Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[Dr. Liz]

Mel,

are you SURE it's Riding Buddy that your husband is upset about?

Is your husband sure it's Riding Buddy that he's upset about?

Here's something entirely different to think about:

You've started riding on ROADS instead of trails. Roads are filled with CARS, and CARS are big, go real fast, and let's face it, if there's any sort of confrontation between a car and a bicycle, the car will win.

Is it possible that "I don't like you riding with Riding Buddy" is a way to avoid admitting "I'm scared crapless that something could happen to you while you're out there on the roads" ???

Karen in Boise

I think this is a VERY valid point, and something that you need to talk with your husband about; we've got a couple of guys that we (together) ride with, and there are no issues, but he won't let me ride with them alone. Not a jealousy issue, but his fear that these guys aren't going to be as protective of me as he will be.

Of course, if there are other, deeper issues, then you've GOT to talk with him about that, too. Guys often clam up about 'sensitive' topics, but he's got to understand that if you two are to continue to grow as adults, you've got to talk about tough issues, and get to the root of them.

Not easy. I know. (Heck, it took my husband 3 tries/wives before he learned that talking about stuff rather than dwelling on it was a GOOD thing. Hopefully your husband won't learn it the hard way! )

[spokewench]

There is kind of a double standard in our family - and probably because my husband absolutely will not look inward at the real reasons he reacts to situations. It has to do with the way he was brought up. Long story, not worth going into here.

In the past, I've had some bike riding friends who were male (only one or two of them, that my hubby knew really well) were okay for me to ride with on regular basis. If he did not know the fellow, it was just not okay even though hubby trusts my judgment with regard to people. He would usually not say, "you can't ride with that guy", but would get weird about me riding too much or something like that.

He also reacted this way to a male tennis person that I was playing with (much older than me and not appealing at all?), but he did not know him well either.

But, last year, I have a girlfriend (who actually is known in town for fooling around with married men) who we were all training with to get ready for the Tour of Colorado. Mark would ride with her on days when I was working and it didn't bother me a bit. I trust him!

For some reason, he just is not as confident in himself and I guess, I am in myself. So, I have come to the conclusion that this is not going to change, i.e. his confidence will not increase, (we have been married for a long time!) so I try to avoid these kinds of situations so he does not get weirded out.

So, yes, I do compromise in my marriage, but I do wish that all things are equal as far as emotions go. The reality of it is, that all things are not equal as far as emotions go so we deal with the issues as they come.

spoke

[Batbike]

as I read more and more of this thread I am COMPLETELY amazed at the male-female issues everyone is sharing ... who would have thought that riding a bike with other cyclists, no matter what the gender, could be such an issue!!

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

OK, maybe the issue is NOT WHEN riding, but forming a relationship WHILE riding -- I get that. If fact, I have one riding buddy who has made it clear he would like more than "just riding buddies" and I know his wife and kids!! Needless to say, I nipped that in the bud quickly and told other riders in our core group about his intentions -- they too took him aside to discuss his issues. YES, they are his issues and not mine. Have I told my DH -- NO, because I don't need DH to "create" issues with male riders that aren't there. Most riders ARE MALE and most riders JUST WANT TO RIDE.

Male or female, we all have one thing in common -- the bicycle. Personally, I don't see how gender needs to effect the love of the sport. If you ride well with someone, enjoy their company while riding, and the whole experience promotes the love of the bike, why not ride with them? Of course, if there is "outside bike chemistry or misguided thinking" than that needs to be dealt with immediately -- go with it, ignore it, or deal with it. As women working hard to improve our bodies and mind through cycling, it is important to stand-up to those who interfere with the passion of cycling; it is important to be empowered, standing strong for ourselves and what we need and want from cycling. I hope no woman allows a SO to dictate how, when, where, and with whom they ride. If cycling is your passion, then embrace it and feel empowered to keep riding -- with whatever gender keeps you riding, as long as you feel good about it and it meets your needs ... feel the power!!!

[ladyicon]

I think that you have to decide which is more important to you (now, now, be sensible). It is not his fault that he is jealous, you would also be jealous if he rode off with a woman and left you behind. I suggest you find a female riding partner. It may be hard to find a riding buddy, but is is even harder to find a good man!!!
You never know if you tell you husband "you are right dear, I won't ride with so and so cause I love you and respect you", you never know, he may feel so bad about pulling you away from riding that that he will insist on you riding with him.
Good luck, and remember, good men are hard to find!

[Zen]

This is short, to the point, and worth reading


Why Do I Get Jealous?

