Dear So and So

[massbikebabe]

Sadie:

Sorry 'bout that squirrel, but the story you told has me ROFLMAO! Been there, know the feeling, cept mine was with a bunny on a night ride. I never knew that bunnies hiss...

karen

[SadieKate]

Dear Karen,

Bunnies hissing? OK, that one goes right up there with the butterfly I saw chasing a swallow last year.

SK

[Tuckervill]

Dear Pat from Michigan:

I don't know how clueless you have to be to get on the internet and Google Tuckerville and believe that Tanya's producers would be so careless as to leave the "E" off the name of her show in her email address. Why would Tanya use AOHell, anyway? Wouldn't she just have her very own website and her very own email address, like Tanya@tuckerville.com or something like that?

Even though you're clueless, I've enjoyed getting your misdirected fanmail. Thanks for not complaining that your emails are never answered. That would push me over the edge of temptation to pretend that I actually AM TT, and that would not be nice or fair. I don't know if Tuckerville has been renewed for another season, but if it is, feel free to write me again after every episode.

Signed,
Tuckervill

Dear Tanya Tucker:

I've had this name at AOL (and yahoo and hotmail and many, many online locations) for over 10 years. Yes, it was so long ago that allowing more than 10 letters in a screenname for thousands of people would have taxed the storage capacity of even the best servers in the world at the time. Even though I don't have the "e", I am still the original Tuckervill, and I expect the royalty checks to start any day, now.

Signed,
The Best, the Original, The Superfluous E Non-user, Tuckervill

[Bikingmomof3]

Dear Irresponsible Man Who Owns the Madone SL 5.9,

I realise your bike is expenisve, so does everyone else in the bicycle store, so it is really not necessary to park said bike in the doorway of the store. Surely you must realise when an excited 11 year olds run through the doorway to pick up their brand new Trek 3700- mere pocket change I realise to you- and your gorgeous and yes expensive bike is parked inside the doorway, you really should not be too shocked when your bike is *almost* toppled, thankfully 11 year olds have brilliant reflexes. Okay, it was funny watching you in your road shoes try and run across a concrete floor to reach your bike in time-really,you must admit now, that your bike is safe, how funny you looked. Next time, please park your ride out of the way of other patrons. We will all feel better.

[Brandy]

Dear new Spinning Instructor,

I'm sorry that when you yelled WHERE IS YOUR AAAAAAAAAAASSSSS??? during a standing climb, that I had a giggle attack and couldn't stop. I'm also sorry that I made Tiffanie start giggling. Welcome to the gym.

Love,

The bad student.

[Kitsune06]

Dear Guy Who Drove Into My Car:
I don't know what frightens me more- the fact that you were so preoccupied looking for an address that you turned right out of the center lane, into my car, then parked and didn't even look for me, or the fact that when I approached you about running into my car, you were still asking some biker guy on the sidewalk where this address was, then turned around when you saw me and asked ME where this place was, and seemed totally clueless about the nature of the situation when I told you you hit my car.

You don't have a phone, and your insurance doesn't have a phone number for you. You're the type if idiot driver that scares the h*ll out of me biking, and God knows, if you'd have hit me while I was on my bike, I could probably be laying there bleeding and you'd get out of your car and start asking me for directions.

I hope you lose your license- you're obviously totally unaware of your surroundings, and if I tell people this story, they'd never BELIEVE you were SO out of touch with reality.

Please go somewhere and lose your license, but don't start biking because you'll hurt yourself and others. Just walk.

Regards,
Kitsune-
A P.O'd fox.

[quint41]

Dear Municipal Bicycle Pathway Authority:

Thank you SO much for building the beautiful, paved bike path that you finished several years ago. Would it be too much to ask that you take a street sweeper to it once in a while to clear off the branches, rocks, broken glass, sand, and other miscellaneous crap so those of us with road bikes can use it again? Is it possible to maintain the surface to eliminate the cracks and grass growing from them?

Thanks again!

Your Community Bicycle Riders

[mimitabby]

Dear Municipal Bicycle Pathway Authority:

Thank you SO much for building the beautiful, paved bike path that you finished several years ago. Would it be too much to ask that you take a street sweeper to it once in a while to clear off the branches, rocks, broken glass, sand, and other miscellaneous crap so those of us with road bikes can use it again? Is it possible to maintain the surface to eliminate the cracks and grass growing from them?

Thanks again!

