Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[Tuckervill]

I just wanted to add that I got the FAS thing mixed up in the stories, and I recognize that you didn't mention it at all, Barb. That said, whatever happened to those kids before you got them is still a huge hurdle full of unknowns that you can't be blamed for not being able to jump.

Karen

[bacarver]

Channlluv -

Yes, I have used journalling in the past. I wrote volumes that I burned once the kids had been gone for about a year. I couldn't keep the journals in the house because the presence of them continued the misery.

EMDR is a unique therapy that uses eye movements to unlock and then reprocess traumatic memories.

Onix - Yes, I've been in traditional therapy for this and it didn't help. I don't fit into a familiar category and it was hard for the therapist to know how to help me. I would greatly appreciate any resources.

Salsabike - Thank you.

Barb

[Shara]

I agree with what people have said so far and really feel for you Barb. Children are your children no matter how they came into your life. I like to think that your story hasn't ended. Your children are adults now and hopefully, at some point, they will start thinking about their childhoods and want to talk to you. For some people it takes a long time to get to a reflective period in their lives but I hope it happens for them. As for resources, I really don't have any ideas that haven't been suggested. I think there might be a lack of information because people don't like to say anything negative about adoption since it already has its own stigmas. But there should be something out there. I like the idea of starting your own

[indysteel]

Barb, I am so sorry about your situation. Like Trek420 said, however, what happened with your children is not unique to adoptive parents/children. Even in my own family, there have been long periods of estrangement between my parents and two of their three biological children. I think you might be able to find some support out there if you broaden your search to biological parents who are dealing with troubled or estranged children.

As for therapy, I wonder if you might benefit from trying another therapist or type of therapy, especially if your past experience is limited to just one therapist. Not every therapist or counselor is a good fit, nor is every therapist good at what she/he does unfortunately. It can take some trial and error as a patient to find one that works for you. With the right guidance, however, I firmly believe that it's possible to make traumatic experiences more bearable and to move forward with your life.

My therapist practices EMDR, and while I don't necessarily fit the profile for PTSD, I have had a few sessions with her so that she could get certified (and I could work through some baggage). I found it to be incredibly helpful. If nothing else, it helped cement my understanding that "I" am distinct from the events that have transpired in my life and the emotions that they trigger, as integral to me as they sometimes feel. It's given me a bit more distance from the sadness in my life.

Good luck with whatever you choose. I sincerely hope you find peace.

[Crankin]

Thank you, Indy for saying what you did about a bad therapy experience. I feel like I don't want to say anything, because people might think I was "pushing" my new profession, or worse, that I am just an over zealous grad student. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned trauma work. It's tough and often makes the flashbacks worse before they get better, but it does work. Trauma can encompass a lot of situations, although most people think of PTSD as only associated with military trauma or witnessing some natural disaster.
And I think someone noted that biological children can cause this type of estrangement with parents and that even "happy" adoptions aren't always perfect. How true! My brother is adopted (as an infant) and although we definitely had the same child rearing, he is a troubled (though functional) adult. I didn't know the scope of his issues until quite recently, as we are eleven years apart and don't talk that often. Even though he was always told he was adopted and offered help to search for his birth parents (he refused, saying we were his "real" family), I think the trauma of abandonment is so real for adoptees, that even if they have no other issues such as FAS, unless the attachment stuff is worked through, it's never going to be easy.
Just my opinion, and a very humble one at that.

[badger]

I know of so many families with estrangments, my aunt has been estranged from her daughter for over 25 years, absolutely no contact whatsoever. I don't think they'll ever reconcile; I have no idea what transpired the estrangement, I have never met my cousin.

I had some therapy with EMDR for my panic/anxiety disorder. While I don't think it worked right away, I do believe it helped me a great deal in the long run.

Good luck to whatever you decide to do!

[salsabike]

Barb, here's part of the response from my friend. I'm posting it here in case others on TE might benefit from it. There's also more private info and I will PM that to you. This friend is a long time social worker, one of the most loving and wonderful people I know, and had an adoption that they had to end, years ago. She is as recovered as anyone can be, but it can still raise tears sometimes.

She said to search on this website for other parents who have been through this: www.pnpic.org
(The Parent Network for the Post Institutionalized Child). She also said that she had placed an anonymous notification in the Adoptive Family Magazine in attempt to connect with other families experiencing a disruption. She got some responses and moved forward with talking to those folks.

[KnottedYet]

One of my ministers has been through some really rough stuff with his five adopted kids. I know the situation is not the same, but he's someone who is fairly well known for dealing with adoption issues and troubled kids. He might be able to put you in contact with other folks in your situation or know of some more resources.

At the very least, he's a wonderful guy to talk to.

Rev. Greg Stewart http://www.uusf.org/AboutUUSF/Ministers.htm
email: gstewart@uusf.org

[bacarver]

I did locate a website that deals with parents and their children who are estranged. This showed me the volumes of people out there who are suffering because of the separation. Sad stories. I have a lot to think about. Thanks for all the suggestions and concern.
Barb

[tc1]

Hi Bacarver.
I talked to my friend who did therapeutic foster care. He thought you might have a hard time finding support, because people don't talk about this too much. He said there is a tendency to blame the foster parents for everything that goes wrong, no matter the truth of things. He is willing to correspond by email if you wish to talk to him. Let me know and I will PM you with his email address.

[bacarver]

Hi tc1 -
Yes, I am interested in corresponding with your friend that has done therapeutic foster care. I will wait for a PM from you with his e-mail.
Thanks - Barb