another bike date... he neglected to mention...

[carback]

If I can chime in here with my thoughts as to online dating...

bcipam - no disrespect meant here at all but under NO circumstances should you be going to his place to meet him/pick him up for the first time. Nor should he come to your place to pick you up the first time. No matter how many emails / phone calls you've shared back & forth. No matter how great he sounds on paper. Seriously. And it's also best as women, not to give them our phone number. If you move from the emailing online stuff onto having an actual phone call, then most men will give you their number for you to call them (yes, they can get your phone number from call display or *69 (in Canada)).

Rule #1 of online dating - make sure you meet in a public place the first time. Without wanting to scare you off, sadly there are a lot of whackos out there, especially through the semi-anonymous online scene. Be safe. Tell a friend where you and the person are meeting so that they know where to turn to if they need to.

I don't mean to sound paranoid and really, I'm not. Just be safe. Online can be a fun experience. Best of luck out there (i'm out there too)

[Trek420]

thanks carback for the safety tip. I agree...." If you move from the emailing online stuff onto having an actual phone call, then most men will give you their number for you to call them (yes, they can get your phone number from call display or *69 (in Canada))."

Use your cell phone number because of reverse directory one can key in the number, get your address. Can't do that with the cell phone number.

If you call from your land line your number may appear in caller id even if you block it (*67 if you have selective blocking, or just dial normaly if you have complete blocking) it's not gauranteed that they don't get your number.

*69, call return lets you call back the last person who called you, but the number does not even appear on their bill, in CA anyway. So they don't get your number.

Every day I get calls from folks who have to change their number because of romance gone awry. Don't be one of them

And fess up gals, do you Google your dates? Seems to be the growing preliminary before the coffee date step in the 20-30 sumthin' group.

[Lise]

OMG. Poor bcipam! No! That's what I say to Scott on your behalf. I am baffled as to why anyone would deliberately misrepresent themself online. I'm going to be so charmed by your personality that I'll overlook the fact that you're a liar? My pictures were all taken within the past year. I am 45, no joke. I did some online dating last year, ended up seeing one guy for 7 months. There are some odd folks out there, and some very interesting ones. People I'd never meet otherwise. Even if I don't want to date most of them! I tried meeting women on line, too...giving both teams an equal shot...nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, but nothing I was interested in. Aaaaand the beat goes on.

Believe me, if there's any kissing on the first date, it'll be on the back of my hand. That would be charming. I don't have the physical or spiritual space to date a whole lot, and I get sooooo very attached once it becomes physical. So I'm going to take it slowly with whomever...and if he's not up for that, then he's not the right guy, anyways.

Great safety tips. After leaving an abusive and probably crazy ex (a woman), I am very, very careful. I don't even like to say my last name for awhile. We meet in a public place, during the day, for the first time. I use my cell phone. I trust my instincts, which are highly tuned, given my experiences. If there's any creepy factor, it's over. Politely. But over.

Thanks for the sisterly cyberhugs and pats on the back! And yes! I will let you know how it goes!

BTW, at least 8" of snow in Chgo today. I'm digging out the x-c skis tomorrow! (If I'll ever just get offline and go to bed... ) L.

[Yasmin]

I haven't done on-line dating, but I am aware that crazy's come in both genders...so do nice folk. All the advice given about being safe I 100% reinforce. We do have to be careful, but overall most people are OK. Trust your instincts. Thank god for our womenly intuition. I know it's saved me more than once in my life.

[SnappyPix]

From another perspective:

I met my sweetie 8 years ago as a result of me placing a personals ad (just prior to the whole internet, online dating thing). We hit it off and have been in a pink fluffy world ever since.
We've even evolved on two wheels together and now train seriously every spare moment we can.
I guess we fall into Trek's U-Haul, second date category (but are resisting the Merging Thing at every opportunity!), but we gals just can't help ourselves, once we subconsciously detect similar groupset lust!

Just wanted to post from the other point of view and say for every loon out there, there's a real gem waiting to be snapped up!

[bikerz]

Encouragement to the match.commers out there:
my neighbors (both avid cyclists and mtb-ers) met and married thru match .com 4 years ago - they were in their early 30s, and a very good friend in her late 50s just married her sweetie met thru match.com - so it can happen!

