another bike date... he neglected to mention...

[Lise]

Ooooh, I didn't think of Googling my date! (no doubt because I'm 45) Update: The date for tomorrow is off, his car broke down. But he sounded genuinely regretful, and wants to reschedule. The 27 year hasn't written back. My computer crashes 9 out of 10 times I try to log onto match.com. Message from God? I hope not!

L.

[KSH]

This time I'm even thinking of getting a pay-as-you-go cell phone so that I don't have to give anyone my real cell phone number to start with. My real cell phone number is dearer to me than even my home number these days!

I really don't see the issue with giving out your cell phone number. If you don't want to answer it... you don't. And... people can find out where you live if they really try... they don't always need a cell phone number to do it.

I understand being safe... but heck... you can see who is calling and ignore them.

[tomgrrrl]

I actually had a date google me before we met....we sat down to have drinks and when I started to talk about stuff she tried hard to pretend she didn't already know some info about me....then she finally 'fessed up....btw, we didn't have second date....despite a number of "dates" 2+ years, I'm still looking.

[Yasmin]

Ok, fess up TE gals, do you Google your dates?

I'm told it's very much the thing in the 20-30 something set.

What is "Googling" your date? I know what the Google search engine is, but how does one do that with potential dates? I'm learning a lot here.

[laughlaugh18]

Yasmin - Googling your date is pretty much what it sounds. You search for your date's name using the Google search engine. Remember to put quotes around the name, for example "John Doe".

And fess up folks, when was the last time you Googled yourself!?

KSH - with the cell phone it's not a physical threat thing. If I can recognize someone's number, I can choose not to answer. However, lots of folks, including my family, have their numbers blocked, which means I have to pick up calls on my cell phone that are unidentified. So, I'd rather have a separate phone that I know is only dating-related; gives me the option of not answering if I don't want to.

[BikeMomma]

I see too many women once they get connected with a guy, give up their own life (and their kids, pets and family) to be with the guy and live his life (ie do what he wants).

bcipam - This one sentence struck a chord with me. When I met my husband, I was into cycling, was deadly serious about racing, and totally loved my life. He admired that in me, as he was into athletics, also (basketball). But as we dated and time went on, I did was I thought I was supposed to do as a woman who loves a man, and I slowly gave up cycling to mold myself into his lifestyle (not mine). About a year and a half ago, after being married nearly ten years (eleven now) and three gorgeous kids, it suddenly struck me what I had done -- I gave up the biggest part of myself. Nothing particularly "wrong" with that, but on a women's lib standpoint, I shouldn't have had to do that, and it almost made me angry that it was so taken for granted I would change MY life, and that he didn't change his. So I grabbed the bull by the horns and started riding again, and now I'm seriously considering racing again. Sadly, although I know he is proud of me for sticking to it and for getting my body back, he still doesn't completely understand the sacrifice I made for him and now I feel that he looks at me differently....almost like he doesn't know how to "take" me these days, being this "liberated" woman and all.

[Irulan]

bcipam - This one sentence struck a chord with me. When I met my husband, I was into cycling, was deadly serious about racing, and totally loved my life. He admired that in me, as he was into athletics, also (basketball). But as we dated and time went on, I did was I thought I was supposed to do as a woman who loves a man, and I slowly gave up cycling to mold myself into his lifestyle (not mine). About a year and a half ago, after being married nearly ten years (eleven now) and three gorgeous kids, it suddenly struck me what I had done -- I gave up the biggest part of myself. Nothing particularly "wrong" with that, but on a women's lib standpoint, I shouldn't have had to do that, and it almost made me angry that it was so taken for granted I would change MY life, and that he didn't change his. So I grabbed the bull by the horns and started riding again, and now I'm seriously considering racing again. Sadly, although I know he is proud of me for sticking to it and for getting my body back, he still doesn't completely understand the sacrifice I made for him and now I feel that he looks at me differently....almost like he doesn't know how to "take" me these days, being this "liberated" woman and all.

I don't think it has anything to do with "womens' lib" or being "liberated" ... I think it's human nature to get so involved with pleasing a mate and putting one's passions aside that ANYONE, male or female, parent or not, can lose part of themselves in a relationship. Certainly, there is some societal conditioning involved, no denying that. There are plenty of men out there who get involved with being a provider, or trying to please thier partners that they too lose parts of themselves and the thing that give them joy. And yep - when one partner starts to recover that sense, it can be quite a shock to the other half! Especially if things have gotten complacent and routine. The trick is to find a place where you can honor yourself and your passions, and not become a selfish person within the relationship.

Call me a reformed feminist but I equate women's lib and feminism with a lot of negativity . I prefer to look at the needs of men AND women - while inherently different creatures, both have feelings, needs, desires and passion that need to be respected. Both suffer from imbalances in the male/female scheme of things in modern society.

just my two cents, as usual, take it or leave it.


