Help! husband dislikes riding buddy

[kelownagirl]

I love what Jiffer said - well put! Dh and I have discussed and we both really agree with you.

I like this idea if a tandem works for you.

It can allow riders of different abilities to ride together, or for both of you to ride further or faster than you could alone.

Another choice is do rides with him but you take a heavier bike, he's on road bike, you take the mountain bike.

Or do a once a week hammerfest and do rest days with him.

I rode with my cousin, also bikerz, mellisam. My cousin is simply head and shoulders better than any of us. But he was happy to ride with us, he would sometimes turn off route and simply climb a hill just for fun and then come back down and meet up. And this was his rest day

Would DH be ok if you did hill repeats while he simply climbs a hill? Some people just aren't ok with that.

I agree with others that a good "biker buddy" is ideal. When you find someone who rides your speed and distance it is great.

DH and I have finally solved our "unequal" riding abilities issue to both of our satisfaction because we really like riding together. On days when he feels like hammering and I don't (or can't), he does 4 minute intervals (rides ahead hard for 4 minutes, then turns around and rides back to meet me), and he repeats the intervals as long as he wants. We get to touch base every 5 minutes or so, I can ride at my own speed, and I don't feel alone out there (I am still freaked out about riding alone since I became allergic to wasps). I am amazed how fast 5 minutes goes too. We don't do it the whole ride, usually it's just the middle 1/3 but it works great. One other thing we sometimes do - he rides my pace for a 30-40k ride and then he does 4-5 hill repeats when we get home to finish off his workout. Of course, after a year of riding together, the days he doesn't get a good workout are fewer and far between. I'm sure the same thing would happen with your hubby.

So how about some feedback Melalvai? Can you give us any more background? Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side? That would make a difference to me too.

[Melalvai]

Wow, I'm amazed at the discussion I sparked. Sorry I was out of town this weekend (being a cager unfortunately, not a cyclist, but we visited an old friend who had paid for a hotel room as our christmas present and we had an absolutely wonderful time).

Here is the long awaited background, and some responses.

I'm 33, we've been married 13 years come August, and 3 months ago I took this Road I course taught by, we'll call him Riding Buddy. I knew him sort of because he runs a yahoogroups list for commuters in our area. Almost immediately after the course I became a total biking nut! I loved the freedom I felt, how I own the road, the cars can't scare me, I know what I'm doing is right and I feel very safe, etc. (I recommend that course enthusiastically!!)

My husband didn't like that at all. I started going on long rides on the roads, not just the trails, and I posted on the list asking if anyone had any routes to recommend because I kept getting lost? Riding Buddy suggested I ride with him & his wife, and since then I've done several rides with him, his wife, and the two together. I ride with them about once a week. His wife is not up to distances over 40 miles, so the long rides are just him & me, or we all start out together and she might turn back early.

I would love for my husband to get to know Riding Buddy, but he doesn't want to. I wonder now if he was jealous before I started riding with him. Perhaps he blames him for my bike fanaticism.

My husband has made an effort to become more of a cyclist, probably out of jealousy. I ride a lot with him. I will go in to work an hour late if it means I can get a 1/2 hr ride with him. I would love him to increase his fitness, partly for his own health, and partly for my selfish enjoyment of going on more and longer rides with him. I would, and have, turned down a ride with Riding Buddy to go on a ride with my husband. I know I've gone completely nuts about biking and I am vigilant about spending time with my family (husband & daughter) both on and off the bike.

Riding Buddy is 5 yrs younger than me and very physically fit and attractive. I'm sure that doesn't help anything. He is not a womanizer and has traditional values (we have some fun political arguments) and I feel strongly that there is a line which if I crossed he would ride away as fast as he could and never speak to me again. I even mentioned (not in detail) that my husband was jealous just in case his reaction would be "jealous husband? See ya never, bye." but I was relieved when his reaction was more along the lines of "You gotta make your own decisions, I don't want to cause any problems". So if I decided to drop him he would be sad but understanding.