How to control the green-eyed monster
By Dr. Scott Haltzman, http://www.hitchedmag.com

Question: Why do I get so jealous when my partner talks to other people?
Answer: When you first connected with your partner and looked into their eyes, it felt like he or she was the only person in the room. As you get deeper into your relationship and call yourselves a couple, the realization hits you: You and your partner are not alone on this planet. There are others! Are they a threat?
When we are in a committed relationship, we assume the connection we have with each other will be strong enough to fend off outside threats. In some ways, this you-belong-to-me-and-I-belong-to-you mentality is sweet; it's the stuff of pop songs and poetry. But sometimes the intensity of that connection is too strong.
When one partner sees everyone whom his or her partner comes into contact with as a potential threat, it is
“a sign that jealousy has taken hold”
a sign that jealousy has taken hold. Shakespeare called it "the green-eyed monster," and once it gets a hold of your relationship, it sinks its teeth in and can rip it apart.
What causes jealousy?
If you've got strong feelings of jealousy, it's probably a sign that you don't have enough trust in your partner that he or she is being faithful to you. That lack of trust may be prompted by one of four factors.

* You may feel insecure about your self-worth. In these cases, either you've been raised to believe, or some part of your inner self feels, that you just don't measure up. Because you don't love yourself, you can't believe that others would love you, so you live in fear that your partner's "true" feelings will be revealed and she will leave.
* You're prone to cheating on your partner -- maybe even have done so. Knowing what you're capable of, you project that behavior onto your partner.
* You and your partner haven't yet figured out how to
“establish safe boundaries within the relationship”
establish safe boundaries within the relationship. Having a tight bond is about building walls around your love with windows that allow others to be part of it -- not doors where competing lovers can walk right in and disrupt your home. Because you don't know what's permissible within the relationship and what's not, you're constantly on your toes.
* Your mate is cheating on you. Cheating doesn't have to include sex; it often has to do with making emotional connections to others outside the relationship. If your partner is sharing things about your private life with attractive members of the opposite sex, it robs a sense of intimacy from your relationship and leaves you feeling vulnerable.

Knowing the factors that lead to jealousy is an important first step to getting things fixed.
“Put your focus on building trust”
Put your focus on building trust. If you've got some growing up to do, therapy may help. Both of you have to learn how to set boundaries in the relationship. That requires respecting your mate's definition of limits of outside relationships from the start.
Over time, as trust builds, you and your partner can redefine what feels safe for the relationship. After all, when you've got a great relationship, you want to share it with the world.
Want to read more articles from Hitched? Check out hitchedmag.com

[Zen]

Good luck, and remember, good men are hard to find!

Yes, and so are good women. A relationship is a two way street.

[DarcyInOregon]

as I read more and more of this thread I am COMPLETELY amazed at the male-female issues everyone is sharing ... who would have thought that riding a bike with other cyclists, no matter what the gender, could be such an issue!!

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

Batbike, your entire post was well-written.

Everyone has a different opinion based on their perspective. I guess I am amazed at the number of marriages that might teeter if a spouse is put in close proximity to a member of the opposite sex, therefore the opinion is that one's spouse should never be put in such a situation.

It is like a step back in time, taking away all of the advances women have made over the past 100 years. Seriously, is a female detective not supposed to work with a male dectective? Is a female executive not supposed to hire a male assistant because they will be alone together, day-after-day? Is a female Navy officer not supposed to go in a submarine because she is the only female? Is a female astronaut not supposed to go up in the space shuttle because she will be isolated with only male companions?

I've only thought of a few examples of every day life where men and women work together, closely and intimately, because it is their profession and their job. For this situation, it is like Batbike said, "It is bike riding." It would be ridiculous for a spouse to declare that the married partner should give up a profession because of working with the opposite sex, and the same is true of cycling.

What is next? The female racers should give up their training coaches because they are male?

Darcy

[GLC1968]

Wow, wow, wow. I haven't been around in a few days, and I've missed this thread! The first thing I noticed is how civil everyone is being. It's so nice to have a place like TE where people can discuss as adults differing opinions/experiences and ideas!

This thread has been eye-opening for me. It's made me appreciate my husband and our biking relationship all that much more!

I've had relationships with jealous men in my past. My husband has had the same. We didn't meet until we were in our mid-30's, so we'd both 'been around the block' so to speak. We knew that when we met, we'd found something special almost immediately and we really, truly understand and trust each other. Jealously of the opposite sex really doesn't play a role in our relationship because not only are neither of us jealous people, but we both trust each other completely. That said, I know that I'd be jealous if my husband found another woman to ride with not because I'd be afraid that he'd cheat or that a friendship would develop into something else (which I find laughable), but because I want to be the person he rides with. This is because biking is as important to me as it is to him and it's something we've shared for 2 years now.

