Bad husband! No nookie!

[Tuckervill]

We were home alone Tuesday and seeing that the house was empty, we were awake, and we rarely get any privacy with a 15 year old at home, we decided to take a ride. A bike ride! (Get your mind out of the gutter!)


About a mile in, I had to make him stop because my knees were complaining--I told him to go on and I would be right behind him, eventually.

As he pedaled away I noticed my front tire was flat (I'd just spent a couple of days trying to get a new tire on the bike, and finally I let him do it with his super-thumbs). I hollered after him and told him to go on and I would walk home. "are you sure?" "ya, ya, go finish the ride". He's training for a ride and I'm not so I didn't want to interrupt his training, and there was only about an hour of daylight left.

Since I was near the town trail, I decided to take that way home. I walked about 50 yards with my road shoes on and decided I could walk gingerly in my socks and not bother my knees so much, so I took the shoes off. (I encountered 3 cyclists on the trail and not a one of them asked if they could help, by the way.)

Midway home I stopped at a friend's diner and took in a glass of water and had a visit, rested my knees. Texted husband that I'd stopped there. Stayed about 20 minutes, and then continued pushing the bike home. About half way there I realized I was getting blisters on the balls of my feet from walking so gingerly (I do NOT like walking on rocks, but I thought I was protecting my knees. HA!).

Finally home and hobbling, I walk down the hall to the bathroom to find that he is IN THE SHOWER! What the...? He came all the way home, found I wasn't there, and instead of calling me to find out where he can pick me up, he gets in the SHOWER???

His lame-o excuse was that he thought I came home, changed the tube and went out again?? He knew I couldn't get the new tire on by myself. Grrrrr...

So, allow me to rant and get this off my chest.

I'm feeling much anger over this, mostly because, although he did act sheepish, he never actually apologized--just made excuses. I feel like the kid who got left at the rest stop on the family vacation. Except it's not funny. Now I have blisters on my feet and my IT band is irritated so much more for walking with my toes up, and it may not be well enough to ride my bike in Vermont next month! I can't work out because of the blister on my right foot and so the goals I've been trying to get motivated to reach are on hold yet again due to something ELSE, like it has been for months! I used to think he was a considerate person, but now I think he's just becoming a self-centered old man! I'm trying to have a sense of humor about it, but his inconsiderateness is having real consequences for me, and therefore I can't laugh. And to top it off, our son is making excuses for him, too! There's so much more that I can't articulate because I'm so MAD!



Karen

[beccaB]

Men are just dense. Mine has the brain of a rocket scientist when he needs it, but turns it off when it's not a priority. I feel your pain.

[limewave]

Something's in the air . . .

I feel your pain. My DH has been sleeping on the couch for a week. I found out last week that he's been keeping something (something hurtful) from me for almost our entire marriage! How could I be so stupid?

Then he starts apologizing left and right, says he's trying to change, be a better husband to me but he needs my help . . . an I start to soften.

And that DAY he goes and buys himself an obscenely expensive diesel engine truck that he KNEW I was adamantly against buying! We don't NEED it. We can't AFFORD it. We only had two years left to pay on our old truck and I said we could look at new one's then . . . But he had to sell it now, and we took a $5000 loss on it. SERIOUSLY. We are in the worst recession in a 100 years, we have no savings, we are struggling to pay our bills--and he thinks the best decision for our family is to completely max out our credit? Dumb*ss.

And once again he starts apologizing, says he knows he screwed up, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's really easy to say that after he's already gotten what he wants.

I'm with you on the inconsiderateness. I don't really want to start a husband bashing thread. But I feel crushed. Demolished.

I gave DH back my wedding ring. And to top it off . . . I think I'm pg again.

[Biciclista]

Tuckerville, is your saddle too low on your bike? (or if you have a Brooks, did it sag?)
You have every right to be upset, I would be too.

{{{{{Limewave}}}}}

[Tuckervill]

double hugs for Limewave...

The IT band thing...I've been studying up on it. I haven't been riding much this year because of the tournament I conducted (I'm a volunteer youth baseball president). I rode in March and then a little in April, and then occasionally I was able to get to the Sunday Saunter ride and do 10 miles with newbies. There was a long ride in March wherein both IT bands got extremely tight--I could roll them out to feel better, but each ride would tighten them up again and I didn't have time to deal with it in anyway.

But I kept reading and not being able to do anything about it. Finally I tried moving my cleats all the way back, like I had read in Road Bike Rider review, and that entails lowering the seat, too. I did 20 miles a couple of Sundays ago and indeed, my IT bands did not seize up and my knees felt GOOD afterwards. Had not been back on the bike since. However, I came up with a little pain on the front of my knee--it seemed to be more related to work outs at the gym than cycling (since I had not been cycling).

I work out with a PT standing near by (he owns the gym), and he frequently adjusts my hips and checks things for me. (I've been going there for 3 years, so there are perks.) We isolated the knee pain as related to the IT band. His standard advice is to make everything stronger and in balance. There's really not much else I can do except the standard stuff.

The ride I posted about was going to be my "check-out" ride for the tweaks I've made. But now I can't put on shoes because of the blisters, and I can't walk normally which is making the knee hurt worse and I'm so ticked off at my husband for making me walk home!!! I have this deadline to get the fit dialed in because I'm leaving for 3 weeks in Vermont on the 16th...and I may not be able to ride at all. I don't want to be dialing in my fit on the side of the road in a strange town.

