Balancing career, parenting, chores, cycling..

[margo49]

they still like it when their friends say, "Your mom rode how many miles? OMG! No way."
.

+1

Luckily the human brain is not so good at distinguishing between actually riding,thinkng about biking and bikes, remembering past tours in one's youth,watching the Giro/TdF/ Vuelta on Eurosport TV, perusing TE boards...

(the body notices of course, but I don't let that spoil my emotional highs -
la la la tra la la tra la la.)

Whether I am riding or not, I am a cyclist. All the rest is things that I do

[I think I ate too much nutmeg today]

[Grog]

No matter what my husband winds up doing. (He's graduating in January so we don't even know what his career situation is going to be like.)

This is a naive question: have you two considered that he might stay at home for a little while, say after you have breastfed for a few months and then returned to work? Your career sounds much more established than his at this moment...

[Triskeliongirl]

Xeney. I am glad you posted more details on your situation. I agree with the poster who suggested that since your career is more established that perhaps your husband could adjust more initially. I will also tell you that work and breast feeding is possible, if you are willing to express milk during the day (I know, I did it..........twice). We have a neighbor, and she is a high power lawyer while he is the stay at home dad. He also does some consulting from the home, but he is the primary care giver to their 3 young children. I really don't think you should give up a job you clearly enjoy, but you do need a plan. WHehter that means your husband is primary care giver in the beginning, or that you find good daycare, there are ways to do it. I also flew my Mom out to help out with both kids between the time they were born and the time they were old enough to start daycare. We even had a 'sick child daycare' at our local childrens and womens hospital (this was when I lived in Pittsburgh), so if your child was sick you drop them off there, they get their doctors visit taken care of, prescriptions filled, and nurses care for them, and you get a full report at the end of the day. Of course this service wasn't cheap, but if there is a day when you just have to be at work, it was great to have.

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.

The real question is how does your husband feel about all of this? You said he just graduated? What is his field? What are his prospects? Would working out of the home for a little while be an option for him?

[xeney]

Well, yes and no. If he doesn't get a good job offer that is definitely on the table. But the way his field works is that recruitment is heavy right around graduation, and it can be hard to break in after that. So while I'm more established, I'm also in a better position to be able to take a break. (He's actually very well-established in his current specific field, and in fact his hourly consultant rate is higher than my billing rate will be, but he's trying to change tracks because he's not happy doing what he does now.) Since he's graduating mid-year he will very possibly keep consulting until next June, and then jump into the hiring field with the new graduates, and that would be ideal for us because it means we'd both have tons of flexibility during the baby's first nine months.

I also have wanted to go into private practice for a long time so this is in some ways the chance I've been waiting for.

[LadyinWhite]

The question I have here is whether all the dads also gave up riding ... or running, or fishing, or whatever their thing happened to be. Because from looking at my friends, that doesn't seem to be what happens. Dad keeps doing what he always did, and Mom -- whether she works or not -- stays home doing all the "balancing."

I don't really expect it to be any different in my family. If I can get a babysitter, I will probably be able to do some of the things I did before I was pregnant (hiking, cycling, canoeing). But I am one hundred percent sure that my husband will keep doing those things with or without a babysitter.

My DH and I are a true partnership. He might be a bit more scatterbrained than me (I keep track of everyone's schedule) but he's there 100%. His weekends and evenings are absolutely as devoted and filled as mine. And - when my job won't let me be there for stuff, he bends over backwards to make sure he is there instead.

Guess I got a good one 22 years married, I think I'll keep him.

[LadyinWhite]

Another interesting thing my daughter has told me as a young adult. When she went off to college, she was surprised to find out how atypical our family is, in these sense that we have great relationships with each other, we are still married after 23 years, etc. Most of the young women she meets have poor relationships with their parents, their parents have poor relationships with each other, etc. I think taking care of ourselves in terms of our health, doing serious work that we love, etc. contribute to both the physical and mental health of our family.

You are so wise. Your family sounds like mine - I hope, projecting forward 5 years, we remain as together as you guys. Wish me luck!

[xeney]

I missed Triskeliongirl's second post. Pumping at my workplace is not an inviting prospect; the few people who have attempted it have given it up in short order. And, to be honest, I'm not that dedicated. That is the breaking point I see for a lot of working mothers: demanding job, demanding hours, baby in daycare ... but it's pumping three times a day that kills them. If I couldn't work during that time I'd have to work longer hours to make it up, and I am just not willing to do that.

We have family daycare available but it would not work if I keep my regular job, because I have to be there every day for a certain number of hours. Working at home I can make the same amount of money (factoring in self-employment taxes, COBRA payments, retirement contributions, and the few business expenses you incur in my particular line of work) with 25 billable hours per week, which I can do with a couple of days of grandparent care and some trading off with my husband. If I go back to work, it has to be full-time (part-time and flex-time aren't options, and I have to be there after five p.m. fairly often which also makes daycare difficult), and it's at least double what I need to do at home.

So it's kind of a no-brainer. Especially since I left out the fact that the administrative part of my job -- the part I'm going to be walking away from entirely -- is boring and maddening and makes me think about quitting at least once a day.

And that's where balance comes in, and why I liked Triskeliongirl's first post so much. I don't want my daughter to think that she has to give up anything else she wants in life if she decided to have a child, but I also don't want her to think that a working life needs to be joyless and crushing and all-or-nothing.

