize with, the activities seem to center on drinking, and while I enjoy my beverages, going out to get sloshed just doesn't appeal. I had hoped once I got back to work that would change, but apparently, I work in the only library in the western hemisphere where the staff are all hard core conservatives. Libraries are normally bastions of liberal, free thinking, social justice type folks, so this is really bizarre.

So far I've been invited to a Trump rally, the local gun range, and church. *sigh*

[Aromig]

I work in a male-dominated field and I find it much easier to socialize with the guys than the girls because its easier (the mean girls are REALLY mean). I do enjoy going to lunch with my work friends, and sometimes we'll have a quick drink (45 minutes or so) after work to socialize. I commute and lose time that way, and am always busy with kid stuff so my work friends satisfy my need to be social yet fits in with my schedule.

[lph]

Sorry, as usual I was generalizing too much :-) I didn't actually mean to say that everybody has to belong to a group. I was thinking specifically about this one person, and musing over the difference between having close friends, casual friends, and just loosely belonging to a social group, even one that doesn't necessarily like you, but where you at least have a defined place.

Ach, I was going to write more but it's really hard to make sensible sentences today. It just makes sense in my head :-P

[lph]

So far I've been invited to a Trump rally, the local gun range, and church. *sigh*

Bwa-ha-haa! Sorry, Pax, but that was pretty funny... :-D

[Pax]

Bwa-ha-haa! Sorry, Pax, but that was pretty funny... :-D

It actually is pretty funny, it's like living inside a caricature.

[Crankin]

Nice, Pax. I did laugh, but it's not funny.
I also get up super early, between 4:5 and 5:30 AM, even though I don't have to anymore. I go to bed around 10, but I am often in the bed, reading or watching TV at 9. I exercise in the mornings. Sometimes I do laundry. We live in a townhouse now, so no big outdoor work, but I rarely did that before. DH started out loving yard work and gardening, but after he had been cycling awhile, it took up too much time. We hired people for that, too. In Arizona, it was dirt cheap. When we first moved here, DH did it, until like I said, cycling took over our lives.
We don't have pets for the very reason mentioned by Helene. Too much work, time, and responsibility. We did have a cat for 14 years, and when she died, that was it.
Emily, I wish I could be content, like you, but when I totally (and briefly) stopped working, I felt isolated and bereft of connections. I like working part time, as for me, my job is extremely stressful, and hardly anyone does it 5 days a week. I read and exercise, but after 10 years of cycling with the same groups, I haven't made close friends with any of them, except for my friends who are moving. There are 2 other couples we know from AMC that we socialize with occasionally, and I think we may have to up that. We like them, but they won't be traveling with us, like our other friends.
Aromig, I totally feel like you do. It is often easier for me to socialize with men. Of course, I have worked in 2 female dominated fields, but I really notice it in cycling groups. In the winter, less women go on group rides, and I always find a different dynamic. I like the guys I ride with, they are down to earth and interesting. The women are OK, but not friendly, or trying to drop me!