Has anyone gone from very unhealthy life style to a healthier one?

[GLC1968]

Joyful - keep at it! From your original post, it looks like you've been at this for about a month, right? If so, my guess is that you are almost through the woods in terms of the diet issues. I can't speak to the smoking thing because I never picked it up (growing up with a smoke-stack for a mom, kept me off it), but I had some AWFUL unhealthy diet and sleep habits. Almost 3 years ago I was at my highest weight (just shy of 170 on a 5'4" body) and I was WAY out of shape. I'd used to be an athlete too...so it was terrible knowing what to do to be healthy but then not doing it. I was addicted to sugar and caffene...I was sleeping like crap...I was stressed beyond normalcy...

Then one day, I got up, did an early morning workout (I picked an 'easy' one and it just about killed me!) and immediately felt emotionally better (even though I was sure I'd puke any second). The first month was awful...I got bigger, I weighed more, I was sore all the damn time, I was sleeping even worse and I was literally dragging my *** through my days. And then the clouds parted and birds began singing...well, sort of! There was definitely a clear point when I woke up one day and felt 'healthy'. I don't know what threshold I'd crossed, but it was definitely there. My guess is that you are also almost there.

Keep it up...it only gets better from here on out! I still struggle almost daily with the sugar addiction and I haven't completely given up caffene, but I am 200% improved. There isn't an athletic activity out there that I would shy away from right now...even though I'm still 25 lbs away from my goal. You have made a lot of tough choices, but you are doing it and you WILL get there. Patience is truly a virtue!

[latelatebloomer]

Joyful, first of all, thanks for those kind admiring words to us big women who are making changes. That did my heart good today. I think I speak for all of us big'uns when I say that some of the lessons we learned that made our changes possible were:

1) Try not to let yourself get frustrated. That's probably the thing my trainer says to me most often, right after "Drink some water for me." Changes take time to become apparent. Trust that you are doing the right thing and don't keep rushing to check for results. Not easy, I know.

2)Don't berate yourself for not doing better. Everything you are doing is fantastic. Setbacks? They happen to everyone. Shake it off and keep moving forward.

3) Sweet talk your body, don't treat her like the enemy. Sounds like she's been a battleground - how smart you are at 27 to decide to turn her into your haven. I waited until I was 44!

By the way, I ate and drank (and i mean bottles of wine and pitchers of cocktails-drank) my way to almost 300 lbs. I joke that cycling really cuts into my drinking. Cut into my eating, too. Now a half-full bottle of wine can sit in the fridge for days, and I think about pedaling uphill when junkfood is around. Suddenly chips & dip look like the devil himself!(Now I realize I should cut down on coffee. Man, it's the only organized religion I have left!)

There's a great tenet of Buddhism, "In having compassion for myself, I reconcile all beings." Have compassion for yourself. I think the process of change (healing) is tiring in and of itself. Let yourself rest and relax. Another think my trainer (my friends call him my Obi-wan) says is "rest is as important as work." And he's won something like 12 races so far this season, so it must be true!

hugs from LLB

[JoyfulGirl]

I Tri-I'm going to have to do alot more reading up on all the things you mentioned. After that I'll probably have to email you to straighten all the info out in my head Thank you very much, I appreciate it. I did start taking a general once a day vitamin thing. Lord only knows what's in it though. yikes.

Barb- The riding doesn't make my lungs revolt so much as I'm really sucking to get oxygen. My legs are killing me and burning. I get some winded. Not as much an issue on flats as on hills.. But what kills me is I just think of how hard it is. Then wonder how much easier it'd be if my lungs were operating better and my muscles were better oxygenated.. and then ya know it plays hell on the heart too.. So I start grudging the cigarettes what they do to my body all in all. Best wishes to your boyfriend in quitting. The patch and wellbutrin are cool and help physically.. It's all the triggering things and the physical action of smoking that make me wonder if I'll ever really quit. uhg. I'm just being pleased with myself for cutting back for now.

KnottedYet- Really, I'm not a quitter, I don't get any kudos so far <G> I'm a uhm. Reducer I guess. I'm glad you quit when ya could though. I WISH i was a pack a month smoker though. lol.

