Puzzling death circumstances in a family

[shootingstar]

To my shock, I learned just yesterday of someone's husband who died of supposedly Alzheimer's and pneumonia. The guy was under 55 and didn't have any heart nor respiratory problems. Was hubby of a woman friend that I used to have a close friendship for over 15 years but that faded to nearly nothing in past decade.

It just sounds abit strange...nowadays in North America to die of such causes. I've known the wife since elementary school and know her well as a high achiever in every front --school, her career, her finances (when she was single, bought her own home 2 years after landing a full-time job post-university studies) and no doubt, her 2 children in terms of child-rearing.

I am aware he was a stay-at-home dad for a few years and did undergo depression. Not certain for all the causes.

I was told this news in hush-hush way via another mutual friend.

Why is it I can't shake the feeling the reasons for his death are not stated as such...either to protect the children or whatever??

It is hard on surviving family members when a premature death occurs suddenly under rather cloudy circumstances or at least cloudy information communicated outside of the immediate family.

Maybe I'm just reading way too much into all this.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

The question really is- how important is it to you to know exactly how this man died? If it's very important to you, then perhaps you should ask his widow directly, since she used to be your friend. If asking her would make you uncomfortable, then maybe you are not close enough to the family to actually need to know all the details.
Yes Alzeimer's can kill, as well as pneumonia. Depression and bi-polar disorder 'kill' too- if the sufferer decides to take their own life.
Expressing your condolences through a card or a phone call, without inquiring about the details of his death would be tactful.

[azfiddle]

Sorry to hear of the loss, although it sounds as though you weren't extremely close to your friend and her husband at this time in your life.

This may have no bearing on your friend's situation, but my mom suffered from depression and took her own life about the time I graduated high school. Other family members did not want to explain the circumstances and told my grandmother that she died in a car accident. It was easier for them than explaining what really happened.

Regardless of the details, your friend may appreciate a card or call of sympathy, just to let her know you are thinking of her at this time.
Sharon

[wackyjacky1]

The depression might have been an early symptom of Alzheimer's. Also, it is common for Alzheimer's sufferers to aspirate food or saliva, which can lead to pneumonia. Because Alzheimer's debilitates both the mind and body, the inability to fight off infection makes pneumonia one of the leading causes of death for Alzheimer's patients.

[shootingstar]

The depression might have been an early symptom of Alzheimer's. Also, it is common for Alzheimer's sufferers to aspirate food or saliva, which can lead to pneumonia. Because Alzheimer's debilitates both the mind and body, the inability to fight off infection makes pneumonia one of the leading causes of death for Alzheimer's patients.

Perhaps this was all it was. I have lost touch with the wife, the ex-close friend of mine.

As follow-up to Tuckerville's thoughtful observation about suicide in general:
Now that I seem like a heartless, curious soul about my ex-close friend, do bear in mind a husband of first cousin that our family knows well, her husband committed suicide. The family did not hide the reason for his death.

And it has been tough on his surviving children who were young at that time.

That's all folks. There is nothing much more to say because I'm too distant to know anymore.

[Mr. Bloom]

Now that I seem like a heartless, curious soul about my ex-close friend

I don't think so...your comment here proves just the opposite:

Why is it I can't shake the feeling the reasons for his death are not stated as such...either to protect the children or whatever??

I think this kind of question and curiousity comes out of compassion and not heartlessness

[lph]

I would much rather have people ask me why or how someone died, than be so cautious and careful that they end up saying nothing or changing the subject. When my brother died of a heart attack I talked about him all the time to everyone, to make the point that how he died was not a sensitive subject, and I needed to talk. But I guess this is personal, and I'm sure it feels quite different if you lose a friend or family member to suicide. On the other hand, maybe that person desperately wants to talk about that too but doesn't want to be the one bringing up something "overly personal". I don't know.

There was a suicide at my workplace about 2 years ago. We were told just that he had died, and then the rumours started flying. I was quite upset that people spent so much time and effort musing over this *based on nothing but conjecture*, at the same time people who probably did know said nothing. How and why overshadowed and seemed more important than mourning him. I asked my boss and the HR people to please have a short mention of this man, whom many people knew and liked, at the next large meeting, just before Christmas. They hemmed and hawed about the "appropriateness", but I pointed out that *not* honouring his name and his passing was in fact just as painful for those of us who knew him and missed him, but didn't feel close enough to go to the funeral. So at the meeting our boss said a few words about him, and yes, confirmed his suicide, and there was 2 minutes silence. It was good. All rumours gone, and people could talk about how much he was missed, instead. My only personal experience with this.

[redrhodie]

Shootingstar, I wonder if there is an east/west difference about how death and mourning is experienced? I know from other threads that some topics which were not talked about in my house were openly discussed in yours. I'm curious if this is one of those situations where what we think is appropriate is cultural, not universal?