BUT, if I wasn't interested in biking and he wanted to ride with another woman...I'd be fine with it. I know that I'd be fine with it because he's done this exact thing but with tennis. He met a woman through an online service (about sports) and he wants to meet up with her to play. I don't have time for tennis anymore so I'm totally ok with it. And I know he feels the same when the situation is reversed. I ride at lunch at work all the time and 9 times out of 10, I'm riding with a guy from work. In the past, it was almost always with the same guy because we had a similar pace. Not only was DH fine with it, he's now asking why I never mention this guy anymore. When I told him it's because he's not riding anymore, he says that's too bad. No jealously whatsoever.

I will say that I have a feeling that your husband's 'dislike' of your riding situation is probably multi-faceted. It's not likely just about the guy you are riding with. It sounds like it's probably partly that, partly that you are out doing something that he's not involved with at all, partly that you have found a new passion that he's not party to, partly that you are going to be getting in better shape and going places by bike that he can't go. Had you developed a close riding relationship with your buddy's wife instead of your buddy, I'd guess that your husband would still feel some resentment or jealousy. It may be different, or it may be less, but I'd bet it would still be there.

Unfortuantely, outside of what you are doing (talking), I don't really have any helpful advice. It's always hard when one member of a relationship finds a passion that the other member doesn't share. It requires adjustment and change for both parties and it can be difficult. Keep those lines of communication open and good luck!!

[indysteel]

I say all of the following with the caveat that I've never been married, so I can only speculate as to how I might deal with a similar situation if I were married. However, I have been involved with men with close female friends, and have generally taken the approach that until I have some concrete reason not to trust the situation then whatever issues I have with it are a product of my own insecurities and, therefore, more or less "my" problem to fix. Asking someone to pacify those insecurites by getting rid of the friend would likely prove to be only a temporary fix as the insecurities would just manifest themselves in some other way. And if there really is some larger trust issue, getting rid of the friend would again just mask the problem. In fact, I'm of the opinion that demanding someone disavow a relationship with a member of the opposite sex for no other reason than it just makes them feel threatened, is just the type of behavior that can ultimately lead to infidelity--maybe not in the shortrun, but over time.

Building and maintaining trust, it seems to me, isn't about eliminating all forms of temptation. For one, that's just unrealistic. For another, in my opinoin, infidelity is more often than not a byproduct of what happens within a marriage, not because of what happens outside of it. In that sense, the energy spent worrying about exes, coworkers, friends at the gym and riding buddies could be better spent nurturing and growing the relationship in more positive ways or, in some cases, working on yourself.

I'm not suggesting that Mel not listen to her husband's concerns or pay them any heed, but I would encourage both of them to identify what they're really about. Are they about his insecurities as a cyclist? Fear that she is looking elsewhere to have some of her needs met? Fear about her getting hurt on the road? Insecurities about his own attractiveness or manliness? Fear that they're growing apart? Assuming they're able to identify the real issue--which will admittedly require some honesty and introspection--then finding a solution that actually addresses it may obviate the need to "lose the riding buddy." Maybe he just needs reassurance that she finds him attractive and sexy. Maybe they need to come to a better understanding about what a healthy, balanced marriage means to both of them and whether it can or should include outside interests and people. Maybe he needs to admit that some of his insecurities about their respective athleticism are his to work through with her encouragement. Maybe he just needs to get to know the riding buddy himself.

And if she does decide to "lose the riding buddy," there's nothing wrong with making that decision for the health of the marriage, as long as it's a decision made voluntarily and not because of threats, compulsion or ultimatums.

[Jo-n-NY]

My situation is the opposite. My husband rides with a female friend of ours. Actually she was a customer of his and he knew her before I did. They both have Thursdays as their day off and I have weekends. As I still do I take my vacation days on Thursdays to ride with them but needless to say, vacation days only go so far. Anyway, the only thing I was jealous about was that I am in work and they are riding.

He would call me a couple of times through their ride to let me know he was thinking of me and tell me where they rode to. However, she has become my cycling buddy and very good friend, actually she is my best friend now and the person I ride my organized rides with. But when I ride on the weekends, I feel guilty because my husband isn't with us, but I am sure as time goes by this will all pan out so we can all ride together all the time.

~ JoAnn

[margo49]

It is bike riding ... an aerobic exercise that takes some or most, if not all of an individual's energy to preform -- who's got time for anything else?!!