SnapDragon- Thank you for letting me know you felt like crap too. I feel silly cutting back on smoking so much but not quitting. I feel like hell AND I'm still a smoker. The best of both worlds <G> or maybe not. baby steps baby steps baby steps.

maillotpois- Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that story. It's hard to think of what else to say after reading that. I guess I'll complain a bit less. I'd like to know how that ride turns out for her if you don't mind sharing later...Thank you.

Luv'nAustin- Hurrah for the diet changers Does eating in the morning make you queasy? I just have a hard time stomaching food for the first few hours after I wake up even at the best of times. Not too sure what to do about it.

Fredwina- Hey, huge congrats on the weight loss! I could handle the slow results if I didn't feel so rotten in the mean time. <G> It's not great incentive to keep it up, I felt -better- livin' unhealthy. Go figure. Oh well. I figure as long as I keep biking and exercising everything else will follow. And Even if it doesn't I'll still be way better off just for the exercise.

Pachyderm- Thank you for the words of encouragement. For the last year+ I've been Supa' Sedentary Girl.. Before that I was actually pretty active. Kind of what makes this embarassing. In school I romped through most organized sports. Was in track, basketball, volleyball, cheerleading<it's a sport, it really is> did things on my own like inline skating, swimming, I'm still really addicted to snowboarding. As I got older.. Eh. life happened. and I bounced between sedentary and overly active that resulted in some injuries which led to me being a sloth. That's the history of me. Trying to be reasonable about getting into shape. I'm the type that hops up and decides to go run 20 miles after lounging in bed for months.. then wonders how on earth did I get a stress fracture? Trying to be more reasonable and make more long term positive shifts this time around... I'm going to be positive now and say, I know we're BOTH going to get feeling better soon

GLC1968- Yeay for both of us Once active and healthy people who are getting back at it. Emotionally this exercise thing is the bomb. I woke up one morning and was actually crying in my coffee. Figured there wasn't any reason I couldn't cry while I biked.. Might as well do SOMETHING positive. By the time I got home from it I felt great. It's a wonderful thing. I just want to feel that well physically too<G> Glad someone elses has crawled through the other side of the tunnel and can say it WILL get better. I have to admit though, no intentions of totally giving up my caffiene, No shame in my heart for some sugar either. But I don't want it to be to the exclusion of the healthy things I do need. Maybe someday I'll see that as being necessary for feeling better but for now.. Just not gonna sweat it. Just glad someone else can say, "then the clouds parted and birds began singing...well, sort of!" that brought a smile to my face

latelatebloomer- Glad it did your heart good.. Losing weight's a great thing, the lifestyle changes that bring it about really impresses the heck out of me... more so than the numbers on the scale.
I'll keep your advice in mind. I'm not really looking for any specific results, and I don't really beat myself up over having a smoke, eating my icecream or even skipping a ride if I'm still tired from the last one.. But #3 really got my attention. I have been looking at my body as a warzone lately. She feels like it. I will be nicer to her. In having compassion for myself, I reconcile all beings.. I like that.


I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond. Been kind of running around like a chicken with my head cut off these last few days. House sitting and dog watching for the next few weeks. Was getting settled in. I think me and the dogs are going to go for a nice long walk in a few minutes. It's funny though, I'm in a house out in nowheresville, it's really pretty up here.. but not a store with smokes for miles, a kitchen packed full of healthy food, and my job for the next few weeks is to take long walks with dogs regularly. Ask and you shall recieve I guess. Universe has a funny way of delivering.

[plantluvver]

I used to smoke 2 packs a day. When under stress, three to three and a half. At the height of my depression, I and my boyfreind would drink about 5 pots of coffee (the 12 cup pot) daily.

Now I don't smoke, though I will cheat. ( I know that it is risky, but I just do sometimes). I usually limit myself to about 16 ounces of coffee per day. My diet still is really bad. I skip too many meals. I surf the net late at night.

I don't drink too much pop at least. Maybe one or two cans a week at most. Though sometimes I will go on a little binge of three or four days in a row.

But I now feel so much better, to realize that I have made these improvements, even though my weigh just creeps up steadily. I remember trying to walk up a sand dune, maybe 20 years ago, when I was only thirty pounds overweight, but smoking. I needed two or three rest stops. And had a cigarette during those. Now although I weigh 260, I think I could walk straight up. Not quickly, but steadily.

