'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

**Bluetree** · 08-30-2006, 03:50 PM

Yes Cheri,
you were right to come here. I think what everyone agrees is that its OK to talk about these things and enlist help in overcoming problems. And its vital to talk to your CBF and your PCP and OB-GYN.

I think you'll be very surprised at how understanding your CBF can be... men have a need to FIX things and he may feel useless/helpless if you don't present him with things to, well, fix. Once you make him aware of the problem I'm sure he'll be gung ho and extra supportive... esp. because he knows what the rewards are!

Your PCP and Ob-gyn are also essential places to go. Believe me, having lived with physicians for years, there isn't much they haven't seen or heard.
If it's physical, they probably have the solution.

Most of all, don't beat yourself up over this. As women, we often make things more emotional and complicated than they really are. Let people help you... not only for your own sake, but for theirs. People who care about you want to help... the most unselfish thing you can do is to let them.

Take care.

**BleeckerSt_Girl** · 08-30-2006, 04:46 PM

I know this may sound strange, but try watching a really sexy movie together in bed with some ice cream or other fun treat, like a little movie house for the intimately inclined. It can be a funny movie, or serious, or raunchy- but just be sure it's got some hot stuff going on in it one way or another. This can definitely inspire the mood for both of you, and it makes it like a fun "date" too.

**mimitabby** · 08-30-2006, 05:48 PM

the best form of birth control for leaving your sex drive alone is a vasectomy.
I suffered from not much sex drive too while i was on the pill.
A marriage with a vasectomy right after 2 kids are born is what i've had, and it's the best
way to go!
I was never super hot, so add that little bit of hormones
and what i had would have just gone away.

and now, as an old lady,... well, let's just say it's along the same lines
as making a nice dinner or giving / getting a good massage. something you do for happiness, pleasure and togetherness. hey, or riding a bike!

**CycleChic06** · 08-30-2006, 07:13 PM

Cheri
I just had this same conversation with my friend. She had a similar problem, completely lost her libido, but for her it turned out that as soon as she switched her pill she was totally fine. All our body chemistrys are different and we all react differently to hormones. What could be fine for one person could totally screw with someone else. I would totally ask your doctor again if she can switch your pill.

Emily

**esther231** · 08-30-2006, 08:43 PM

Cheri, I agree with everyone that it could be phyiscal and it doesn't hurt to start there.

I've been married 30 years. So, it's been awhile since I haven't made love regularly. But I remember that the times in my life when I wasn't making love regularly, I lost my sex drive. When I do make love regularly, I find it again. I have no clue why it's like that but it is like that for me.

We've had date nights for decades. It just helped to take a night where we both set everything aside to be together and do something we enjoy. Sometimes we got into taking turns - it's your turn - what do you want most to do this week and the next week it was the other person's turn to figure out if it was gonna be a dinner or a night with friends or a walk or whatever. Sometimes we would decide together. It doesn't matter. What matters is that, for us, it was a way of saying you're important to me, I value this. I think that helped us to stay connected sexually.

Since both of you know it's been awhile - talk about it with him. Even in passing - it doesn't have to be a heavy conversation - better even if you can laugh about it - would acknowledge the elephant in the living room so you can start moving it out the door.

**Aggie_Ama** · 08-30-2006, 09:26 PM

Originally Posted by KnottedYet

I don't know where the media get the idea of "average" events a week.

While living with the DPITA it could be 4 times a day, or 4 times a year. We've done everything from 17 hours without leaving the bedroom, to nothing for 6 months, and back. I read a very funny quote about this once that said "you can't be in a state of orgasm ALL the time."

Stuff goes in cycles. If you have no medical issues, and if you're both in the slow spot, don't let the media make you fret about it. If you still enjoy each other's company and are still each other's best friend and nothing else is wrong... well, you're ok!

"Slow" times can be really nice, if you don't let it stress you out. (we panicked the first couple times. Don't be like us!) Bodies and minds focus on something else for a while. Make a "date" to NOT have sex. Watch a sexy movie (good suggestion!) or a "nice" movie (like "Sweet Home Alabama") in bed with wine and special food treats. Give each other a foot rub or massage. Then go to sleep.

