Not sure I should even post this.

[Thistle]

Hey Raindrop, so sorry to hear of your loss.

Lost my little brother to suicide about 15 years ago. I felt for ages that I somehow could have prevented it (so did my other brother). He seemed to have so much to live for. But it was his choice, his call.

Time WILL heal. You don't forget but you forgive them for going so abruptly.

Hang in there.

Raindrop, I'm so so sorry Sparxx is absolutely right - dont ever blame yourself or think "maybe i could have done something".

I have worked on crisis lines with suicidal callers, after having been suicidal myself on and off for many years. I admire you so much for this posting. It can be such a taboo topic.

It can be hard to understand what drives people to think they have no options left but suicide. My own experience as a sufferer of depression, and later as a telephone counsellor, is that it's like wearing the kind of blinkers they put on a horse. Whereas normally you can see to the left, and to the right, and straight ahead, and all the choices that are out there, as you become more and more depressed and suicidal those blinkers close in and narrow your field of view until there is only one option left. The unthinkable. It really is all about stopping the pain. The worst part is, when people are in that place they have no understanding of the hurt and devastation their actions will bring to those that love them.

I am so thankful every day that I never had the "courage" to carry through. It breaks my heart to think of the pain I would have inflicted on those who love me. To me that is the cruellest part of suicide... the devastation it brings to others.

I hope this doesnt offend anyone. But, I honestly just wanted to let you know that I believe your brother would never have thought he was hurting you (or others). In the distorted thinking of depression he would actually have believed he was doing the world a favour. People who suicide are simply overwhelmed by pain and unable to ask for help.

I am so sorry for your loss You didnt deserve to lose him, and he didnt need to go.

[bikerchick68]

http://211.org/ReferWeb/MainForm.aspx

Raindrop.... I have not been on so hadn't seen this til today. The link above is for 211. You can also just pick up the phone and call the number 211... they give referrals for any and all type of crisis. There are many, many help groups available to you and your family. I encourage you to find a survivors of suicide group... the other attendee's will be going thru the loss of a loved one to suicide as well and will understand all the emotions you're experiencing.

Please, please remember this is NOT your fault. Once someone decides to commit suicide, it's only a matter of time until they achieve it. This was your brother's decision, and while guilt is a normal part of grieving, I again stress this was HIS decision and is NOT your fault.

I really hope you'll reach out and get some help working your way thru the grieving process. You don't have to go thru this alone. Hugs...

[solobiker]

Raindrop, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts. I don't want to offend anyone, but I want to thankyou for posting this. I have been in a very bad place in my life in the past couple of months and the past few weeks have been unbearable. I have to admit I thought about things like that, which scared the you know what out of me. Lucky for me i have a few vey close friends who I have been able to talk with. I am slowly pulling my self out. Today, I work as an occupational therapist with the geriatric population, one of my patients said something that brought a smile to my face. mind you he is a big 6'4 350 pound guy. He always has a smile for me. Well anyway he said to my "you have everything" with a smile on his face and I said what do you mean? his relpy was "whatever you want" and you know,, he is right. I will pull through this eventually. Raindrop once again, I am so sorry for your loss, but thanks for posting because we all can support you in your time of need. All my thoughts Q

[Katiek]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and amazed at the strength you've shown so far. I also want to echo the people who have said how important it is that you don't second guess yourself and wonder if you could have done something else. You couldn't. Depression is an illness as real and deadly as any physical ailment.

I know the pain seems unbearable and at this stage all you can do is try all you can to get through the next day. Mourn and grieve in your own way and don't worry if it doesn't seem like you're going through the "right" stages or if you're on the "right" timeline. Eventually, the pain will lessen and it will be easier to focus on the good things about the time you shared.

I don't know you in person, but I hope you know how much support you have here and I hope you come and share your thoughts whenever you feel it would be helpful.

[Raindrop]

I've read through all your posts with tears in my eyes...and I've read through them often, but I don't have enough words to explain how all of you comfort me. It's very strange that I can't contact my real friends (except for a very, close few) to even tell them about what happened, but I came to a board where I am faceless and anonymous and feel so comforted.

I think it's because all of us are united in a common love of cycling....and then, because this forum is so nurturing, a common bond of being women.

I have to thank each and every one of you for your kindness, and for some, your shared stories and experiences. Right now, I'm still struggling. My mind is in kind of a fog I guess. The other day, on the way into the grocery store I realized I was wearing two different shoes. Sure, they were both black, but that's where the resemblence ended. One was a Keene and the other an Adidas.

I stay in daily contact with my other two brothers and one is going to therapy, the other isn't, but I worry about him the most because he had always been closest to my brother Rob. They skiied together, fished together and never lived more than forty miles from each other for most of their entire lives. He's the one who had to go and finish moving all Rob's stuff out of his place. It makes me cry to even think about how hard that was for him.

I'm kind of rambling. But I did want to let you all know how much your support has meant to me. This is such a very special site, and unlike any other in that it is so supportive.

Thank you.

[mary9761]

((((raindrop)))) I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

[crazycanuck]

Raindrop, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I've no idea what to say as the other ladies have said it all.

Take care of yourself.

c

[sbctwin]

Raindrop, it will be "one day at a time", maybe one hour at a time, but you will make it through. There is no timetable on grief. The why's pop up and go unanswered. In time, it will get easier, but memories will persist. You will go over, and over, and over the issues that keep plaguing you, but time heals if you let it. I found, for me, years after a tramatic event in my life, I still ask "why". I know there will never be an answer. But time has healed and I go on. I look back, question again, and go on. I hope, you too, will find peace.