Irulan

[Trek420]

Yasmin asks "And fess up folks, when was the last time you Googled yourself!?"

OMG, I'm surprised you don't all show up at my door sometime. Let me know first if you do, I'll try to clean up the hovel a bit.

and tomgrrl, she must have found out that bit about that you sleep with cornish game hens and can't eat anything that begins with the letter "g" unless it's at the far right hand side of the plate? Just kidding you, really I am.

And anyway we know about the cornish game hens and won't serve you gefilte fish at any TE events. We like you a lot but don't run for Senate because the Google images with you, Liberache and Fidel Castro? I think it's done in Photoshop, really I do but it'll just ruin the Senate bid.

and tomgrrl, was the no 2nd date because she googled you? or because she googled you and then was rude and non-reactive and not listening to what you said (how rude. that's like you get to interview William Shakespear and "oh whatever, I've read all about you"), or because she was picking her teeth with the parasol from the drink? ;-)

And googleing myself? There's some major porn star with the same unusual first name as mine. She's not me, really!

I keep pinned up on my pod at work a snippet of a TTY tape of a conversation that ends:

"and can I get your name?"

"TREK420? (insert real first name here)"

"OMG have I reached a wrong number heee heee, have a real sexy day"

"Uh, yeah, and thank you for calling da' phone co, bye bye SKSK GA."

And regarding the balance thing, I'm tending towards what Irulan sed. And I'm a totally unreformed feminist. I think the goal is balance and that's difficult to acheive in any relationship and especially for families with kids, working...there are only so many hours in the day.

And let's face it gals we all love a sport that takes a lot of time. I may or may not ride today, but I will clean and lube and check my bikes. If there was anyone here other than my dog would she resent that? Even my dog would rather I was walking her.

Bikemoma, I can identify with the team sports thing, with my ex for the last 3 years or so of our relationship I was a "football widow", yep, she played on a womens team. It's called pro but so far nobody gets paid or paid much or paid enough in my book to take hits like that but anywho. I went to the games, practices etc, good lil' football "wife".

I've heard football refered to as 'the crack cocaine of team sports". I don't play team sports at all, if there's a ball involved in the sport I can and will s*&^ at it. Yeah, I throw and catch like a girl, go figure. But aparently for sporty folk the intensity of the camraderie of football is addictive.

By then I'd rediscovered my love of cycling and the funny thing is she rekindled that. Also was well on my way to my goal of black belt in Aikido...but I went to the games. Did I resent it on a sunny day I could be rideing? Or that I was missing my own Aikido training? Heck yeah. Did I do anything about it like take time for myself? Nope.

My bad.

I don't think we'd be together even had I carved out time for myself but it's about trying to find a balance and communication I think.

[Yasmin]

It's OK Trek, it was LL18 that mentioned googling yourself...good idea though!
As far as a woman shaping her life around a man, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! I've done it 3 times. When will I learn. Partly I think it's in-built. How many men do you know who reshape themselves around a woman? I told my husband ages ago that if we end I'm not playing that tune anymore. I'm curious to know what happens in same-sex relationships. I know one couple (men) who were together for 25years until one died of a ruptured aorta, very sad. But in that instance it was still one person adjusting to another. Is it more a matter of "givers & takers"?
Trek...you've partly answered this question for me anyway. When I look back I get pretty peed at myself for being so "giving" ie changing more for them than they do for me. It's my own fault really.

[Trek420]

Yasmin wrote "As far as a woman shaping her life around a man, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! I've done it 3 times. When will I learn. Partly I think it's in-built."

We're wired that way. Possibly if we wern't nurturing humans would not have survived. If men weren't out there hunting mastadons we would not have survived either. So it was all essential at some time. Not that women can't hunt mastadons and men can't pick berries but we get the message that society dissaproves.

And we get it so young.

Off season I'm in the dojo. Today was open training, just show up and work on...whatever. Depends on who's there.

So I'm working with our visiting student and on the other side there's a little girl, maybe 9 and her parents. She plans to go to school tomorrow with one of our black belts and do a demo for her class. Cute huh?

Her parents are very encourageing but she's so nervous, hardly moves, and won't kiai (yell) or make a sound at all.

Thinking she could use some encouragement from a gal I go over and tell her "see this?" (Trek points at belt) "Sensei (teacher) gave it to me because I'm loud. When I don't know what to do or whether it's my right foot or left I make a lot of noise"

We talked about that it's ok for women and girls to be loud, and to be strong and throw big guys around like rag dolls, it's ok to make mistakes and not to worry about it.

By the end I think I saw a smile and she was throwing the black belt she's borowing hard. But still would not make a sound. These messages are so deep.

"How many men do you know who reshape themselves around a woman?"

I think it's different for men. And I hate to generalize but I think some men reshape themselves but in other ways.

Some of the techs I work with complain loudly of the hours, overtime and time away from their families. But ask them "you could decline OT, are you willing to give up the 'vette, the vacation home, or live with less?" "no".