I never had a weight problem (at most 30 lbs overweight), until I became severely depressed. So for me weight loss is just a code name for healthy lifestyle.

At this weight, 260, I know that I work so much harder at everything. But I would be pleased just to fit in a size 16, again. Though my "best" size was a twelve. I would not want to be thinner than that.

[CycleChic06]

Joyfulgirl, I'm so in the same shoes as you, except the smoking part. I'm also 26 years old, I weigh a bit more than you, 135, and this is the heaviest I've ever been! I used to be the super skinny girl that would eat pizza at at 2am and go through a 12 pack of coke in 3 days. The first weight gain came in college, like everyone else. Then after I graduated, I found out I had graves disease, aka hyperactive thyroid, and had to go on meds to control it and in the process gained another 15lbs! That's how I got to the size I am today.

But I've def. noticed that my body has started to react differently to food, as in when I eat crap it stays with me where as I used to be able to eat whatever. It's been a really long process, but I've started to eat better, it's taken me a while to get here, like two years of transition. But like I said on another board, I was at the grocery store the other day and looked at what I was buying...seltzer water, high fiber english muffins, grape tomatoes, fat free popcorn and thought to myself..."when did my diet change from frozen pizza and 2L bottles of coke to this?"

It's hard, but you will feel so much better, physically and mentally once you transition to a better diet.

I'm with ya!

Cheers,
Emily

PS- I need to reccomend Coke Zero, as I hate Diet Coke and am a huge regular coke drinker, this stuff is good if you need that coke fix.

[plantluvver]

Somehow I missed that, I don't know what I was thinking. I smoked for YEARS and I was a life insurance actuary! The person who actually does the statistics, and figures out how many people to expect to die each year.

I have quit smoking so many, many times. Maybe five or six times that were major, where I stayed away for three months up to a year. But this time, it seems like it really has taken. It has maybe been three or four years. (Used to be I'd break up with a boyfreind, and need to smoke again.)

Different symptoms at different times, and IT HURTS.

But for me, I could not reduce my consumption of cigarettes. Far, far easier for me to go cold turkey. Using nicotene gum only would make my withdrawal longer.

A few times I used a supplement that contained capsium, and I think B vitamins, and maybe oat or some kind of grass type extract, it really helped. and the capsium seemed to allow my mucus to flow, and not just clog me all up. But I TRI I am sure knows this stuff better than me.

Don't feel that your setbacks are failures. Each time I quit, the quitting process became easier, (though each time, I had less confidence.) But I knew that even if it was only a day, I had given my body just a little bit of a chance to fix the damage.

You might need to sleep long periods. Also, tons of water. Sometimes, I had to quit caffeine and alcohol too. Just the smell of coffee made me have craving so severe as to feel physical pain.

Don't worry about how much you eat, if its good stuff. It seemed the more often I ate when quitting smoking, the more I would lose weight. I stiffed my face with fruit and hardboiled eggs, and if people asked what was going on, I said I was on a diet. (I was afraid I would fail. That was in the days when you could still smoke at your desk, and in fact almost everywhere.) Jumping in the shower can sometimes help, if it's available.

And the last time I quit, I had already broken all my triggers. I had not smoked inside the house for six months. I smoked in a dismal corner of the basement only.

It may be six months or more before you can go near a cigarette without temptation.

But even with all my extra weight now and my inactivity and depression, I feel healthier at 47 than I did at 30, when I smoked and exercised.

Oh, I also at one point took up swimming then SCUBA diving, can't do those and smoke (simaltaneously, anyway). Knitting and crochet can help also.

I wish you sucess in your struggle.

[JoyfulGirl]

PlantLuvver- It's really great to hear that your modifying your lifestyle so much to be a healthier you...Cheers to the weight loss that goes along with it. It's also always good to hear about people who have quit smoking... A bad day for me use to be 2 packs a normal day was 1 pack.. now a normal day's a quarter pack.. a few days of half a packness this month. Going cold turkey so far.. I go gonzo. It's not pleasant. I think for now I'll be happy if I can keep my smoking reduced like this for awhile... Pretty happy with cutting down by 3/4ths. Then maybe in a few weeks, months, whatever I can work on the last of it. Makes me laugh though because people keep asking if I've quit smoking. It's hard as heck AND I don't get to say that I've quit smoking. pretty funny in it's own way.