You are absolutely not heartless! I have wondered the same thing about my bf's nephew, whose death is a mystery to us because his family didn't want to talk about it even to my bf, the deceased's uncle. His family thinks it's favorable to not talk about anything painful. His mother and I talk a lot about the weather. Another case, in an unusually deep conversation where my bf's mother told me she had had a mastectomy, she also told me not to tell her son, even though the operation was when he was a child, still living with her. This is probably an extreme example, but we suppress a lot in our family.

[witeowl]

It just sounds abit strange...nowadays in North America to die of such causes.

My stepfather died at a relatively young age a few years ago... of a stomach ulcer (which the doctors knew about but were somehow unable to find and treat). I most certainly would not be surprised if your friend's husband did, indeed, die of the stated reasons.

[tulip]

I agree with Lisa...why is this your concern? If you feel that you have a place to ask, then ask the widow, respectfully. If you are just curious, well, you'll have to decide how curious you are.

Regardless of how he died, his death is a loss for his family and friends. Maybe it would be best to send your condolences and be there for your friend if she needs an old buddy to talk to.

[Cataboo]

Many many people die of pneumonia. Maybe he had more complicated problems than that, maybe he didn't... Maybe it was a strain of bacteria that was antibiotic resistant. Maybe he was immunosupressed. Depression causes immunosuppresion. However, since you were told this hush hush and aren't really close friends anymore... I really don't think that it matters how he died, it's still a terrible thing and isn't really any of your business... I don't see how it's face saving to tell people that he died of alzheimers or any reason to lie about that...

My sister in law was in a fire as a child and her lungs were severely damaged/burned. She ends up with walking pneumonia several times a year, and I'm quite certain that at whatever point she dies, she'll have pneumonia. And it may very well be when she's young. And she looks healthy to the average person, without knowing her history as a child it doesn't make sense that she always has pneumonia. And she lives in north america and has regular medical care, gets the standard treatments for pneumonia, she just can't clear it.

When my youngest brother died, I heard some of the rumors that were going around his school... "his family pulled the plug" or other ones going around the community and seriously... it was noone's business exactly what the details were of his medical history, and we really didn't need to recount them in great detail to any acquaintance to satisfy their morbid curiosity. And we especially did not need anyone questioning his diagnosis or anything like that.

[Mr. Bloom]

My father had demensia in his final months - similar symptoms to alzheimers, but different cause. Actual cause of death was pneumonia.

Anyway, pneumonia was a result of his aspirating into his lungs. Aspiration was a result of his intense agitation when he was fed something he didn't like. Agitation was a result of demensia and a resulting inability to handle disappointment in a normal manner.

The line might not be a straight one, but the cause/effect is likely legitimate.

Care givers in a situation like this have a virtually impossible and thankless job. I'd let the issue die along with him.

[solobiker]

Well said Mr. Silver


I work in health care and have seen and worked with many people with the above mentioned dx. Pneumonia is very tough to deal with alone, if you put other co-morbidities on top of that it is a whole different situation with many complications. I will have to agree with Mr. Silver....Let this issue die with him. I would not ask the family member what happened because it does not really matter, all that matters is that he is remembered for who he was. Sorry, but that is just my feeling on the issue.

[uforgot]

Regardless of how he died, his death is a loss for his family and friends. Maybe it would be best to send your condolences and be there for your friend if she needs an old buddy to talk to.

Exactly. I couldn't have said it better. It doesn't matter how he died, the loss is there. My father committed suicide, and I don't mind that people know about it, but if someone had come around and started asking questions about it, I would have thought that was just plain nosey. I'm sure people gossiped about it, but no one asked me intrusive questions and I appreciated that. Not that there is any sort of stigma, I never cared about how it "looked", but it's way more personal than what others think. I just didn't want to be reminded that maybe there was something I could have done or said, and I would have wondered one more time why I wasn't enough to stick around for. I didn't want to talk about it. With ANYONE for awhile. Asking the questions is not necessarily a comfort for the family. Does it really matter that much? It shouldn't. I would think you would just offer your condolences. Then, if they want to talk, about it, they will. 20 years later and it still hurts. Think about that before you worry about satisfying any curiosity. If you don't know, and they aren't forthcoming about it, leave it alone.

[PamNY]

Shootingstar, I don't find the cause of death surprising at all. The reasons for this have been well stated, so I won't repeat.

It's perfectly natural to wonder and be curious, but I think that expressing condolences and avoiding questions is the best course unless you know the survivors very well. If you have happy memories of the deceased, share those as well.

Death brings up so many things (our own mortality, for example) that I don't much worry about whatever thoughts pass through my head, but I try to be careful what I say. It's a fine line; sometimes people want to talk about the details, sometimes they don't.

My sympathies on your loss.

Pam