Some couples just don't have sex all the time. Some do. It's a dynamic of two people, so you may be different with one person vs. another.

If everything else is ok, don't worry too much.

This is great advice. My DH and I have been together nearly 9 years, lived together 4, married 3. I think we communicate well, definitely are best friends, but it is has always been inconsistent for us. There are times where we don't get enough sleep because someone kicked on the sex drive. Other times we may have sex once a month. I was baffled because I happen to know my parents had/have a very active sex life. I thought my parents were the norm and I was weird, but I talked to a few trusted friends and they said they are the same way. DH and I are definitely influenced by stress and even the time of year.

I would look at your relationship and see if you are denying some emotional problem. If not, it might just be a stage and it will work itself out.

**BleeckerSt_Girl** · 08-31-2006, 07:23 AM

Obvioously it bothers you to a certain extent- so that means it IS a problem.
I suggest you bring it up with your BF and ask him if it bothers him as well. You really should do this, if nothing more it will show him you care about the relationship. Find out if it bothers him as well, and then take it from there- together.

**bcipam** · 08-31-2006, 09:14 AM

Cher...

Put things in prespective... you could be 55, beauty and youth long past, living alone with no prospects of romance except for a cat who loves you but maybe its because you are a food giver, day in and day out, no one to share your day and life with, except again the cat, having a sex drive but no release or anyone to play with.***

Life's not perfect, be grateful for what you have. Give him a big hug, snuggle up and tell him you love him dearly and see what happens. Many would love to be in your shoes, lack of sex drive and all...

***this is just a hypothetical mind you... I'm not in anyway talkin' about myself!

**Lenusik** · 08-31-2006, 09:52 AM

Cher,

If you are concerned about the pills, you may need to change it. I've been on OrthoTrycyclin Light for 2 years and never had any problems. Maybe this is something that may work for you as well. However, as I mentioned earlies, you need to talk and share with your BF. He will help.

Regards,
Lenusik

**eofelis** · 08-31-2006, 10:26 AM

Originally Posted by cherinyc

I am on the Nuva Ring for birth control, and period regulation - and I asked my gyno if she thought that would be decreasing my libido - she said prob not.

I tried the Nuva Ring too. I've had low/no libido for a long time (I'm 38). Plus I've had lots of YI problems. My gyno said the ring may help these, so I tried it. I only used it for 5 days (went back to my pill) b/c I thought it might be irritating me down there.

Anyway, check out this link on the Nuva Ring:
http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com...pic/7/281.html
for posts about other women's experiences with the ring. Many speak of lost libidos. There are 30+ pages of posts there!

For now I've gone off all BC. I really don't need it as bf is "fixed" (his choice). Recently, my libido is actually coming back. So I'll see how the trend continues for me there.

I've done a lot of looking around online about lost libidos in women and it seems to quite widespread and I thought that this is quite interesting and unnatural. Is it all the BC hormones? Something cultural/psycological? Environmental/biological? Something just ain't right.

**BleeckerSt_Girl** · 08-31-2006, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by bcipam

Put things in prespective... you could be 55, beauty and youth long past....

Hey, WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!

**esther231** · 08-31-2006, 01:28 PM

HOWLING!!!

I thought the exact same thing. I like being 54. It's a great place to be. I know it looks different when you are younger but when you get here, you find out it's really a nice place. Amazingly nice.

**margo49** · 08-31-2006, 01:35 PM

Hear, hear

signed margo49
who is more than 49

**BleeckerSt_Girl** · 08-31-2006, 01:38 PM

It's TRUE! I'm 52 and I feel more beautiful, sexier, stronger, and healthier now than I ever was when I was in my 20's....or 30's.... or 40's!
(did I mention more modest too?)

Lisa (still gettin' better)

**Lenusik** · 08-31-2006, 01:39 PM

Well yeah!, I am only 31 but i am planning to be a "crazy and sexy" grandma as well.

Thread: 'sigh' Sex talk - need advice

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