CycleChic- Hey! We have even more in common then though in a sort of opposite way, I have issues with hypothyroidism. My levels are currently ok without medication. I went through some periods of being nastily hypothyroid though and it's miserable. For some reason it just magically straightened itself out. I probably should have listened to the endocrinologist better so I understood what was up but now I just get tested once a year to make sure all is well.


For me I really started gaining weight when I was about 24.. I went from extremely active and weighing about 105 to within a year I tore the cartilage in my knee, tore my rotator cuff, and got a stress fracture in my foot.. combine that with my mom being diagnosed with cancer, and my dad developing some nasty health issues that had him in ICU for a couple of weeks at a time over and over.. there were some other extended family medical disasters and a few deaths.
I kept eating portions like I had when I was active then I was eating out of vending machines too like a cow at pasture. AND I'd bake cookies for all the nurses who were so great but I'd eat half of em myself.. AND my greatest exercise was walking to the store to get another pack of smokes. I reached my plumpest at 130 but worse, I was grossly out of shape. You can be hard bodied and cut at 5'2" and 130 pounds.. Unfortunately I was just the squishy kind of #130.

Anyway. I just want to be an overall healthier me. Something I've always lacked is moderation. Maybe I'm trying to build some of that as well as muscle.

[Denise223]

Dear Joyful Girl:

I just want to be an overall healthier me. Something I've always lacked is moderation. Maybe I'm trying to build some of that as well as muscle.

It really sounds like you have been making some wonderful, positive changes for yourself and I applaud you!! And, it's great that you realized at a young age that your lifestyle was unhealthy and you made a VERY CONSCIOUS DECISION to change!!

I am happy to say that as of March 14, 2004 - I quit smoking.
I was a 2 & 1/2 pack per day smoker, sometimes more. I enjoyed smoking so much.
On the date I stopped smoking, I weighed 240 pounds and could barely make it 1/8 mile walking without huffing & puffing out of breath.
(my highest weight was 290 lbs in 2001. I weigh 188 pounds today).

I needed help to stop because I couldn't do it on my own. I made the decision to stop because I knew that it was killing me. I wanted to enjoy being able to go walking with my husband. Not to mention, heart disease, hardening of the arteries, etc.., runs rampant in my family.
I DID NOT WANT what I had seen my parents go through (and ARE still going through), to be what I had to look forward to!!!

I contacted the American Heart Association & they set me up with a phone counselor. (I didn't even know the AHA had any type of program - which was free - I just wanted some information/help on how to stop).
When my counselor and I connected, I picked a quit date that had a special meaning, (our wedding anniversary), and we sheduled our next phone consultation for two days before that date.
I also decided to use the Nicoderm patch.

Today, I am happy to say that I am a non-smoker. It is very hard work... but, believe me, if I can do it....I know that anyone can!! One day at a time.

Wishing you much happiness on your way to a healthier self !!

Denise

[plantluvver]

I would still be smoking. I always thought it would be ideal if I could smoke those one or two cigarettes a day that just felt SOO good. But I can't. I do know people who do smoke socially, or only when they drink. I now will sometimes smoke when I am talking to other smokers, and they are smoking. I have one well meaning freind who shoves cigarettes into my hand before I leave her house. I will smoke all three or four of them before I go to bed. But I do have one rule: I will NEVER NEVER NEVER buy a pack of cigarettes or bring a pack of cigarettes into my house. And right now I am thinking of walking over to 7-11! ( I do always try to pay the smokers, and it makes me unhappy when they won't take my money, because I know I can't evr buy that pack, it will get me started again.

But I think that if you keep the exercise going and the smoking down, you will reach a point where you can feel the difference in your respiratory system right away. You will get back on your bike after a smoke break, and notice immediately how your breathing is different.

If you are anything like me, you are now hacking up huge wads of thick gray-green goo. And the little bit of smoking you are doing is probably helping with that a little, by paralyzing the system that naturally cleans that stuff out of your respiratory system.. You are probably noticing the coughing that you do in the morning.