This is what I was getting at in my previous post.
Like the Zen monk said "I ride my bike to ride my bike"

[xeney]

This is sort of an interesting and timely thread for me. My husband and I have been together since 1994, so whatever jealousy issues we had back then (and I for one had plenty) have long since been worked out. His best not-me friend is a woman, and in some ways they probably spend more time together than we do, because they work together and go to lunch together every day. But she's my friend too and I have no issues with that relationship -- in fact, I fully support it and the extent of my jealousy is that they go to a lot of restaurants that I am too busy to visit, and they never bring me take-out.

Right now, though, I am unable to ride, and we are not spending any fun time together, mostly because I am not having any fun ... I'm just working, getting the house ready for a baby, and sitting around with my damn feet up wondering whose dumb idea it was to have a baby in August. I can barely walk two blocks, much less get on a bike or go hiking or do any of the stuff that we usually do for fun.

Meanwhile, he's joined a cycling club and going for long rides every weekend. The fact that there are women in the group doesn't bother me (I have joked about the fact that he is spending his weekends with hot young chicks in spandex while I am here turning into Shamu, but it is really not an issue, and in fact one of those young chicks is probably going to be our part-time nanny); I am mostly jealous of the guys. Because he rides with them all the time, and I am not riding at all, and I am petty and bitter and I want to go have fun and let him sit around with his feet up for a change.

For me, irrational sexual jealousy -- i.e., the idea that he might run off and screw some young thing if I let him out of my sight or "allow" him to interact with other women -- is my own problem, one I am glad to rarely experience these days, and one that I would not tolerate in my partner if the tables were turned. But sadness and a feeling that you are being neglected because your partner is having all of his or her fun with other people, that's a different issue, and one that does need to be addressed. So I would say that it is really important to figure out which of these things is going on.

(My husband has been very adamant that we take the grandparents up on their offers of babysitting once the baby arrives, so that we can go back to riding together even before she is old enough to tag along, and we should be able to resume other stuff like hiking as soon as I am recovered and the baby can hold her head up in the carrier. So our situation is, I hope, temporary, but I am pretty cranky about it right now.)

[pooks]

For some reason, he just is not as confident in himself and I guess, I am in myself. So, I have come to the conclusion that this is not going to change, i.e. his confidence will not increase, (we have been married for a long time!) so I try to avoid these kinds of situations so he does not get weirded out.

So, yes, I do compromise in my marriage, but I do wish that all things are equal as far as emotions go. The reality of it is, that all things are not equal as far as emotions go so we deal with the issues as they come.

spoke

I think this is an important point. There are all sorts of things that "should" be true of any relationship, and the jealousy/control issues we're talking about are certainly right up there at the top -- nobody should have to deal with this.

BUT -- marriage, unfortunately, is between two imperfect people, each of whom has baggage and faults.

(And having married young, I also know the issues of each person growing/changing and putting strains on the relationship. It's a lot different when you've done most of that growth and change prior to marriage.)

While I agree that nobody should be controlled by another's jealousy, I also believe that we are sensitive to those we love and respect. Each of us has deal-breakers in our marriage, and will look at somebody else's marriage and say, "I would not put up with that," but whether we realize it or not somebody else might think the same about our relationships.

Longwinded, but just trying to make the point that a couple of others have already. The presence of a good riding buddy isn't worth a lot of marital strife unless you've already drawn that line in the sand and decided, "Either he learns to accept stuff like this or else, because I can't live this way."

If it's that big an issue, then of course there's more going on there than just the recent bicycling issue.

I'm not sure I'm making sense -- just got back from a long camping trip and my brain is fuzzy. But I agree with everyone else, this has been an illuminating conversation. (I agree with everybody. How common is that?)

[lph]

Longwinded, but just trying to make the point that a couple of others have already. The presence of a good riding buddy isn't worth a lot of marital strife unless you've already drawn that line in the sand and decided, "Either he learns to accept stuff like this or else, because I can't live this way."

well put, pooks

[Tuckervill]

(My husband has been very adamant that we take the grandparents up on their offers of babysitting once the baby arrives, so that we can go back to riding together even before she is old enough to tag along, and we should be able to resume other stuff like hiking as soon as I am recovered and the baby can hold her head up in the carrier. So our situation is, I hope, temporary, but I am pretty cranky about it right now.)

As a mom of three, I think your husband should give up his long rides on the weekends for now. You may feel just a little cranky about it now. When that lack of sleep kicks in and he's still feeling entitled to long rides on Saturday, your "little" cranky could turn ugly real fast.

Having a baby means giving up stuff. He should start practicing now, if only out of respect for you.

Karen