[makbike]

Nearly two years ago I posted an ad on Yahoo personals and meet several guys, none I was interested in nor wished to even attempt a second date with. I had decided to pull my ad at the end of the month and well my luck changed. One quiet evening someone read my ad and we chatted via IM for several hours. This continued through the week on a nightly basis and we finally agreed to meet face to face, on Feburary 14. We shared dinner, conversation and then I took a risk I know I shouldn't have, I went for a walk in the park with him - don't panic he did not murder, rape or touch me but in hindsight it probably was not the the safest thing to do on a first date. One date led to second one and a third one (yet another hike in a park with my large dog by my side - he passed the canine test!) and our relationship continues to evolve to this day. I could not be happier. There is someone out there for everyone. One may simply have to turn over a lot of stones and look in some unfamiliar places to find them but you have to look and take the chance that something good will come your way.

[bcipam]

I hear good stories about online dating all the time. I just haven't had those experiences. Not certain why, but there is this very strange group of men that are attracted to me. I get alot of responses but from men I am not interested in. Would like to know why they keep contacting me. Maybe they believe me to be "desperate" thus "easy." Couldn't be farther from the truth. I have learned and enjoy the fact I don't need a man in my life - well, a romantic relationship with a man. I love men and seek their company and enjoy being around them and are mostly what I have for friends. But I am at that age do I really want to live someone else's life (ie the man's) and not my own? My own is not all that bad. I see too many women once they get connected with a guy, give up their own life (and their kids, pets and family) to be with the guy and live his life (ie do what he wants). My current roommate (a guy) is seriously dating a woman who not only has given up all her prior social contacts but her son as well (OK he's 17 but still needs a mom). I think her to be of weak constitution and lacking good moral fiber. My roommate could care cause he has a steady lay.

As for the physical connection - I cautious everyone, especially the younger women, to not have sex all that soon once entering a relationship. Why? once the physical connection is made, the mental connections seem to jump out the window. Sex is a powerful drug and will cloud many a mind - both male and female. I think that's one reason so many marriages end in failure now a days. Folks have sex too soon. They get married for all the wrong reasons and when the sex frenzy fades (and it will), it's too late to discover there is nothing else.

If the relationship was meant to be - he and/she will wait for sex. Can't beat developing a solid friendship beforehand, making sure this potential life partner matches up morally, spiriturally and then physically.

And I know when it is time, sometime will occur and if it does not occur it was not meant to be. It maybe my fate in life to remain stubbornly independant!

[Irulan]

when the sex frenzy fades (and it will),

hasn't happened here yet... 25 years and it just keeps getting better.

~I.

[Lise]

As for the physical connection - I cautious everyone, especially the younger women, to not have sex all that soon once entering a relationship. Why? once the physical connection is made, the mental connections seem to jump out the window. Sex is a powerful drug and will cloud many a mind - both male and female. I think that's one reason so many marriages end in failure now a days. Folks have sex too soon. They get married for all the wrong reasons and when the sex frenzy fades (and it will), it's too late to discover there is nothing else.

If the relationship was meant to be - he and/she will wait for sex. Can't beat developing a solid friendship beforehand, making sure this potential life partner matches up morally, spiriturally and then physically.

No kidding! I have a friend who contends that there's a hormone released the first (and only the first) time a couple has sex. The effects last about three months. Thus so many break-ups at 3-4 months. It's certainly been true for me in the past, although I'm so stubborn that I dragged the relationships on for years! I've done my "crazy in love" time, and it never ended well. The high was seldom worth the lows. That said, I have a 27 year old who keeps writing me...? Dude? You got it that I'm 45? I'm enjoying the cyber attention, anyway.

L.

[Trekhawk]

No kidding! I have a friend who contends that there's a hormone released the first (and only the first) time a couple has sex. The effects last about three months. Thus so many break-ups at 3-4 months. It's certainly been true for me in the past, although I'm so stubborn that I dragged the relationships on for years! I've done my "crazy in love" time, and it never ended well. The high was seldom worth the lows. That said, I have a 27 year old who keeps writing me...? Dude? You got it that I'm 45? I'm enjoying the cyber attention, anyway.

L.

Oooh Lise a toy boy. That could be fun - maybe not serious - but fun.