Karen

[Biciclista]

just one thing:
you said:

"I hollered after him and told him to go on and I would walk home. 'are you sure?' 'ya, ya, go finish the ride'. "

now if this had been a conversation between my DH and I, he would have believed that I really wanted to walk home and would NOT have expected to pick me up in a car... the fact that you took your shoes off and got blisters is unfortunate, but it's not really his fault; you told him to go on..

[arielmoon]

(((Tuckervill))) I feel your pain.

(((limewave))) I feel you there too.

I think I stumbled into the right thread Men are dense.

[Cataboo]

++++ on the hugs to both Limewave & tuckervill.

just one thing:
you said:

"I hollered after him and told him to go on and I would walk home. 'are you sure?' 'ya, ya, go finish the ride'. "

now if this had been a conversation between my DH and I, he would have believed that I really wanted to walk home and would NOT have expected to pick me up in a car... the fact that you took your shoes off and got blisters is unfortunate, but it's not really his fault; you told him to go on..

I'm not sure why he didn't stop and change her innertube if they had supplies with them. It really only takes 5 minutes if that.

But common courtesy/concern would have had him at least call/text to see where she was and if she was all right when he didn't find her at home when he got back... especially when he knew she'd been trying for a couple days to get that tire on previously... the chances of her being able to do it on her own and leave to bike again a day or so after she spent a few days trying to get a tire on were kind of slim.

[Tuckervill]

just one thing:
you said:

"I hollered after him and told him to go on and I would walk home. 'are you sure?' 'ya, ya, go finish the ride'. "

now if this had been a conversation between my DH and I, he would have believed that I really wanted to walk home and would NOT have expected to pick me up in a car... the fact that you took your shoes off and got blisters is unfortunate, but it's not really his fault; you told him to go on..

Except, after he rode for an hour, and got home, and I STILL wasn't home, wouldn't you think he'd call to check? Check his phone to see if I called? And I happily walked home, not expecting a ride (or to get blisters) and NOT EXPECTING HIM TO BE THERE, thinking he was still on his training ride, or SURELY he would have called to check on the status and well-being of his only beloved in such an instance? He knew my knees were hurting, too.

After all, anything could happen. He calls me to check on much more mundane things.

Karen

[tulip]

And that DAY he goes and buys himself an obscenely expensive diesel engine truck that he KNEW I was adamantly against buying! We don't NEED it. We can't AFFORD it. We only had two years left to pay on our old truck and I said we could look at new one's then . . . But he had to sell it now, and we took a $5000 loss on it.

That IS serious. Wowza, you've got quite a case on your hands. I mean, to go out and buy a TRUCK?? It's not like he went out and bought a pair of shoes or something...A TRUCK?? Did he think you wouldn't find out? Call a family counselor for this one. So much for partnership, eh? I've been there. Best of luck to you.

[Eden]

Dare I be devil's advocate and point out that you had a phone.... you could have called him and asked for a ride home at any point.

[Tuckervill]

Dare I be devil's advocate and point out that you had a phone.... you could have called him and asked for a ride home at any point.

He wouldn't have answered it. He didn't read the text. The only thing he could have done differently was to THINK a little harder when he discovered I still wasn't home. Prior to that point, we were both operating on certain assumptions, and there's no fault involved. If I had called he wouldn't have even known until he was out of the shower (which is another problem all together).

Karen

[tulip]

I understand you are angry...but it seems like you are angry because he didn't do what you wanted him to do, yet it seems like you gave the opposite signals.

You said "Go on for your ride"

You texted him from your friend's saying you were there. You did not mention if you said in your text that you would like a ride home, but I assume you did not. It seems reasonable that he would have figured you were hanging out and would come home afterwards.

It also seems reasonable that if you wanted a ride, you could have asked for one when you texted him.

But I get it...he should have known. It's hard to realize that sometimes we have to actually say what we want.

EDIT: I see that you mentioned that he did not read the text so he did not know you were at your friend's. Ah, well, sometimes things don't work out like we want them to. Next time, you'll know to be more specific. We cannot control what people do, we can only control our responses to what they do.

[indigoiis]

Hey, just chiming in...

If you could turn the clock back and have this scene play out differently, how would you have it play out? Think it through from beginning to end, including the interaction and all of the conversation, and see what he and you might have done differently to avoid you feeling hurt.

Write it down and then read it, and think about what it is that you really wanted. Oftentimes it was not the obvious thing we thought we wanted.

[wannaduacentury]

EDIT: I see that you mentioned that he did not read the text so he did not know you were at your friend's. Ah, well, sometimes things don't work out like we want them to. Next time, you'll know to be more specific. We cannot control what people do, we can only control our responses to what they do.

+1
Well said Tulip. Unfortunately, sometimes we do have to spell out what we want. I wish we could all be mindreaders, but it is not to be. Her husband should also work on being more considerate.

{{Limewave}}I'm really sorry for your struggle. In this economy, and the way it puts stress on people w/ the unemployment and mortgage crisis, we're just all trying to hold on to what we have. Sometimes, the only thing I can figure is someone just wants to feel better by buying something manly and expensive/materialistic to make them feel better and in more control of their situation and their perception of their place in the world. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do-go out on a spending spree. You're supposed to be a team and a team works together. I understand that you feel a trust has been broken. I'll keep you in my prayers. Jenn