[Crankin]

I agree soooo much with Trisk's post. My husband did stay home with son #1 until he was eight months old. Other things in our lives worked out so he could and it really relieved stress for me about going back to work after 6 weeks. He was a colicky baby and I swear, I can still see myself getting into the car the first day i went back and going "Phew..." I mean, I know what I was wearing, after almost 25 years! I also think that sometimes I am the only one who has a husband like mine. Maybe I was lucky that I am a teacher and I do get home earlier than most people, so I could drive them to activities, but there were still a lot of stresses.
Both of my sons are very clear that they need to marry "women who can contribute to the family income." The oldest is dating someone who is an architect, stuck at a horrible internship type job. She's made some career mistakes after going to a very expensive and prestigious school (RISD). From what my son tells me, her parents have given her no "guidance or role models." He says they are like old hippies and she has to parent them. I feel badly for her, so Steve and I try to help with advice when she asks. She is 27 and should be in a different place by now, given some of the other things she's done. So, I can see how the way you conduct your own life can affect your kid as an adult. I know for sure that my kids will be totally participatory dads who work as a team with their wives, because that is what they lived while growing up.

[singletrackmind]

What do I do? I take the kid with me!
In a back pack...

In a trailer...

On a mountain tandem...


We've gone as many as 12 miles with the pack and up to 80 in the trailer. We've had the tandem 2 weeks and he's put 75 miles on it so far, up to 23 miles at a time on road and 8 miles off.

In his words:
"Really really much fun!"

I'm a stay at home mom. He's 3. It means giving up some luxuries but we're making do ok. My riding style may have changed to accommodate the kiddo, but at least I'm riding. My husband rides when he can after work and he gets first choice during the weekend, though we generally try to ride together at least once. I wouldn't have it any other way, and I get rides in during the day. I may be the luckier one, the kiddo sings and talks and asks questions and generally has a good time. I'm glad to be a part of it.

It'll prolly be trickier when he does go to school, I plan to try working while he's learning. Well, they're only young once and it's not a sacrifice, it's an honor to be witness to his process of growing.

Guess when he starts going to school it'll be 'you rode how far? No way!'

[maillotpois]

It is so great to hear these comments - especially from women like Triske and Robyn with adult(ish) children who worked when the kids were growing up and set an example of one way of combining your career, life, goals with the goals of your children. Thank you!!! I am hoping I am setting such a fine example for my daughter. I'm certainly in the minority as most mothers here do not work. (I'm also, at 40, a good 10 years younger than most of the mothers.)

Xeney - on the pumping thing - do you have an office or is there an office available? I did pump for a couple of years, and it was tricky. But I would shut my door and people knew not to open it. (I also brought my daughter to work for a couple of months and it was funny to see the senior partner - a childless 50-year old - occasionally walk in while I was nursing. He was a super good sport about it and I think in the end it was a good experience for all. But I wasn't doing as much litigation work at that time - mostly research and motion writing.

[maillotpois]

Excellent singletrack!!

See my avatar - that was during the Cinderella Classic metric century a couple of years ago...
<------

[xeney]

I have an office, and my work is all appellate work so I don't have to go to court except for oral argument. But nobody ever respects the "do not disturb" sign and there is a sort of office culture of "knock and enter," without waiting to see if it's a bad time. And really it's just the interruption of billable hours that makes it so difficult. (That and the fact that we are in an ancient building where any extra electrical appliances will blow a circuit ... I would have to use a manual pump, there is no place to plug in an electric one unless I want to unplug my computer three times a day. Oh, man, I can't wait to get out of there.)

We already have our bike trailer and I just bought the jogging conversion kit and infant insert so I can use it right away even if we have to wait a year to use it on the bike. I am being realistic about the fact that I'm not going to be doing much if any riding for the next year, but I should be able to run. I'd rather ride, but I will take what I can get.

[maillotpois]

Oh, well, the plug thing is sort of a deal breaker. Hmm. I will say that I think they may have better battery models than they did 10 years ago....

[Triskeliongirl]

What an interesting discussion! Xeney, while I see for you that working at home makes sense, just for the record, expressing milk doesn't mean pumping. I used to have a routine where I would manually express once a day at work, both breasts simultaneously and get two bottles worth in about 15 minutes. I did have a private office with a lock (you could always intall your own lock that can't be opened from the outside). I basically put two jars in my top desk drawer with two large funnels inside, bent over, thought of my baby, and did it. It did get stressful if I didn't get enough, and then I would have to wake up during the night and do it. My daughter couldn't tolerate formula so I didn't have a choice. A private office makes it a lot easier, but once I had a technician that was pumping and I let her use my office, which was good cuz it forced me into the lab. Now our university actually has rooms for nursing mothers, equipped w sofas, pumps, baby pics, etc. Times have changed.

I also had one of those baby backpacks! I also remember going to scientific meetings and visiting poster sessions with a baby on my back in my younger days.

[singletrackmind]

maillotpois, every time I see that avatar I get a smile....a metric century is great, wonder how long it'll take before the boyo can go that far? Well, we'll see, we'll see. I'm ecstatic with the 20+ milers we've done, but almost can't wait to get back to regular mileage....specially since I won't be pulling the trailer against the wind anymore.

xeney, we started in the trailer at five months, when he could hold his head up with a helmet on. We started short til he built up strength (pretty quickly). Having pillows to sleep or rest on was a big plus for him.

My sister is a single working mom who is also going to school to become a nurse. She's now on the last of her 6 year schooling. How she does it mystifies me, but she does. Her kid is clean, well-behaved, confident and in the gifted program at her school. And with a near deadbeat dad as well. Amazing!