[latelatebloomer]

thought the first) We have newlywed friends - hip NY thirtysomethings, an artist and a chef, who are now opening a restaurant together - who met on an online dating site, don't know which one. As packed and social as NY is, a lot of grad students we knew were trying to link online. These two seem very good for each other - just to share another online success story.

thought the second) I had a horrid love life, specializing in a combination of pretty/empty/criminal. The initial sexual connection completely blinded me to the actual mess that was in front of me. First of all Providence sent me some great men friends who patiently taught me to be my real self in male company. Then just before I met the DH, I heard someone on the radio - methinks it was Joseph Campbell - say that in the first few hours and days of a relationship, one is forging a contract of how the relationship will work, and that it is almost impossible to go back and re-write terms, though we are tempted in the first glow to let many things "slide." I really thought about that in the beginning of the next relationship and we've been together for about 20 years - not always easy, but always real and still very passionate.

[Lise]

I had a horrid love life, specializing in a combination of pretty/empty/criminal. The initial sexual connection completely blinded me to the actual mess that was in front of me. First of all Providence sent me some great men friends who patiently taught me to be my real self in male company. Then just before I met the DH, I heard someone on the radio - methinks it was Joseph Campbell - say that in the first few hours and days of a relationship, one is forging a contract of how the relationship will work, and that it is almost impossible to go back and re-write terms, though we are tempted in the first glow to let many things "slide." I really thought about that in the beginning of the next relationship and we've been together for about 20 years - not always easy, but always real and still very passionate.

Ha! I am laughing at the "pretty/empty/criminal", because it so well identifies some of the past amours of mine! Argh, the stories we could tell. I, too, have been blessed in the past 5 years with some really good men friends. Loving them is what made me even consider dating men. As I think back on the things I let slide early on with the last guy I was with, I realize that contract was firmly in place from the second date. It was a useful experience, and something to learn from.

And back to the athletic dept--I went x-c skiing today in the gorgeous 8" of fluffy snow. Some better person than I had gone first, and laid down tracks I could ski in all around the lovely golf course right on the shore of Lake Michigan. So happy was I.

Driving home, I heard funny noises on the R rear side of the car. Stopped to get gas. Had a flat tire. Filling the tire from the hose at the station, I thought I would freeze. I really was scared. The temps were dropping, sun was setting, the station's on a windy corner, and my clothes were still wet in spots from falling over in the snow (I'm not much of a skier!). I was dressed appropriately for outdoor exercise, but not for crouching down next to the car, trying to fill the tire. My hands were in pain, and took a long time to warm up. Still tingling. I'm buying those down mittens now. I was wearing my warmest winter gloves, and it felt like I had nothing on my hands.

I hope the tire stays full with the air I put in...the Fix-a-Flat was frozen solid in my trunk. I'm warming it up now, and will go back out to check the tire. I'm now wearing several layers of warm, dry clothes. I saw several cyclists trying to navigate the frozen slush and sliding cars. Looks very dangerous. I wish they'd stay off the city streets when it's like this. If any of you are out in conditions like this, please be very, very careful. Lise

[laughlaugh18]

And it's also best as women, not to give them our phone number.

And sometimes even that's not enough. Back before cell phones I didn't want to give out my home number to an online guy until I'd met him. One guy was so affronted that I didn't trust him with my phone number that he used my email address and some software from a private investigator friend of his to track down my full name and address . . . just to prove that he could. Funnily enough, and much to his surprise, that did not endear him to me.

Although I never really felt threatened by this guy, I'm totally with carback about being careful. Besides the phone numbers and the meeting in public places, also think about using a secondary easy-to-trash email address for your online dating activites.

A friend's trying to get me back into the online dating world again. (I try every 5 years or so; my online experiences - not so good). This time I'm even thinking of getting a pay-as-you-go cell phone so that I don't have to give anyone my real cell phone number to start with. My real cell phone number is dearer to me than even my home number these days!

Yes, I have many friends with good online dating experiences, so I know it's possible. I just want to minimize my risks because my loony quotient unfortunately seems to be higher than most.

Cathy

[Trek420]

"loony quotient", I love it. Disposable cell phones, e-mail addresses, ah technology. the things we do for love. Gotta say I haven't had any problems with "loony". Dumb luck? Maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

Ok, fess up TE gals, do you Google your dates?

I'm told it's very much the thing in the 20-30 something set.