My biggest challenge today is depression, and maybe Social Anxiety Disorder. ( I become afaid to be seen by my neighbors.) It is so weird! I can go anywhere, and talk to strangers, introduce myself to people, trry new things. But the people who live next door, I can't face. I'll answer the door to them, I don't dislike them, but I worry about what they think of me.

The depression fuels everything else. The poor diet, because I feel too tired to cook anything, and too lazy to shop. Not gardening out of fear of being seen by my neighbors.

The one thing that is saving me right now, is that I want to learn to sail. It is why I am dusting off the bikes, so I can get to the marinas, why I am eating better, so I can be a better sailor, so people will let me crew for their boats in races. ( I don't necessarily want to race, but this is when sailors have most need of a crew.

The other thing I have going is that I CAN remember times when I felt okay, and in control of my life. These were times when I was exercising. I remember being on probation from work. (As a single mom, I was always being put on probation for taking time off for chicken pox, etc. Once, because my son's nursery school closed. I was supposed to be able to anticipate that the owners would get divorced and close the school, according to my employer. I couldn't get the state to go after my ex for child support.) But I was swimming, and I started jogging in the mornings. And I felt good, because no matter how out of control everything else was, I did have control over waking up an hour earlier, and having the time to jog while my son was still asleep. And it seemed like everything would be okay, because at least I was in control of my own body, and doing good things for it.

Actually, I am not remembering correctly. My real urgency to change is that I had a HUGE scare with the introduction of the Medicare Drug Plan. If I signed uo for a plan, I was going to spend $150 a month for the coverage and copays. Right now, I am in a program wher the manufacturer provides my meds at no cost, but for a couple of months it looked like that would be cancelled. I decided that I would probaby need to quit my meds.

Not that those medications seem to do all that much for me, but at least I am not sleeping 18 hours a day as I have in the past. And I have had times when I've hidden in the basement or attic because I was afraid someone would ring the doorbell, and be able to tell I was home, and nit leave, and I would have to deal with them. So I would hide and try to wake up at 2 or three in the morning.

But Now I have gone really astray with MY life story, and this is YOUR post. Mostly I want you to know that taking control of your life is a great thing. And I went off into my own problems.

Hey, it's not too late for me to take a walk tonight! Screw Medicare, and Paxil and all that stuff, I'm gonna get me healthy and living again!

Don't feel bad for those few you smoke a day. If you enjoy them, more power to you! Smoke one for me. I am tired of all this guilt we seem to lay upon ourselves for our circumstances. I do feel that the all natural tobaccos are healthier. I was smoking drum filterless roll your owns, but when I would buy a pack of filtered cigarettes, I would get a sore throat, and other problems. So it wasn't just the tobacco causing me problems

Bye,
Mary

[Dok-torr]

Well done all of us!
The body has to go through some huge changes when you stop the nicotene, caffeine and sugar all at once. The way your body metabolises its energy stores has to readjust too. You are expecting it to be active and are stopping its usual glucose loads. It will take some time to be able to use other stores and to even up the blood sugar and insulin levels.

Going cold turkey is tough. I admit I made the changes over a much more gradual time period. The smoking was first (20 year habit) then the activity levels went up (once I could breath again!) then the diet improved.
I managed to lose 60+ pounds over the last few years and am now doing enduarace cycle events and training for a half marathon!

I feel bettre than I have ever felt in my life and will never get out of shape again.
Keep it up guys, and thanks for reminding us all why we do all this!

[mmelindas]

I loved reading everyone's comments! So much good advice!

For me the light went on when I went to these websites, recommended by my new fantastic lady doctor, who has changed my life; I learned a whole new way to shop, to cook, to eat, and my energy has come back, the weight is going down and I feel better than I have in years.

Here are the websites, from the National Institutes of Health, and the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, recommended by the American Heart Assn and the American Diabetes Assoc:

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/cgi-bin/...umber=1&diet=1

This above link is a virtual reality portion test. It will blow your mind, just as it blew mine and what a wake up call it was!! I think the advertising industry has mind-warped us into supersizing everything!!! It made me realize how I was eating way, way too much and too large of portions of everything! Just changing portions has helped us lose weight, hubby and me!