Tandem: that is one of my dreams. It would allow me to pick up/drop off my daughter at school, practices, etc without making her do the trip herself, and without me having to drive the car. It would allow us to go on long rides together. They are not cheap. I wouldn't object to selling the car to buy a tandem, but you can imagine that idea is not popular, besides, I do want to visit my family ocassionally, and to bike 200 miles, although I'm sure I could pull it off, would just take more days than there are in a weekend.

Club rides? clubs? Not so much in this midwest college town.

I waffle between "I should drop Riding Buddy because it bothers him" and "Why should I let his insecurities interfere with this friend?" My husband & I have talked about it...and talked...and talked... It seems like we talk it out and he's ok, then Riding Buddy & I go on a long ride and husband is upset. I have cancelled some rides because my husband said (when asked) that it will bother him. I also must admit that sometimes I have simply not said that I was not alone, and this is a step I really really hate, I am not a dishonest person and it bothers me tremendously to omit information on purpose to be misleading.

I can see from all the discussion that there it is, as I have already found it to be, not simple. I am confident that we will work through this, and I do not think the answer is as simple as "lost the Riding Buddy". I respect both my feelings and my husband's. His jealousy is a fact and I will not paint it wrong or unreasonable, on the other hand I know I will be resentful & angry if I give up a good riding partner to his insecurity. We have been through worse experiences, not jealousy but we have had other situations of resentments & expectations that were touch-and-go and I don't feel that our relationship is crumbling over this. Just getting a bit knocked around.

One way or another there will be some good stories out of all this to tell my grandkids and great grandkids just before I pedal away, leaving them in my dust.

[Melalvai]

Is this unusual for your dh or is he a little on the controlling side?

I'd have to say unusual for him, although not completely uncharacteristic.

[Melalvai]

My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

I should note that in the past, he has had a female friend here & there whom he hung out with quite a bit (RL, online, both). I don't have a problem with that, but then, he wasn't a born again bicyclist (or any other fanaticism) who she had "converted". So, in his shoes...I do not know how I would feel or react.

[Melalvai]

This is a very interesting thread. You've given us only the smallest amount of information and each of us is colouring our response with our own experiences and feelings.

Yes, this has been awesome, and I am amazed at the lack of flaming.

Sometimes having a training partner is the best or even the only way to reach your fitness goals. It would be a shame to have to give that up for any reason.

I should mention that I do not have specific goals, like to complete a certain distance or reach an ave speed or finish something in a certain time. When I ride with Riding Buddy, my goal is to have a challenging ride, whatever that ends up being. When I ride with my husband, my goal is for him to have an enjoyable ride. When I ride by myself, my goal is enjoyment.

[Melalvai]

Btw, how does your bike feel about this?

That's the best question yet!! My bike wants to go fast. It thinks I ought to ride much more often, with everyone or by myself! It wants me to spend money on really good lights so I can ride even the dark trail at night, and get clipless pedals. It wants me to spend money on supported rides (centuries and the like) and go touring. It wants more friends in the garage (tandem, spare bike for when its in the shop) and it wants that big old gas eating thing out of there!

It is such a demanding bike.

[mimitabby]

Mela
you seem to have a good understanding of the problem. And your husband can see intellectually that jealousy isn't helping, but feelings don't just disappear as we all know. they are there. So since he is intellectualizing, that will help.
THe other thing is the time thing.
I think that was the biggest gripe i had when DH was riding a lot and i was home with the kids. He could have been cycling with ugly dudes, it didn't matter. He was out on the bike and i was home stuck with chores (but i didn't want to ride at that point either)
look for used Tandems. Deals happen. I've seen them. Don't sell your car, you're going to want it in the winter

[Kano]

Almost immediately after the course I became a total biking nut! I loved the freedom I felt, how I own the road, the cars can't scare me, I know what I'm doing is right and I feel very safe, etc. (I recommend that course enthusiastically!!)