"I told my husband ages ago that if we end I'm not playing that tune anymore."

I'm curious if you feel that reshapeing yourself is endangering the relationship, why not find a way to let the real Yasmin out BEFORE it ends? Could be even better than before? I'm just asking. Don't know what's right.

"I'm curious to know what happens in same-sex relationships."

So am I ;-) Women, who can figure them out?

"I know one couple (men) who were together for 25years until one died of a ruptured aorta, very sad. But in that instance it was still one person adjusting to another. Is it more a matter of "givers & takers"?"

Sorry to hear about your friends.

Speaking as I do for all gay people .... not ..... I think that our relationships may be more fluid because we don't have ridid generalization about gender roles. You're free to sorta work that out yourself or should be.

On the other hand individuals can be of themselves just as rigid: take my ex, please...she didn't want me to do laundry, ever. She kinda resented that she had to do it but would not let me. Alrighty then.

Well, 3 years later here I sit fully clothed, laundry going in the background.

The goal is some fluidity, back to cycling analogies. I've never ridden a tandem but what I've read is this, that both pedal together but on a tandem when the captain tires the stoker pitches in, when the stoker is tired the captain works a little harder, when both are tired, stop for lunch? Feel free to correct me V?

Hopefully with communication it's not always one person who gives or takes, can be fluid. At least that's what I'd like.

"Trek...you've partly answered this question for me anyway. When I look back I get pretty peed at myself for being so "giving" ie changing more for them than they do for me. It's my own fault really."

Well we're all learning all the time, we make mistakes, we get better but mostly hopefully we don't keep doing the same ^&%$ thing. If you're lucky you'll have troubles all your life, if you're unlucky they will be the same &^%$'ing ones. We're not taught how to do this, no one comes with directions, and most ARE taught a lotta stuff that is dreck.

My parents had an incredible marriage, this February would have been 65 years and they were very happy. So I had the example in front of me and still don't know what I'm doing.

I sometimes think that relationships are the single hardest thing we do and maybe the most important.

[Yasmin]

I sometimes think that relationships are the single hardest thing we do and maybe the most important.

You're not wrong there. I don't get why we as a species find it sooo hard to really get on together. If we find it so difficult at a personal level, what hope is there at a global level? Maybe humans have an in-built self-destruct mechanism to stop us from totally messing up the planet & other life forms. I really wonder about this sometimes.

[pkq]

You're not wrong there. I don't get why we as a species find it sooo hard to really get on together. If we find it so difficult at a personal level, what hope is there at a global level? Maybe humans have an in-built self-destruct mechanism to stop us from totally messing up the planet & other life forms. I really wonder about this sometimes.

We can't get along because we are a flawed, imperfect, and arrogant species. Adam and Eve, of the Bible, had Paradise yet sinned due to arrogance, just like Satan. And what did Adam say, when confronted by the Lord about why he was hiding? "It was her fault!." He couldn't even stand like a man and assume the responsibility for his own decision to follow Eve. Ha! Eve blamed the serpent! And they were created perfect.

Satan knows God exists but rebels anyway. His arrogance leads him to think he will be victorious over God. Arrogance, the original sin, leads me to worry about my own actions way more than anothers actions. I can't think outside my box too much until I get mine in order. Can't even wrap my mind around global.

[bcipam]

Just an FYI - this weekend was great. Friday night I had dinner with my friend Mark. We've known each other for 20 years. Just friends, but very close. Saturday a new friend, Curtis came over for lunch and stayed for dinner. I had a great time. Yesterday was out all day with my 3 best buddies riding around. Had a fun lunch after, just sitting, joking and enjoying the beautiful weather. If connected, I would not have been able to see any one of those boys.

Again, I am soooo torn about finding a romantic partner and just enjoying my life the way it is. I far from being a "liberated" woman and definitely not a feminist, but I like my independence and would prefer the company and friendship of good men v. a romantic relationhip with a man maybe not so good. It's good to have a forum to discuss these issues. My married friends just don't understand.

[Trek420]

bcipam writes "I .... would prefer the company and friendship of good men v. a romantic relationhip with a man maybe not so good."

wait a minute, wait a minute. wait a minute. Why's it gotta be one or the other? And this from the gal whos friends said "we're sorry about your break up but guess what? Now we'll see you often" So I get that. ::: skips off makes note to myself "make time for long time friends even when/if I meet gal o' my dreams" :::::

And why is the alternative to "a few good men" gotta be romance with someone not so good? Don't settle! You better not. You're looking for a guy who has all those traits you like in your friends and maybe more. Right?

[bcipam]

Well of course, but if history is an indicator, I do tend to be "blind" when it comes to a romantic relationship. Plus there is a real big difference between friendship and romance. Each of my buds are real good guys, and treat me well and show me respect, but I can't say it would be that way if we are in a romantic relationship. Men and women tend to change when romance is involved. Don't know why and if it's that way for everyone, it's my experience.