[Geonz]

{{{{{{{{{{{what they said}}}}}}}}}}}

When I lost my mom... well... healing comes in unexpected places... do not let your heart be troubled ...

[kimba]

Hey Raindrop...
First off, hugs to you.
Please know that I have some understanding of how you feel right now. Please accept this in the most respectful and supportive way. And granted, the circumstances are somewhat different, but the pain is the same.Today is the 1st anniversary of my brother Steve's death. It has been very hard for me.
He was also a great guy...my soulmate, my best friend. We "got" each other. We loved music and old movies, and the Titanic, and British comedies.. Some nights we'd just stay up, groovin' to old classics, or watching a concert DVD...laughing and joking.
He died very suddenly as well. But- due to an insidious disease, we knew we wouldn't have him forever, and just the month before, I'd said to an acquaintance that one day I'll get a phone call...just telling me he's gone.
It was as if somebody flipped a switch...one second he was here, and then he was gone. He was on the phone when it happened, to a friend in another province, who called 911. There was a problem responding and finding the number...he was a cop and kept his number under his mom's maiden name. His friends found him the next day, the phone still in his hand.
I have never reacted to a death like that before...I got the call as I arrived at work, and stumbled through the back door. My legs didn't work. I half crawled to the office and collapsed. All I could do was say nonononononono.

The last time I'd spoken to him, was about a month before. I'd had a weird premonition. I was driving along the Upper Levels highway and suddenly started to cry. All I could see was his face. I pulled over, and called him on the cell phone. "hey bro...call me an idiot, call me stupid, but I have a very bad feeling, pleaseplease call me."
He did. "Hey lil sis, I'm not going anywhere...got lots of stuff I'm gonna do."
The last thing we said before we hung up, as was our custom, was I love you and I miss you.
I have that. And I have great memories of our time together.
Raindrop, hold on to those memories of your brother that make you happy. Those are the most important. Find the silliestthings...and hold on to them tight. They'll flit through your mind so quickly...and the bad ones will eventually flit through too..let them go...revel in the good ones.
You'll find yourself going through many different phases. The denial...the sadness, the grieving. It hurts like hell...but it's all important. Let it happen. Don't hold it in.
I went through the guilt too...I am 4000 kms away. (It was the first time in 10 years we weren't going to be together for Christmas.)
I couldn't be there for him...but I couldn't have *done* anything either. You always want to blame yourself in some way. If I...could I....
No. Don't beat yourself up. No guilt.
Try to celebrate him. You'll never forget, and as long as you remember, he'll never be forgotten.
For me, Christmas is hard. That was OUR holiday. In fact, we'd do other family/friend obligations...and sneak together around Midnight Xmas Day.
He'd always have great xmas lights displays, and the tree could be seen through the window..and when he knew I was on the way,he'd take an old brass ships lantern, and light it up and put it outside on the top step. And invariably, I'd come up the drive, with a light snow falling, and there'd be that lantern, softly glowing through the snow, warm and inviting.
We'd stay up all night and chat. Get up in the morning, make a big brekkie...and get our stockings and presents. For us, it was important to have no politics, no petty familial bickering. Just us. Just us kids. Kids again..only this time on our terms. And we'd put a log dvd on the tv, and listen to sappy Xmas music..and tear open our presents, and laugh, and watch White Christmas. And Holiday Inn.
April's hard too. We are both "Titanic" babies...born 3 days and 5 years apart.I was the last day anyone saw Titanic...he was the day it sank.
Yep- we'd get together and watch Titanic on our b'days...and usually got a small Titanic gift.

I try and do things in his memory. I'll be watching White Christmas in his honour this Xmas, toasting him with a glass of wine... I'll watch Titanic on our birthday.

I am going to a Native ancestor honouring ceremony. I'll beat the drum for him.

And I'll tell people about him. Tell people about your brother. Share him with others.

It will get better. It will. It'll take time.
If you need to talk, email me. Got big shoulders. I've been there.

{{{{{{{{Raindrop}}}}}}

Kimba

[logdiva32]

I am sorry. My sister was killed in Aug and brother in Sep that leaves me all alone. I need counseling but will not go for fear of losing my job. (govt) But if you can, please just try it. For both of us ok....

[kimba]

Oh my...what a tragedy! I am so sorry...
but you must try and get some kind of counselling...especially if you are alone!
There must be a group you can contact, some people you can meet. You have to help heal yourself...I know the job is important, and you probably use that to help hold yourself together, but eventually you might just stretch too thin... I went through this...you can't deal with the pain, so you transfer your energy to your job, to other things. You don't think about it, that way the pain doesn't come. But when it comes and you aren't prepared...it's devastating...you HAVE to take care of yourself. For their memory.For yourself.
Please.
Try and find someone in your area.

{{{{{{{{logdiva32}}}}}}}

[Pedal Wench]

Raindrop, I can't even read your post, but wanted to add my sympathies and condolences.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Oh man, sending love to ALL of you. Life can be so hard on the heart.
{{{{{oxoxo}}}}}

[lph]

Hey Raindrop, how are you doing?

Christmas sucks when you've lost someone you love.

A big hug to everyone out there who's mourning someone. Hang in there.