My husband didn't like that at all. I started going on long rides on the roads, not just the trails, and I posted on the list asking if anyone had any routes to recommend because I kept getting lost? Riding Buddy suggested I ride with him & his wife, and since then I've done several rides with him, his wife, and the two together. I ride with them about once a week. His wife is not up to distances over 40 miles, so the long rides are just him & me, or we all start out together and she might turn back early.

Mel,

are you SURE it's Riding Buddy that your husband is upset about?

Is your husband sure it's Riding Buddy that he's upset about?

Here's something entirely different to think about:

You've started riding on ROADS instead of trails. Roads are filled with CARS, and CARS are big, go real fast, and let's face it, if there's any sort of confrontation between a car and a bicycle, the car will win.

Is it possible that "I don't like you riding with Riding Buddy" is a way to avoid admitting "I'm scared crapless that something could happen to you while you're out there on the roads" ???

MINE says commuting to work is too far for me -- it's about half the distance of HIS commute and we ride that distance just to get a cup of coffee, and we've ridden down to where I work to meet friends for rides, so he KNOWS I can do it. I'm also not supposed to ride north of the freeway -- it's too dangerous for ME (though he does it every day) Oh, and then there's those delightful 30+ mph downhill runs: don't DO that! Then there was that other dandy: don't even THINK about moving your hands when you're going that fast! I think "that fast" was about 15mph that day.

You'd think MY DH could quit riding through the construction zone where "car back" is not just "car back" but "pissy guy in car back" cuz there's no WAY he can go around without taking out a whole bunch of orange barrels! (He took me through there yesterday, and the moment these guys could get around, they'd gun their engines and burn rubber to get around us!)

Karen in Boise

[Batbike]

In fact, my top 3 riding buddies are male! At first, I never thought anything of it, riding with men, because female riders are few and far between and the men took me in and helped me learn to cycle ... all good. Then, after time, my DH started wondering (just a little) about these "mystery men" I kept talking to, talking about, and riding with. So, I made it a point to bring him to group social events (off the bike) and introduce him. Then, I bought him a bike so he could learn to enjoy the sport and my cycling friends. It helped.

As for my FAVORITE riding buddy -- he was dating a woman at the time who became jeolous of our relationship and it strained their relationship. We both decided to make "extra" efforts toward each others' SO. My DH began to get more comfortable with my buddy because he too had a friendly relationship with him ... all good. As for my riding buddy, he broke-up with his girlfriend and is now dating a women who is not insecure and has no issues with us riding together - all good.

Today, my DH and favorite riding buddy, along with a few other friends (including 2 women and another favorite riding buddy) all rode together. It was fun, we enjoyed each other's company, and had a great ride! OK, it has taken a few years and a little work to get to this point, but marriage still in tack and riding buddies still firmly in place! All good!!!

[Zen]

You're 33, you've been married 13 years. You married when you were 20, still a girl.
You're discovering you're abilities and establishing some independence.
Riding Buddy is only part of the issue here.

[Mr. Bloom]

I waffle between "I should drop Riding Buddy because it bothers him" and "Why should I let his insecurities interfere with this friend?" ...

and I do not think the answer is as simple as "lost the Riding Buddy".

I do bristle at the idea that he is automatically insecure because of his concern. I know of plenty of situations like you describe here that turned into something else, it "just happened". I would characterize him as CAUTIOUS, not insecure...but I assure you that by continuing to rub salt in this wound, his caution is becoming insecurity...and that insecurity will escalate to something else soon if this continues.

I do think it's as easy as saying "lose the riding buddy", but I also have a serious problem with the double standard in his behavior regardless of whether you had a problem with it or not.

[Tuckervill]

If you want to keep your marriage, and keep it a happy one, lose the male riding partner. I'll probably get flamed, but this is an important issue to me. My husband and I make a point not to spend one on one time with people of the opposite sex, especially on an on going basis. We hang out with people of both sexes in a group setting.