Create-A-Diet just for you http://www.nhlbisupport.com/chd1/create.htm

This link lets you see how many calories you are eating and why you are probably gaining weight and how to lose it!! Basic metabolic math = exercise less, burn less, weigh more, gain weight OR exercise more, burn more, lose weight, and firm up. Exercise boosts your metabolism higher for 2 - 3 hours, so it burns more calories than in your normal resting life state. Burn more calories than you eat = lose weight.

http://hp2010.nhlbihin.net/menuplanner/menu.cgi

Interactive menu planner lets you pick and plan meals. After a few practice tries planning just a day's meals, I could clearly see what I had been doing wrong, in trying to eat healthy, low fat, low sugar and high fiber diets - I had been eating way too large portions and not watching the actual ingredients and calories. No wonder I weighed 300 lbs!!!

Good old Dr. Phil said it right: "You can't be overweight and unhealthy unless you live a lifestyle to support it." How true! And I was supporting it bigtime from the look of what was in my fridge and cupboards!!!

First thing was to purge the kitchen and cupboards of everything that was unhealthy: cookies, candy, ice creams, butter, full fat cheeses and cottage cheeses, yogurts that are full fat, salad dressings that are full fat, and all the meats that had fat on them, all the fried foods, the sauces, gravies that were high salt, high fat, all the pickles with tons of salt, and so forth.

Then, I learned how to read labels carefully and how to cook with Splenda, and still have delicious healthy desserts (in correct portions) but with NO sugar, no fat or low fat! I even found no sugar ice creams or low fat ones, (and I do go to Artic Circle for a cone once in a while....I'm not perfect yet!) ... and life got better in just a week or so!

I bought skinless chicken and lean meats, and barbecued on our gas grill or cooked in our skillet with only a tablespoon of olive oil. (but the low fat grated cheeses still suck, sorry... ) There's even less fat in those spray cooking oils... and boy, have the flavors in those gotten better over the years!! I love the lean barbecued pork - with the grill smoky flavor on it.

I made my pastas from the whole wheat brands (which raises blood sugar less and stays with you longer), and made my own spaghetti sauces from low salt or salt free tomato puree, diced tomatoes, garlic, seasonings, onions, etc...(not near as much salt or sugar or fat as any commercial brand and tasted better.) I learned to use the egg whites and toss the yolks away in my recipes, cutting fat and calories that way. There's plenty of egg yolks already in even whole wheat breads, dressings,etc, so I had to watch adding any myself. (one egg yolk has more cholesterol than I am allowed in one day's eating on my 7% saturated fat limit diet!)

Even the fast food industry is starting to cater to healthier life styles = Wendy's will soon be the first fast food chain to use oil that produces no trans fat in fries; they also have low fat sour cream, reduced fat and sugar salad dressings, and many fast food places are going that route. When we eat out, we eat smarter now.

For us, the key is eating at home, rarely eating fast foods, and when we do, we watch carefully what we eat. All those places have nutritional guides they will give you so you can see the fat and sugar in everything they serve. When you see that most of the unnecessary calories and fat come from the mayo, sauces and frying, you get smart pretty quick!

I used to get tired easily before I started riding my bike. When I started doing that, added swimming a couple times a week and home exercises, I found my energy coming back - no fatigue now.

My body is different from anybody elses, but most all of our bodies work the same way: slow to adjust to new changes in life styles, stubborn about addictions and impatient to reach goals (mentally). Do I have cravings? Yes, but for pickly, sour things now instead of sweets. I would kill for a huge bowl of cucumbers in vinegar anytime!

Yes, I do eat chocolate = York Mini Patties now come in sugar free and are exactly the same as the full size kind in flavor and texture. I indulge in about three of them a day = only 110 calories!! Fat free, too! Dark chocolate is actually good for your heart ....but no way can I eat as much of it as I'd like to anymore -- it's a treat for special occasions.

Let's face it - doing what is right and good for us is HARD...and it takes time for our bodies and minds to come into alignment together.. our bodies balk, complain, ache, get pooped and sore,

The journey to health is worth it, believe all of us when we tell of our experiences, how much better we feel doing exercise through biking and other sports...we are powerful women, of all sizes..., all shapes...., progressing towards our own individual and unique levels of perfection.