Your Community Bicycle Riders

Dear Quint41. I have had excellent luck with CALLING the city of seattle and complaining about glass on the side of the streets where I ride. One time they cleaned it the very next day.
So call them! good luck
Mimi

[mary9761]

Dear Morons in referral department of my PCC/NEUROSURGERY/ETC,
Is there really NO WAY for me to be seen BEFORE April 11?? I've been told you didn't have a more current MRI than 1991. That's funny my PCC who made the referral gave ME a copy of the Open MRI I had done in DECEMBER BEFORE sending a referral to YOU in the first place.
If it will speed things up, I'll be more than glad to bring you the bloody photo copy that my PCC OBVIOUSLY was able to pull up to send home with ME! You see I really would like to have my LIFE BACK sooner than later especially if I may be needing back surgery. I don't want to have that disk slip any more in EITHER direction because besides the sciatic pain, I really don't want to end up PARALYZED waiting to see you if something happens either.
Oh, and while I'm at it, dear people in charge of making sure I get refills or not of my pain meds while I'm waiting to be seen. I'm taking the VERY minimum of meds that I can but I don't want to end up being WITHOUT meds while I have to wait nearly 3 more MONTHS to be seen by Neuro surgery so please don't give me a hassle when I call to see if you've gotten that written up for me. I don't like taking the meds because they make me STUPID, but I don't want to be in terrible pain if the effects continue to wear off of the prednisone treatment I had earlier.

[Bluetree]

Dear Bad Dog-Owner Lady,

We are fortunate to live in the area where 99% of dog owners pay attention to the pet laws. People pick up their dogs' poo, make sure they are well-socialized, keep them on leashes and stay off the beach bike path. I appreciate their efforts. We live in a clean and pet-friendly environment. So it was so unusual to see someone like you who are either completely ignorant of the laws or consciously think that the laws do not apply to you and your little darlings.

It was bad enough to see your two little yappy dogs run willy-nilly across the bike path and beachfront, chasing runners and cyclists, running up and barking menacingly to other peoples' (leashed) dogs, while you stand there weakly calling, "Please don't do that baby!" The guy with the two Rotties had a time of it calming his previously-well-behaved dogs, who didn't appreciate hyperpactive terriers running up and barking right into their faces.

It was worse when one of your little tots ran directly into the path of a streetsweeper truck, forcing me to ditch my ride and wave frantically to the driver to stop in time (luckily he did).

But the absolute worst was when you saw that one of your darlings almost get run over. You yelled out frantically to him and he ran back to you (the one time he did listen to you.) When he reached you, you responded by slapping him and scolding him, "Bad dog! Bad dog!" Sure that poor dog is poorly trained and uncontrollable. But he had NO IDEA why he was being punished. And there was no need to slap him. For all he knew, he was beein scolded for running back to you. If he was uncontrollable before, he'll get even worse. What are you teaching him... that to come when you call is a bad thing?!

I would have stopped and given you a stern talking to, except there was a large bern between us and you were out of earshot. As I rode away, I saw the guy with the Rotties stopping to chat with you. I hope he informed you of pet law and etiquette. I hope you learn how to train a dog properly, or better yet, refrain from being a dog owner. I hope I never see you or your yappy dogs on the bike path again.

[Bluetree]

Dear brand new Castelli jersey,

I'm so sorry about this morning.

I was sloppy with the snot rocket and got shrapnel all over your left sleeve. I know I am much better on my right, but I will have to work on my left-sided technique so as not to mess you up again. Snot aside, you performed admirably on your maiden voyage, keeping me toasty warm despite the dense fog cover and ocassional drizzle.

There you go into the washing machine.
I'll be waiting for you when you come out.

[Scarlet]

Dear Lottery Balls
could you please make sure you are lined up this Saturday ready to be picked in MY ORDER............... so I can stop going to work and have time to ride my bike,
Oh yeh and make it a few million for the jackpot cause one aint enuf!!!!!

Scarlet

[shadon]

I thought it was so cool last year when you introduced me to the staff, by first telling them about my having done the AIDSLifecycle to LA. And as the days went by we "fell in love" as we realized what a perfect match I was for the job you had.

But....(isnt there always a 'but'), telling me to relax when I bring concerns to you...not aknowledging my my concerns about my performance...and finally freezing me out for a week....just isn't right.

Now..i'm gone from the job I hoped to retire from...this feels as bad as loosing a relationship. Now...I know for a fact that there's no one doing my job and someone else is gonna be faced with the very same mess I was.

Thanks...for nothing.

[chickwhorips]

Dear xPITA,
Who is still a very large PITA!!!!! I guess in your little mind its nice to set up a gmail account and have spam and other things go to it and have that account fwd to my other account so I get tons of Spam and useless junk. How old are you again? So I understand your hurt that I'm not there anymore. Well I'm not. I have moved on and I'm happy with life. Get over it! Its your fault in the first place why I left. Acting like a teenager (or who knows what) to make yourself feel like a bigger person is just annoying. You really need some sense knocked into you. Right now, I wish I had that baseball bat to knock that sense into you.
Idiot.

[Xrayted]

Ok CWR... so when should Kit and I come up there and kick his shins in? Is tomorrow too soon? Gawd, what an idiot!

Keep on doing well and being happy in your life. That is the best revenge.