This is not necessarily a trust issue or even an "ego" issue. Just a smart way to keep a healthy marriage.

By doing this, we eliminate any issues of possible jealousy, gossip from other people who might not know how platonic the relationship truly is and, of course, any possibility of infidelity. Most every extra-marital affair starts out as "just friends". Few spouses actually "plan" on sleeping with their "buddy" of the opposite sex, but the more time you spend with someone, the more opportunity you have of a spark getting ignited.

snip

Well, mature people don't have to worry about "accidentally" sleeping with someone outside their marriage. Mature people simply decide that it's not going to happen, and it doesn't.

Karen

[IFjane]

You're 33, you've been married 13 years. You married when you were 20, still a girl.
You're discovering you're abilities and establishing some independence.
Riding Buddy is only part of the issue here.

The wise and wonderful zen has done it again. I completely agree (voice of experience).

The problem is, if you ditch the riding buddy you are compromising your goals/abilities/fun on the bike. In time resentment will grow (though you might not realize it at first - it will be internal). However, if you DON'T ditch the riding buddy, you also may be compromising your relationship with your DH.

Bat, I like the way your worked your cycling issues out. Maybe you could follow her plan, Mel?

[lph]

I also think it's a personal choice what kind of relationship you want to have (the two of you). At some point you need to discuss things like:

Do both of you *want* to have friends of the opposite sex? Is this a better idea in theory than in practice? Would you prefer your partner didn't have them? Are you willing to suffer feelings of insecurity and jealousy to let him/her keep those friends? What can you do for each other to make it easier? What's your "comfort limit", and what would change it?

I'm sure you've been through a lot of these, but if you can keep it general, not specific, and agree on the main points, you'll have some answers, at least.

[short cut sally]

I wanted to comment on this thread earlier but just didn't have the time to do so, I wanted to let you know about my riding and parteners. I started riding by myself, a few co-workers (female) started riding also, then we slowly got to know each other, and started riding together. We would plan day trips and I always tell DH the stories. We all got better bikes and a male co-worker started riding on occassion with us. DH was made aware. DH I don't think was happy, mind you 3 females, 1 male. The more the male rode, the more DH would comment, do you really need to ride, and you need to make your priorites, there are things around the house that need to be done, etc. Still continued to ride, it was something I could and loved to do and got me out of the house. (It should also be put in at about this time I was also learning how to become independant from him. He was always, what he said, ruled the house type of thing, and I never went anywheres on my days off, stayed home, etc. and I started doing things I wanted to do which I don't think was high on his list to begin with). So, he realized that the male co worker wasn't going away, then DH decided he wanted a bike. "it would be fun" The only time he rode was when the male rode with us. THen if the male rode anywheres near me, DH was right there, other than that, DH rode with the other females or with the male when we rode together. The male hasn't rode with us in almost a year, and DH has only rode 12 miles since with me. I've even told Dh that there are other males, whom he's met at work, want to ride with us, so he's aware that there are other men at work that ride, but then the comments start again that I spend too much time on my bike, and my priorities are different than his..yada yada.... But yet, he tells all my female friends that he wants to ride but just doesn't have the time when they ask when is he going to ride with us again. SO, in my case, I think it might be more than you are riding with a male riding partner, which doens't help. In my case, I think it was a whole combo platter going together. DH still makes comments to me that I spend way too much time on my bike, and should get my priorites set, even when I ride by myself. To which I reply that bike riding is my priority. His priority is work. We just have difference of oppionions, but in the end we still get along well, and look forward to each others company. I've asked him several times to ride with me or the group and get the same reply that he's too busy. ( we've been married 21 years). So, I sortof know where you are coming from. To make my relationship less taxed, I try to avoid confrontation and usually forgo the male encounters or just delete from telling DH that we as a group rode with a male, which I feel is not good. Good luck with your situation. HOpe things work out for you.