[plantluvver]

Dok-torr, you reminded me that we ARE all different. I needed the change in activity levels to get my mind off the smoking.

Mmelindas, I think we will need to give you a yellow jersey (hope I got the reference right). I am so glad to have you gals to remind me it is not just me alone in this difficult world.

My BF is not very health concious, and my depression (and I finally admit it may be PTSD) tend to keep me wallowing in my little safe-appearing (NOT!) cocoon. So the positive influence of this forum is very important to me. In fact I am crying now, (good tears).

Yesterday went to the Golden Arches, and wanted the DVD I had read about (But had already chosen the deep-fried fish TWO in fact .). So I asked around to find someone ordering the salad, and paid for a drink to add to her order.

My DVD had a picture of Maya doing lunges. and was reminded of my crew days. Coach had us doing lunges in a parking lot, for about 200 feet. Everyone else had finished, and I felt I was holding up the practice, so I started rushing to finish. He told me to go back and do them right. First one, and then a few other girls came back for more lunges to keep me company.

WARNING WOUND-LICKING COMING UP:

So much of my childhood, I felt alone, and at the mercy of others. My mother had her own probllems, and couldn't be bothered about mine, so she trivialized them. My peers at school mercilessly taunted me. I honestly felt my only purpose for being was to test my peers' capacity for cruelty. I tried to fast, because of al the guilt I felt, for the staving masses in Africa who weren't as luck as I was. And then felt lke a total failure when I would break my hunger strike. ( I guess I'm lucky, I never thought about purging.)

I dreaded parent teacher conferences, because my mother would then criticise me because my test scores were so high, I SHOULD BE getting A's. At the same time, if I talked about someday going to college, I would hear, "what makes you think you'll go to college, when your brother is losing his grant". The high school counselors' recommended that I attend the public college prep school that just that year was opened to girls. When I became excited about this possibility, my mother said that she thought I would just be too lazy to take the bus to school, and just drop out.

I was the only National Merit Scholarship Finalist at my public high school, in a class of about 950. I was so brainwashed by this time, that I told my counselors and teachers that they didn't understand, the scores didn't mean anything, I wasn't smart, I only did well on tests, and it was just a fluke, I couldn't do well in college.

Fast forward three or so years, to junior college. I get pregnant and marry the guy because of it. HE had been planning to get married all along, I was a substitute for his fiance who jilted him. He becomes physically abuse, even before the marriage. I cry to my grandmother who up to now has been one of the only reasons I an still somewhat sane. Her response was, "Why are you fighting with the husband of your child?" So I beleive that physical abuse is a normal part of a marriage that is just never talked about, like sex. And I stay married for seven years to the creep, who has no respect for me. I FINALLY figure out through girlfreinds at work, that some women are married because they enjoy it, and like their husbands, not just because divorce is wrong, and marriage is for better or for worse, and if he hits you, well that's just part of the worse.

And that is enough for now, many other relationships, cruel, probably abusive. But I still don't recognize when I am being treated badly.

Today I am dating someone, that I don't love, He doesn't spend time with me on the weekends, Our relationship is he may buy me McDonald's and we have sex, and occasionally he'll cut my grass. After two years, I've never been to HIS place. He's never spent the night at MINE. But he does try to stop me from crying, tell me he admires me, that I am smart, heis proud that I study math. He CLAIMS to not be married. I don't even ask to go away for a weekend together anymore.

OKAY DONE WITH THE SELF-PITY COMMERCIAL BREAK:

One of my counselors has told me that I have been badly brutalized, and my mother was intentionally cruel to me. That my minimization of it is just another symptom of my PTSD , (WHICH by the way, I DON"T think I have, because my mother had good reasons to be neglectful, with seven kids . And she never MEANT to be cruel and unloving).

Anyway, all that was just to let you gals know just how much it means to me to have positive company, and folks around who can be supportive.




And now I will shower and wash away the tears, because I have a bike to work on and some great folks are devoting their time and energy to a free bike repair clinic.

I will go ahead and post my insecurity and blemishs, because as someone here said about their birthmark, my freinds will like me whether I hide it or not, and I might as well know up front who are not my freinds.